EARLIER this month, US Vice-President Al Gore addressed two thousand students
on their graduation day at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. Unbeknown
to Gore, the Boston Globe tells us, the students were handed 鈥淎l Gore
Buzzword Bingo鈥� cards as they entered the hall.
On each card of 25 squares was a different set of Information Superhighway
buzz words: global village, interoperability, paradigm, cognitive, and so forth.
Each time Gore uttered one, holders ticked the square, aiming for five in a
row.
Sadly, no winners were reported in the Globe but, after the story
had been posted on the Internet, a student named Jed e-mailed a reply: 鈥淲ell,
actually, the guy next to me got bingo, as did someone three rows in front of
me. We were asked on the piece of paper not to jump up and say bingo (given the
inordinate number of men with guns and touchy trigger fingers lingering about).
I was one phrase away from bingo in two different directions (they were pretty
accurate with the buzz words).鈥�
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CONTINUING our recent exploration of computer error messages, that began with
Vicki Rosenzweig鈥檚 computer sending her an error message to let her know that it
could not send her an error message (13 April), readers have provided more
examples.
Richard Platt was using an Olivetti PC when his keyboard became unplugged
from the machine. He was told helpfully, 鈥淜eyboard not present鈥� and then, a lot
less helpfully, 鈥淧ress F1 to continue鈥�.
Paul Toman, who boasts an extensive catalogue of computer gibberish, sent us
a couple of his favourites. 鈥淭his error should not occur,鈥� Oracle 5.2 told him
sternly. Windows 3.1, on the other hand, went for the minimalist approach of
鈥�!鈥�.
Meanwhile, at the technological cutting edge, Glenn Alexander鈥檚 Newton has
been telling him, 鈥�(77) Unknown Bogus Error Code鈥�, while Andy Boggust was
guilt-struck when his Newton accused him of committing 鈥渘asty
辫谤补肠迟颈肠别#4720鈥�.
But at least these examples are comprehensible. What goes through your mind
when you are told, as Alex Lu was when doing clever things with an Acorn A3000,
鈥渙sgbpg syntax error#%BootMenu already loaded.#Press any k鈥�?
DAVID Elstein, director of programming for the satellite TV broadcaster
BSkyB, has been in the news again, buying up a swathe of sporting rights and
promising hundreds of new channels in little more than a year鈥檚 time. These
channels will be digital and picked up at higher frequencies, so viewers鈥� dishes
will need an electronic device known as a 鈥渦niversal鈥� high-frequency LNB (a
frequency converter) to receive them.
Earlier this year (see Feedback, 9 March) Feedback was surprised to hear
Elstein reassure a trade conference in London that the majority of dishes are
already able to receive the new channels. Sky should know, Elstein explained,
because Sky owns one of the biggest firms in the dish installation business.
However, we were not convinced.
Sky鈥檚 marketing department recently mailed a special offer to Feedback. It
promises 30 days subscription viewing 鈥渁bsolutely free鈥� and 鈥渄on鈥檛 worry if you
don鈥檛 have a satellite system鈥� because Sky has done 鈥渁 special deal with BT to
get you a dish for just 拢99.99鈥�. Call for details, exhorted Sky. So we
did.
The receiver is model number SVS-250, made by BT. Does the dish have a
universal LNB? 鈥淚 don鈥檛 know,鈥� admitted Sky鈥檚 helpline.
BT鈥檚 inquiry service sent a brochure, but it said nothing about the LNB. So
we asked BT鈥檚 helpline. 鈥淟NB? What鈥檚 that stand for?鈥� was the response. A faxed
inquiry to BT鈥檚 satellite marketing manager produced no reply. But finally,
thanks to BT鈥檚 ever-helpful press office, we got an answer. The SVS-250 has an
enhanced LNB, suitable for analogue TV, not the universal type needed to receive
digital TV at high frequencies.
We asked Elstein to comment, but his response was not redolent of the
confidence he showed earlier in the year. 鈥淚 am not a technical expert,鈥� he
admitted. Feedback is now more intrigued than ever to see how the
ever-resourceful Murdoch will sell digital TV to people with dish aerials that
cannot receive it.
AMERICANS are fanatically worried about
cholesterol, and virtually every packaged food item in the US has to list its
precise nutritional content so that consumers can know the worst before they
take a bite. To make sure these labels are correct, the National Institute of
Standards and Technology has collaborated with the US Department of Agriculture
and the National Heart, Lung and Blood Institute of the National Institutes of
Health to create a national standard 鈥渇ood鈥濃�攚ell, sort of.
The NIST is selling 鈥渇our 15-gram bottles of frozen blended foods typically
consumed in the United States鈥�. But before you consider taking them on your next
picnic, you should know that the little jars contain a 鈥渇ood slurry, which
includes fruit juices, breakfast cereals, meats, vegetables and breads鈥�. NIST
chemists have certified the concentration of cholesterol and six of the most
abundant fatty acids in this unappetising slurry, as well as data on protein,
moisture, total fat, ash, carbohydrate and calories. Manufacturers can calibrate
the instruments they use to measure their products鈥� contents against the slurry.
The agency is offering all four jars for just $179.00.
JOHN WOOD tells us that he received information recently about the Ordnance
Survey鈥檚 Address Point database system, which will give grid references for each
of the 25 million British postal addresses. This, he points out, could be
particularly useful for postmen equipped with links to Global Positioning System
satellites.
However, the coordinates provide a position to within 10 centimetres, which
is even more accurate than the GPS can manage. This made Wood wonder exactly
where the marked point was. Was it the front door bell, the letter box, the
doorstep or the garden gate? And how does the OS keep its database up to date
when people keeping changing their front doors or adding porches to their
houses?
ARE THE Dutch afraid of becoming too sanitised? At their gleaming Amsterdam
Schiphol Airport (the one trying to become bigger than Heathrow), the
super-clean loos come with a new feature. Males who use them find themselves
aiming at a perfect Delft-blue image of a bluebottle on the inside of the urinal
bowl.
Then again, perhaps the ever-attentive Dutch are trying to make unhygienic
foreigners feel at home.