THE British government is spending a fortune trying to persuade the
electorate that Conservative ministers are a super-cool bunch of Web-surfing
dudes who are thoroughly in tune with the cyberworld. They鈥檝e even given their
efforts a brand name in a green paper, Government.direct. Then they go
and spoil it all by opening their mouths.
Late last month, George Young, the transport minister, promised to deploy the
latest Victorian technology to break the French lorry driver鈥檚 blockade. He
announced, in Disraelian tones, that he was planning 鈥渢o send a telegram鈥� to his
French opposite number.
Prime Minister John Major shows a similar grasp of the information
superhighway in his message on the Conservative Party鈥檚 Web site. 鈥淚t was not
the state that created the Internet,鈥� he intones grandly. Actually, it
was鈥攁s far as we are aware, the US Department of Defense has not yet been
privatised. But we think we know what he鈥檚 getting at.
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CANADIAN Indians converged on Brussels in the autumn to protest against
European Union moves to restrict fur imports. Many Canadian Indians rely on
trapping for their livelihood. Animal rights activists, chiefly in Britain, are
pushing the EU to ban furs from countries that allow leghold traps, which they
say are cruel.
The Indians in Brussels were decorated veterans who fought in Europe in the
Second World War. Is this, they asked, the way you repay us for fighting for
your freedom?
Two of the Indians gripped eagle feathers as they spoke. They said this
helped them speak 鈥渨ith wisdom, honesty and integrity鈥�. On being asked where to
obtain a load of these feathers, as there were many in Brussels sorely in need
of them, they explained that you did not go out and get one, certainly not by
shooting an eagle: 鈥淵ou wait until the Earth Mother gives you one.鈥�
Pray to her, then, for an epidemic of moulting eagles to fly forthwith over
Brussels鈥攁nd London and Washington, come to that.
LAST month Motorola launched the first in a series of low-orbit satellites
that will permit mobile phone users to make calls from anywhere on the planet.
The company formed to develop the satellites and the phones is called Iridium,
because originally there were going to be 77 satellites and iridium has the
atomic number 77.
However, advances in technology mean that now only 66 satellites are needed.
Will the company be changing its name to Dysprosium?
READERS of The American Entomologist were surprised recently to find
this note from the magazine鈥檚 editor at the beginning of an article: 鈥淭he
following article is rather unusual and may bother some readers. However, it
received very favourable reviews, and it was so entomologically appealing to me
that I could not turn it down. Hopefully, you will not view it as grounds for my
`impeachment鈥�. I would appreciate receiving comments on this article, whether
positive or negative.鈥�
The article in question was entitled: 鈥淚nsect tattoos on humans: a
`dermagraphic鈥� study.鈥� Among other fascinating facts, it reports: 鈥淲hen
arthropods were used as symbols of interpersonal relationships, the imagery was
always negative. For example, a black widow with the face of a former girlfriend
and a death鈥檚 head moth both symbolised failed relationships.鈥�
The article also mentions a woman who has had a giant dust mite tattooed on
her wrist to repel the mites she is allergic to. And it has 11 colour photos of
tattoos from beetles to butterflies.
But why, wondered the article鈥檚 author, Gwen Pearson, a professor at Albion
College in Michigan, did her colleagues need to be warned, like people about to
walk unawares into a dirty movie? All of the entomologists who have contacted
Pearson have praised the article and ridiculed the editorial note. Meanwhile the
editor鈥攚ho has survived publication鈥攊s now saying his warning was
just a 鈥渏oke鈥�.
HERE is a heart-warming animal story. Paul Hemsworth of the Victorian
Institute of Animal Science in Australia told a recent conference on 鈥渁nimal
choices鈥� that 鈥減igs and cattle respond positively to people who take time to
talk to them and indulge in frequent `petting鈥� actions. Confidence in farm staff
is enhanced when workers pat, stroke and rest their hands on the animals in
their charge.鈥�
But, he added, 鈥渇ear builds up when staff [is that the modern word for farm
hands?] resort to hitting, slapping and kicking. These high levels of fear
reduce productivity of pigs, poultry and dairy cattle.鈥�
Pigs, in particular, don鈥檛 bring in the bacon when treated in this way. Would
you want to give your all in lean meat to someone who habitually resorted to
鈥渉itting, slapping and kicking鈥�? Farmers everywhere take note: give your pigs a
good cuddle every day if you want to keep your balance sheet healthy.
MEANWHILE, German animal lovers are reeling in horror at the news that the
star of last year鈥檚 most popular children鈥檚 film, Rennschwein Rudi
Russel鈥攚hich translates roughly as 鈥淩udy Snout the racing
pig鈥濃�攄ied during filming.
Actually, seven pigs played the part of Rudi, but one did not survive a scene
in which it had to drink five bottles of beer, stagger about a bit, then undergo
an injection. An animal rights league is taking the film鈥檚 producers to court
under animal protection laws, despite the fact that, after five bottles of
Germany鈥檚 finest, the pig probably died much happier than its cousins who lay
down their lives to make the sausages that normally accompany German beer.
OFFICIALLY, the scientists who picked up this year鈥檚 Nobel prize for
chemistry won it for discovering the new form of carbon, fullerene鈥攐r was
it for something else?
A report in Chemistry and Industry describes how Harry Kroto,
Richard Smalley and Robert Curl synthesised the football-shaped molecule. They
obtained gaseous carbon and then, 鈥渁fter cooling the gas to below absolute zero,
the team found the most abundant cluster was C60鈥�.
Maybe the prize was awarded for breaking the third law of thermodynamics.
A POSTER advertising the recent Sixth International Conference on Cold Fusion
was spotted in a gents鈥� loo at the European Centre for Particle Physics in
Geneva. Are they hedging their bets, or merely taking the p鈥�?