CONGRATULATIONS to Omni magazine, which recently ran a
鈥淭heories鈥� contest, producing a rich harvest of theoretical insights which are
certain to challenge scientific thinking everywhere. The winning entry was:
鈥淲hen a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is
dropped, it always lands with the buttered side facing down. I propose to strap
buttered toast to the back of a cat; the two will hover, spinning inches above
the ground. With a giant buttered cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily
link New York with Chicago.鈥�
Sadly, space prevents us mentioning all the other published entries, but we
particularly liked these three runners-up:
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鈥淚f an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup
trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of
highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world鈥檚 great literary works
in Braille.鈥�
And:
鈥淲hy yawning is contagious: You yawn to equalise the pressure on your
eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other people鈥檚
ear pressures, so they must yawn to even it out.鈥�
And:
鈥淭he Earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a figure
skater鈥檚 rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body,
the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast.鈥�
HOW DOES a scientist set about writing a best-selling children鈥檚
novel? Physicist Russell Stannard has told Physics World his formula
for concocting his best-seller The Time and Space of Uncle Albert.
鈥淚 went to the library,鈥� he says. 鈥淚 got down books for the 9 to 13 age group
and counted the number of date stamps in each. Once I鈥檇 isolated the most
popular books, I systematically went through them to see if I could discover any
common ingredients. I came up with eight or nine criteria which I then
incorporated into my first children鈥檚 book鈥︹��
Sounds simple, doesn鈥檛 it? Unfortunately, Stannard isn鈥檛 letting on what his
eight or nine winning ingredients were.
WOMEN and New Men will be delighted to hear that housework could soon be a
thing of the past. After forty years of work, inventor Frances Gabe is now
living in a fully patented self-cleaning house.
Each room in the house has a small 鈥渃leaning, drying, heating, cooling鈥�
apparatus attached to the ceiling. This takes care of a large proportion of the
housework by emitting first soapy, then fresh water, after which it blow dries
the room. To cope with any drawbacks , Gabe has designed the floors with slight
slopes and placed valuable or perishable objects under glass.
In addition, the house鈥檚 sinks, toilets and baths are self-cleaning and even
the bookshelves dust themselves. Best of all, in Feedback鈥檚 view, crockery is
cleaned, dried and stored in a cupboard which doubles as a dishwasher, while
clothes are cleaned, dried and stored in a similar manner while hanging in a
closet/washing machine/drier.
The only thing Gabe鈥檚 invention doesn鈥檛 do, so far, is pour you a beer and
stick an umbrella over you when you settle down to watch the TV while the house
gets down to cleaning itself.
Gabe鈥檚 house is described on the inventors鈥� Web site, http://web.mit.edu/afs/
athena.mit.edu/org/i/invent/www/inventorsA-H/gabe.html
READERS are still being disconcerted by the error messages they receive from
their computers. We listed many of these on 7 September, but have since heard of
many more.
Some express despair: 鈥淭his can鈥檛 happen. I鈥檓 broken. Please show this to
someone who can fix me.鈥�
Some are resigned: 鈥淗ow can we recover? My plan is to forget the whole thing
and to hope for the best鈥�.
Some are self-denigratory: 鈥淭he lights are on, but no-one is home.鈥�
Some are neurotic: 鈥淐all me paranoid but finding `/*鈥� inside this comment
makes me suspicious.鈥�
Some are downright patronising: 鈥淵ou are not expected to understand
迟丑颈蝉.鈥�
Some are merely condescending: 鈥淭railing comma not permitted in enum
definition. (This time I鈥檓 letting you off with a warning).鈥�
Some are hardly necessary: 鈥淵our mailbox has been damaged. Shall I repair it
for you?鈥� (Options: 鈥淵es鈥� or 鈥淣o鈥�.)
Some are totally redundant: 鈥淭ype in (cast) must be scalar; ANSI 3.3.4; page
39, lines 10-11 (I know you don鈥檛 care, I鈥檓 just trying to annoy you).鈥�
And some, like this from Windows NT, are just plain weird: 鈥淭he SQLMonitor
service depends on the SQLServer service which failed to start because of the
following error: operation completed successfully.鈥�
Occasionally, the message can be so maddening you want to reply. When Clifton
Hughes was told 鈥淓rrorxxxxx. Hard Disk trashed. OK?鈥� he wanted to type 鈥淣o it
bl**dy well isn鈥檛 OK, you ?$%^!鈥濃�攂ut, of course, he couldn鈥檛. He
could only hit 鈥淥K鈥�.
But the prize for the most disconcerting error message of all should probably
go to Macintosh. The 鈥渇ortissimo car wreck鈥� is totally aural. It starts with
screaming brakes, builds to a crescendo with the collision, then fades out with
tinkling glass and car parts falling to the road. A visitor who first heard this
in Steve Craddock鈥檚 office ran to the window to see what had happened out in the
street.
Finally, on a related theme, thanks to Ian Miller for pointing out this pearl
of wisdom in a computer manual. THINK C Symantec C++: Visual Architect and
THINK Class Library Guide is over a thousand pages long and is mostly
incomprehensible. But in the middle of a chapter called 鈥淭HINK Class Library
Basic Concepts鈥�, it has a sudden attack of lucidity and states:
鈥淭hus a generic bureaucrat takes no responsibility for anything.鈥�
THE POLICE in the Chester area in northwest England have been
advertising in the Chester Chronicle for a 鈥渄efensive tactics鈥�
trainer.
鈥淭his is a new post in which you will train police personnel in self-defence,
baton, handcuffing and first aid techniques,鈥� runs the ad. Ever anxious to help
Her Majesty鈥檚 Constabulary in their task of preserving law and order, Feedback
is thinking of applying for the job. After all, as the ad goes on to explain,
鈥淜nowledge of self-defence and first aid would be a definite advantage, but not
essential.