HOW do you fancy spending your next holiday on Mururoa Atoll? As part of the campaign to convince the world that the nuclear tests there won鈥檛 do any harm, French foreign ministry official Yves Doutriaux has suggested the atoll could be turned into a resort when the tests are over.
The Sydney Morning Herald responded by inviting Australia鈥檚 advertising agencies to dream up slogans to sell Mururoa as a holiday paradise. Here鈥檚 how they rose to the challenge.
鈥淎fter seven days you won鈥檛 recognise yourself,鈥� suggested the creatives at Kennedy Rea, along with 鈥淭he tan that radiates鈥�, 鈥淭he hottest holiday in the Pacific鈥� and 鈥淭he holiday in the Tropic of Cancer鈥�.
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Mattingley and Partners鈥� creative director Shaun Branagan鈥檚 proposal was 鈥淐ome to beautiful Mururoa, dine in our restaurant, we serve the finest leg of fish,鈥� while David Rollins and Rudi Vranken of Sargant Rollings Vranken came up with 鈥淰isit Mururoa Atoll and come back a different person鈥� and 鈥淢ururoa Atoll Resort. For the holiday you鈥檒l never remember.鈥�
Bruce Golding and Stephen Thompson of BAM/SSB suggested 鈥淗ave the holiday of your half life.鈥� And Anthony Elvin from Crocodile Communications, who worked with Saatchi and Saatchi to place advertisements opposing the tests in the French press, proposed: 鈥淒ance the night away in the warm glow of Mururoa鈥�.
Most succinct of all was Neil Lawrence of Young and Rubicam: 鈥淚t鈥檚 a beautiful place to die.鈥�
THE launch of Windows 95 last month was a show business circus, but now Feedback fears that Microsoft may have fallen into the oldest of all showbiz traps and is starting to believe its own publicity. Written statements from Microsoft are quite carefully worded, but Microsoft representatives speaking off the cuff have been promising the Earth.
On radio, Andrew Lees, director of desktop publishing, assured listeners that the new operating system will run 鈥渨ell鈥� and 鈥渇ast鈥� on just 4 megabytes of memory, even though Microsoft鈥檚 official line is to recommend 8 MB. His colleague Jeremy Gittins said Windows 95 was 鈥渃ompatible with all the software on a PC today鈥� and makes computers 鈥渆ven easier to use鈥�. And at the US launch, chairman Bill Gates puffed the new system by showing how badly his existing Windows system performed by comparison.
Feedback went to the bash celebrating the launch at a nightclub in London. After a comedy routine and sit-down meal, with conversation drowned by loud disco music, guests were invited to visit side rooms and try some PCs fitted with the final version of the system. Feedback duly stood back and watched while a whiz from a computer magazine tried to play a CD-ROM game called Mech Warrior 2. This is one of those existing programs that Windows 95 is supposed to run. Sadly it did not. The PC crashed, leaving a dark screen.
The whiz then restarted the PC, using the old-fashioned DOS operating system. The game played perfectly. Then he reloaded Windows 95, and tried again to play the game. Again it crashed. But this time, the PC refused to restart. It just sat there, flashing a few LEDs and displaying only blackness on screen. Feedback suspected that the final crash had corrupted vital files in the machine鈥檚 hard disc.
Feedback had to leave the party at that point, so never did find out whether any of Microsoft鈥檚 revellers ever got it working again.
No doubt, Windows 95 will prove to be a wonderful system. For the moment, however, Feedback would rather play safe and wait a while before using it as a working business tool.
FINALLY here are the remaining runners up in the Feedback Summer Competition. Readers were asked to describe a famous historical incident which would have turned out very differently with the benefit of modern scientific or technological knowledge. The competition winners and the first 14 runners up were published in the last two issues. The following six entries were too long to publish in full, so we give them in summary form:
King Alfred falls asleep, dreaming of defeating the invading Danes. Woken by the oven timer, he removes a rack of delicious cakes from the fire. He realises: 鈥淔or cakes like these, the Danes would pay to come to Britain 鈥︹��
Roy Smith, Burntwood, Staffordshire
Archduke Ferdinand鈥檚 tailor fastens his jacket with Velcro, so that it is quickly opened and his wound is attended to when he is shot in Sarajevo. Two world wars are averted, there is no rise of Nazism, there are no atom bombs 鈥� and the Balkans conflict is resolved.
Garry Cross, Heathcote, NSW
Galileo鈥檚 telescope is fitted with a nightfinder. Looking through it, Cardinal Bellarmino and the Pope observe a couple sinning in the Vatican gardens. Convinced that the telescope is an instrument of Divine Providence, they declare that Galileo鈥檚 views are sound and instruct theologians to 鈥渄ecipher nature鈥檚 texts鈥�. The Catholic Church becomes an force for rationalism and progress while Protestants still abide only by the Bible. The entire history of Europe is turned upside down.
Frans Cerulus, Heverlee, Belgium
Fitted with a 鈥渂ionic鈥� eye, Nelson is unable to 鈥渢urn a blind eye鈥� to the signal ordering him to disengage from the Danes. As a result, he loses the Battle of Copenhagen. The northern powers join forces against the English, diverting them from the war against the French, which they lose. Brandy becomes the national drink instead of gin, and nuclear weapons are tested on the Isle of Wight, not Mururoa Atoll 鈥�
Phillip Lent, Hampton Hill, Middlesex
Columbus abandons his voyage round the world, having discovered the Earth鈥檚 true circumference through modern instruments. He says: 鈥淚t is clear that the fastest route to the Indies has already been found, and that nothing of any value to civilisation is to be found by sailing west.鈥�
Carl Zetie, Reading
In 1781 a Scottish distillery produces a powerful, cheap sweetener called aspartame. Sugar-related stocks fall 80 per cent and the market for slaves in the West Indies collapses. British troops are withdrawn from Jamaica and Barbados and sent to reinforce troops fighting the American insurrection led by Washington. The insurrection fails and America remains a British colony.
Steve Cotrell, Key West, Florida