MEN! Do you suffer from fatigue? Aches and pains? Irritability and reduced
libido? Let鈥檚 not mince words: is the old one-eyed trouser snake not as active
as it was?
If you鈥檙e over 40 and honest, the answer is probably yes. And your doctor is
not going to be much help: 鈥淪nap out of it, old man, perfectly normal at your
time of life, just get more exercise and go easy on the booze, eh?鈥�
Luckily, for the publishing industry at any rate, this approach is going out
of fashion. These days it鈥檚 OK for well-nourished and affluent middle-aged men
to have anxieties about their bodies. Women have long had an industry devoted to
keeping their nether regions functioning. Now, it seems, it鈥檚 the blokes鈥�
turn.
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Even if you feel good for your age, Malcolm Carruthers鈥檚 Male
Menopause (Thorsons, 拢12.99 ISBN 07225 3208 3), will give you
something to worry about. He maintains that the 鈥渁ndropause鈥� can strike as early
as the thirties and from then on it is downhill all the way. He provides a
classic 鈥渁re you at risk?鈥� checklist: I scored 26, giving me an andropause
rating of 鈥減robable鈥�. But Dr Carruthers did not quite persuade me to pop down to
his Harley Street clinic for a testosterone top-up.
Prostate cancer, on the other hand, does seem worth getting worked up about.
It is the latest illness to earn the title 鈥渢he silent killer鈥�, a thoroughly
tired clich茅. (What disease, apart from Tourette syndrome, is noisy?)
Michael Korda, novelist and publisher, says it is the male equivalent of breast
cancer, killing the same number of people, but receiving far less attention.
鈥淲omen talk to each other about their bodies, men do not.鈥� Korda鈥檚 Man to
Man (Little, Brown, 拢18.99, ISBN 0 316 88297 6), fills the gap and
more, with an account of a brush with the big P. As the subtitle 鈥淪urviving
Prostate Cancer鈥� gives away, Korda pulls through. But this is a lot more than a
standard 鈥渘ever give up鈥� tract. I plan to keep it on my shelves, just in
case.
One health issue that gives men cause for smugness is smoking. This is now
largely a female problem, in the rich world, at least. For male smokers who
still have doubts, Kristine Napier鈥檚 Cigarettes: What the Warning Label
Doesn鈥檛 Tell You (American Council on Science and Health, $19.95),
gives a stack of lesser-known reasons to quit. 鈥淪moking just two cigarettes
causes acute vasospasm of the penile arteries.鈥� Makes your eyes water, in more
ways than one.
But if you are going to get seriously ill, it helps to be famous and have a
rare disease. At least you can then write a book about it. Ben Watt of
Everything But The Girl (a popular music group, m鈥橪ud) collapsed at the age of
29 with the impressively named Churg-Strauss syndrome. It is a complication of
asthma and caused 90 per cent of his gut to rot away. Patient: The True
Story of a Rare Illness (Viking, 拢12.50, ISBN 0 670 87041 2), is a
hospital diary, interspersed with autobiographical anecdotes that might be of
interest to his fans.
The book makes one understated, yet heartfelt, point. Watt was treated on the
British National Health Service, in a public ward with its bizarre social mix
and inedible breakfasts. The NHS is the last great unifying strand in British
society, and we are terribly close to throwing it away.
Churg-Strauss syndrome does not appear in The Royal Society of Medicine鈥檚
Dictionary of Symptoms (Bloomsbury, 拢15.99, ISBN 0 7475 2720 2).
Which is probably just as well, because like most officially sponsored
publications for the 鈥渓ay readership鈥�, its main aim is to persuade us not to
waste the profession鈥檚 time. Accordingly, it suffers from the 鈥淎 Doctor Writes鈥�
syndrome: almost everything is 鈥渁 common and harmless complaint, but if symptoms
persist, you should seek medical advice鈥�. Still, worth keeping in the home, even
if its advice is sometimes comically banal: 鈥淭he normal penis will commonly
shrink, especially in the cold, to surprisingly small dimensions.鈥�
Much better is my old favourite, The Ship Captain鈥檚 Medical Guide
(Department of Transport, 拢24, ISBN 0 11 550684 5), the 21st edition of
which comes complete with colour photos of infected penises and two suggested
forms of words for conducting the ceremony of burial at sea.
It鈥檚 the unreconstructed, real man鈥檚 medical handbook. And not a hormone in
sight.