IT HAS been a while since we reported any spellchecker gaffes鈥攖hose quirky and occasionally smutty alternatives that spellcheckers insist on offering to replace the reasonable, modest words people use in their writing. Here are a few that readers have sent in recently:
Max Crispin was writing up a chemistry project on AmiPro. When he came to spellcheck his document it suggested 鈥渢itillating鈥� to replace 鈥渢itrating鈥� and 鈥渕oralities鈥� to replace 鈥渕olarities鈥�. Feedback鈥檚 Word checker does the same.
Antony Cowey鈥檚 WordPerfect spellchecker had similar problems with biological words. It refused to recognise the term 鈥渂ioleaching鈥� and proposed two alternatives, 鈥渂ollocking鈥� and 鈥渂ellyaching鈥�.
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Chris Revie was checking through a document on sustainable development written in Claris Works, when the spellchecker came across a misspelling of 鈥渃onsequences鈥�. Its first choice of a correct word was 鈥渃oonskins鈥�.
Poor Alistair Gaskell鈥檚 outgoing e-mail gets spellchecked before being sent by cc:Mail, which insists that the correct spelling of his name is 鈥淎lligator Gasket鈥�. Perversely, it also doesn鈥檛 recognise the words 鈥渆-mail鈥� and 鈥渟pellchecker鈥�.
John Francis recently noticed an interesting gap in Word 7鈥檚 spellchecker: it refuses to recognise the misspelt word 鈥渢abacco鈥� and insists on 鈥淭abasco鈥� instead. (How do you smoke this, Feedback wonders.) It has no problem, however, with the word cannabis, which could lead one to some interesting conclusions about the staff at Microsoft.
And what on earth were Microsoft鈥檚 people up to when they programmed Word鈥檚 spellchecker to replace 鈥渮zzz鈥� with 鈥渟ex鈥�?
Finally, Phillip King points out that scanners, like spellcheckers, are capable of proposing extremely odd alternatives to normal words and phrases. He had occasion recently to scan in a text which included part of the American Declaration of Independence: 鈥渓ife, liberty and the pursuit of happiness鈥�. This appeared on screen as 鈥渓ife, liberty and the pursuit of hairiness鈥�.
The word 鈥渇orm鈥� also got disastrously misread when he tried to scan a form requesting funding from the British Academy. The document鈥檚 first words, according to the scanner, were: 鈥淧lease return this fork to the British Academy.鈥�
GREG Aharonian鈥檚 Internet Patent Information Service continues to fascinate. One of the silliest patents to be granted recently, according to Aharonian in his latest mailing, is US patent number 5 558 280, filed in June 1995 and called 鈥淢ethod and system for recycling and reusing garment hangers鈥�.
Despite the extraordinary language it is written in, there can, says Aharonian, be few things more obvious than this patent claim, which describes: 鈥淎 method of reusing and recycling garment hangers; the steps of collecting a batch of garment hangers at a collecting location, transferring said collected batch of garment hangers to a hanger reuse and recycling facility, sorting said collected batch of garment hangers into a first portion potentially suitable for reuse and a second portion, renovating said first portion, transferring said renovated first portion to a reuse location, conditioning at least a first part of said second portion for recycling, and transferring said conditioned first part of said second portion to a recycling location.鈥�
No jokes, please, about the coat hangers breeding while all this sorting and resorting goes on.
(To subscribe to Aharonian鈥檚 service, send an e-mail with subject 鈥淣EWS鈥� to patents@world.std.com. Include some information on what you do and how you might use the service.)
HAVE YOUR cheeks turned pasty white from overexposure to your computer monitor? Are you worried about becoming addicted to the Internet? If so, there is now a test to determine whether you are losing touch with reality. Here are some sample questions:
What鈥檚 a telephone?
(a) A thing with a round dial you use to talk to others.
(b) A telecommunications device with 12 keys.
(c) Something you plug into a modem.
Which punctuation is most correct?
(a) I had a wonderful day!
(b) I had a **wonderful** day!!!
(c) I had a wonderful day :-)
To avoid a virus you should:
(a) Stay away from people who sneeze and cough.
(b) Never read e-mail entitled 鈥淕ood Times鈥�.
(c) Use virus scanning software every time you boot up.
Want to know more? Noam Weingarten has kindly offered to send the complete questionnaire to anyone interested. Send an e-mail to drno@kerem-byavneh.netmedia.net.il with YES in the subject line.
Meanwhile, another Web-based test helps you to 鈥渄etermine your nerdity quotient鈥�. The nerdity test uses your answers to 500 questions to calculate your percentage score, where 100 per cent corresponds to 鈥渁 pile of sludge whose only connection to the outside world is through the computer Internet system鈥�. Once more, here are some sample questions. Answer yes or no.
a) Can you program the time on a VCR?
b) Do you read computer manuals for pleasure?
c) Can you name or discuss the plots of more than 10 Star Trek episodes?
The full test can be taken at http://gonzo.tamu.edu/nerd.html.
AN AUSTRALIAN friend was planning to travel to Britain recently. Being a Christian, he reckoned a crucifix on a chain would be a good thing to wear because he鈥檚 not keen on flying and he felt it would offer a modicum of reassurance. When he requested the crucifix in a jeweller鈥檚 shop in central Brisbane, the assistant went off to find one and returned saying: 鈥淲e have two types. Do you want a plain cross or one with a little man on it?鈥�
It鈥檚 good to see that Christianity is thriving in Queensland.
FINALLY, when was the last time you spotted a submarine in a pond? Our series about inappropriate product warnings continues with the Ultra sonobuoy.
Sonobuoys pick up noise from beneath the ocean鈥檚 surface and transmit a bearing to aircraft, allowing pilots to determine the position of submarines. Reader Ray Downing was therefore understandably somewhat perplexed by the warning printed on the Ultra sonobuoy: 鈥淧rotect from seawater.鈥�