THE highlight of the year was when Comet Shoemaker-Levy 9 crashed into Jupiter in July, producing a splendid display of cosmic fireworks. Despite predictions, it turned out that the end of the world was not nigh.
Back on Earth, and four months later, the balls started rolling in Britain鈥檚 National Lottery. In Camelot鈥檚 lottery the Holy Grail of becoming a millionaire lured millions of punters to spend a fortune backing a series of rank outsiders. Unlike many other participation sports, the players in the lottery are not dope-tested.
Neither were politicians immune from temptation. For 1994 was the year when sleaze oozed from every pore of the body politic. There were almost as many resignations from the government as pieces of Shoemaker-Levy hitting Jupiter. And there was the questions-for-cash scandal, with some MPs prepared to ask questions in Parliament in return for a consideration. At current rates it could cost you 拢20 000 to have these questions asked in the House of Commons.
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So forget the National Lottery, and chance your arm on a sure-fire certainty 鈥� the Christmas Quiz.
Got my modem working
1. The climax of this year鈥檚 hackers鈥� conference in New York was when computer ace 鈥淪torm Shadow鈥� got a telephone call. From his mum. Hackers aside, what does your average nerd use modems for?
a) playing games
b) sending e-mail
c) looking up timetables
d) communicating with people at work
2. Chuck Berry was extremely wise to call 鈥渓ong-distance information鈥�. Memphis, Tennessee, is renowned for its religiously upright morality, which is probably not the way they鈥檇 phrase it. But what so offended the Bible Belters this year?
a) the Internet working on Sundays
b) the local cable company transmitting the film Inherit the Wind
c) cyberporn on the Internet
Office parties
3. That visit to the local Chinese after the office party was a bit of a mistake. You woke up with an appalling headache and feeling flushed 鈥� a state that was not shared by your bank account. What, according to the latest thinking was the cause?
a) monosodium glutamate, or Chinese restaurant syndrome as it is normally known
b) fermented foodstuffs such as the soy sauce in the chop suey
c) it was nothing to do with the food, you were suddenly taken drunk
4. After the seasonal round of Christmas parties you鈥檙e beginning to feel that you鈥檝e been overdoing things a bit. Which of these New Year resolutions should help you live longer?
a) give up smoking
b) become a teetotaller
c) drink no more than two or three glasses of wine a day 鈥� or a bit less if you鈥檙e a woman
Roast dinners
5. A couple of years ago Astrid was born of a virgin in a stable on Christmas Eve. Why is she a cause for hope?
a) the technology behind the virgin birth could really save the bacon by increasing pig production in the Third World
b) transgenic pigs such as Astrid could be a factory for spare-part organs
6. Ever since the cloud from Chernobyl drifted over Britain in 1986, sheep in the west of the country have been radioactive because their pasture is contaminated with caesium-137. What is the best way to decontaminate them?
a) tackle the problem at source and use calixarenes to clean up the caesium
b)move them to greener 鈥� and cleaner 鈥� pastures
c) give them a fizzy citrus fruit drink
Of rats and politicians
7. What makes wimpish rats more assertive and seems to help compulsive shoppers to control their expensive impulses?
a) a fizzy citrus fruit drink
b) a 10 per cent aqueous solution of ethanol, with a secondary fermentation continuing in the bottle
c) Prozac, the wonder drug
8. John Major鈥檚 educational achievements are, naturally enough, a closely guarded secret. But are all his ministers so academically challenged? Take the junior science minister Robert Hughes. How many science O levels does he have?
a) five
b) two
c) one
d) none
9. In February, President Clinton was woken up in the middle of the night by his defence staff. Why?
a) a gunman was spraying the White House with bullets
b) spy satellites spotted a meteor entering the Earth鈥檚 atmosphere and mistook it for an atomic bomb
a newly installed surveillance system found that Socks had gone missing
Fancy a flutter?
10. An American researcher has carried out 14 million trials of the electronic equivalent of tossing a coin to see if people do have the psychic powers to influence the result. To what effect?
a) none
b) a small but significant effect 鈥� about 1 in 1000 throws
c) you already know how many points you are going to score on this question
How you scored
More than 55: an impressive score. If you were guessing (and your luck holds) it could be worth your while making a modest investment in the National Lottery.
20 to 55: a pretty average result. But never mind 鈥� you could be a real winner if you can find a use for those old lottery tickets.
Less than 20: take our tip 鈥� don鈥檛 even think about buying a lottery ticket
This grizzly bear is enjoying a cooling bath in Fresno zoo, California. But what is he 鈥� or she 鈥� really up to?
a) testing a bear-proof canister, for storing campers鈥檚 food, to deter marauding bears from visiting camp sites
b) bathing is one of life鈥檚 bear necessities. The surfactant in the can helps captive animals keep their coasts in top condition
c) playing with the can stops the bears getting bored
Answers
1. a) 0, b) 5, c) 0, d) 5
2. a) 0, b) 0, c) 5
3. a) 0, b) 5, c) 5
4. a) 10, b) 0, c) 5
5. a) 0, b) 5
6. a) 10, b) 5, c) 10
7. a) 0, b) 0, c) 5
8. a) -10, b) -5, c) 5, d) 0
9. a) 0, b) 10, c) 0
10. a) 0, b) 5, c) -10
Picture question:
a) 10, b) 0, c) 0