WHAT 10 questions would you ask an alien if you met one? This was the
challenge of our Christmas competition, and hundreds of readers responded to
it.
Inevitably, many wanted to know the same things. 鈥淒o you come here often?鈥�
was one of the most popular questions, closely followed by 鈥淲hat took you so
long?鈥�. Then there was 鈥淗ow did you get here?鈥�. This was asked with varying
degrees of seriousness, though several readers wondered if the alien鈥檚 space
ship was powered by a buttered cats array (see Feedback, 19 October and 16
November). Many readers also wanted to know: 鈥淐an I go for a trip in that
迟丑颈苍驳?鈥�
Other popular questions were along the lines of: 鈥淲hich bit of your anatomy
should I be addressing?鈥�, 鈥淚s there intelligent life on Earth?鈥�, 鈥淗ow鈥檚 Elvis?鈥�,
鈥淗ave you ever eaten Smash?鈥�, 鈥淐an I see your mission statement?鈥�, 鈥淲hy do you
only abduct Americans in anoraks?鈥�, 鈥淥asis or Blur?鈥� and 鈥淲ill you please take
back Michael Jackson/John Redwood/Barbara Cartland/Cliff Richard/[name of your
choice] with you?鈥�
Advertisement
Many entries assumed that the alien would be hostile鈥攐r at the very
least, would want to 鈥渆xamine鈥� earthlings (鈥淛ust where do you think you鈥檙e going
with those surgical instruments?鈥�). But the aliens, too, were often given a hard
time by earthlings, being subjected to cross-examination by immigration
officials (鈥淎re you now or have you ever been a communist?鈥�) or booked for
landing their flying saucers in no-parking zones.
Other earthlings were more hospitable, however. A large number of aliens were
offered cups of tea (鈥渟trong or weak?鈥�) or a drink at the local pub (鈥渕y mates
are never going to believe this!鈥�).
A subject of endless interest was (surprise, surprise) sex. 鈥淗ow do you
reproduce?鈥�, 鈥淎re you male, female or neither?鈥�, 鈥淲hat鈥檚 that tentacle for?鈥�,
鈥淚s it true what they say about Venusians?鈥� and 鈥淵our place or mine?鈥� were
typical queries.
Inevitably, many questions related to earthly science fiction fantasies.
鈥淲hat does the number 42 mean to you?鈥� was the most popular, closely followed
by, for example, 鈥淚s Scully ever going to be right in the X-files?鈥�, 鈥淗ave you
seen Independence Day?鈥� and 鈥淒id ET get home?鈥�.
Not that science itself got totally overlooked. 鈥淎re you carbon-based?鈥� and
鈥淒o you have DNA?鈥� many wondered, along with questions such as 鈥淒o you have a
Grand Unified Theory?鈥�, 鈥淲hat is the value of the Hubble constant?鈥�, 鈥淲hat鈥檚
your theory of the origin of life/the Universe?鈥�, 鈥淲hat other life forms have
you found?鈥�, 鈥淎re your plants green?鈥� and 鈥淎re we related?鈥�.
There was also a lot of natural curiosity about life on the alien鈥檚 planet.
鈥淲hat do you eat?鈥�, 鈥淒o you live in peace? If so, how do you manage it?鈥� and
鈥淲hat鈥檚 your weather like?鈥� were often asked, along with detailed questions
about the evolution, social organisation, culture, morality, religion (or lack
of it) and technology of the alien civilisation.
Many readers assumed aliens were superbeings who had the answers to all the
questions that trouble us down here on Earth, such as 鈥淚s OJ innocent or
guilty?鈥�, 鈥淲ho killed Cock Robin?鈥�, 鈥淲here do all the ballpoint pens and odd
socks go?鈥�, 鈥淚s the Universe open or closed?鈥�, 鈥淲hat is God like?鈥� and 鈥淲hat
shall I buy my girlfriend for Christmas?鈥�.
Many replies also assumed that aliens, with their knowledge of time travel,
could tell us which team is going to win the FA cup, who鈥檚 going to win the next
election and, a favourite theme, which numbers would win next week鈥檚
lottery.
Quite a few readers simply turned the challenge round, and asked the alien:
鈥淲hat 10 questions would you ask me?鈥�
Finally, two questions turned up with quite astonishing frequency. One was
variations on the theme of: 鈥淚s that a laser-gun in your pocket or are you just
pleased to see me?鈥� The other was: 鈥淗ow many aliens does it take to change a
light bulb?鈥�
The winning questions are those that we found most original, or that
expressed a popular theme in a witty way. Here they are:
- Why the long face? (Gareth Grindle)
-
Before we shake hands, is your galaxy matter or antimatter? (Roderick
Dewar) -
Did you make that face on Mars? . . . Oh, you thought it was us? (Peter
Andrew) -
Do you really want to be taken to our leader, or would you rather go to the
pub? (John Rowland) -
Did your insurance premiums go up after the Roswell incident? (Sheridan
Locke) -
Before you arrived on Earth, did you think it was populated by little green
men? (Fred Mitchell) -
So you got rid of all the bacteria on your world by sending them to Earth
on a meteorite, did you? (Karen Pike) -
Have your science-fiction writers come up with anything resembling
human beings? (O. Cohen) - Have you ever been abducted by aliens? (Gordon Stewart)
-
Could you make a few corrections to my copy of A Brief History of
Time? (Justin Byrne) -
Do you have mysterious crop circles on your planet? (Martin Seddon
) -
The suspense is killing me. Can you look in your time machine and see if
I鈥檝e won a prize in Feedback鈥檚 Christmas competition? (G. Williams) -
Have you given your home planet a really dull name as well? (Andrew
MacCormack) -
So you鈥檝e been watching our television? Please let me explain . . . (
Andrew Woodward) -
How did you feel when you realised they had taken off without you? (D.
P. G. Butler) -
How much did the Viking Lander fetch at the Martian antiques fair? (Ray
Heaton) -
If we tell you what we know about quantum theory, Neo-Darwinism, chaos,
relativity and superconductors, will you tell us what you know about good
government, cooperation, friendship, peace and personal hygiene? (Michael
Harbour) -
Is it true that the rest of the Universe tells Homo sapiens jokes?
(Simon Bird) -
Didn鈥檛 you think the Voyager II greeting plaque was just a little risque?
(Tim Gillin) - Did you actually mean to come here? (Tony & Suzy Holkham)
Each of the above will receive the nucleus of a Scotch whisky miniature
collection, the Classic Malts selection from United Distillers.
Our congratulations to all the winners, and many thanks to all of you who
entered the competition. It was great fun to judge.
Finally, season鈥檚 greetings to all Feedback鈥檚 readers.