A COUPLE of weeks ago we ran a piece debunking warnings about computer
viruses supposedly spread by text-only e-mail messages (22 March). Several
readers have written in with solid technological arguments to back up our belief
that these warnings are hoaxes and that computer viruses cannot be spread in
this way, although this may change in the future (see Letters, p 55).
Others, however, have pointed out that such warnings are effectively viruses
themselves, given the way they replicate and spread through computer networks.
So it is with a certain amount of trepidation that we publish this warning,
which Ben Jeapes received by e-mail and sent on to us:
鈥淭here is a computer virus that is being sent across the Internet. If you
receive an e-mail message with the subject line `Free Money鈥�, DO NOT read the
message. DELETE it immediately, UNPLUG your computer, then BURN IT to ASHES in a
government-approved toxic waste disposal INCINERATOR.
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鈥淥nce a computer is infected, it will be TOO LATE. Your computer will begin
to emit a vile ODOUR. Then it will secrete a foul, milky DISCHARGE. Verily, it
shall SCREECH with the tortured, monitor-shattering SCREAM of 1000 hell-scorched
souls, drawing unwanted attention to your cubicle from co-workers and
supervisors alike. After violently ripping itself from the wall, your computer
will punch through your office window as it STREAKS into the night, HOWLING like
a BANSHEE. Once free, it will spend the rest of its days TORTURING household
PETS and MOCKING the POPE.
鈥淪ome filthy, disgusting miscreant . . . some no-good, low-down,
good-for-nothing DIRTY SNAKE, in twisted pursuit of their own sadistic dreams,
is sending this virus across the Net via an e-mail entitled `Free Money鈥�.
鈥淲hat is so terrifying about this virus is that you do not even have to open
the e-mail for it to activate. In fact, you do not even need to RECEIVE the
e-mail. You do not even need to OWN a COMPUTER. `Free Money鈥� can infect even
minor HOUSEHOLD APPLIANCES. How it does this with straight ASCII code is,
frankly, a matter of some debate . . . but BELIEVE YOU US, if this weren鈥檛 a
SERIOUS situation, we wouldn鈥檛 be discussing it in ALL CAPS.
鈥淪o for the LOVE OF GOD, forward this e-mail to all those you claim to care
about, all those you purport to love. Don鈥檛 do it later! Do it NOW! Now! Now!
NOW! NOW! NOW!鈥�
FEEDBACK would not normally venture into the cold waters of the North Sea,
but may be tempted by a plea from a distraught Scottish exploration company.
Submersible Television Surveys, based in Aberdeen, operates a fleet of
remotely operated underwater vehicles which it uses to examine pipelines and
undersea construction sites. Submersibles cost about 拢200 000 each so it
is understandable that STS was devastated when one went missing off the coast of
Norfolk last month.
Desperate for its return, STS has offered a reward of 拢20 000 to the
person who finds the errant sub. With such a prize at stake, Feedback wonders
whether it would be worth hiring an undersea exploration company to help,
preferably one with a comprehensive fleet of remotely operated underwater
vehicles and experience operating off the coast of Norfolk. Any suggestions?
IF YOU are hoping for a sensible transport policy, don鈥檛 look to car
companies. Daimler-Benz is dashing to the aid of frazzled car drivers who are
having trouble overtaking all the trucks on the road. 鈥淲ith a curse on their
lips, drivers wish they could banish all goods transport to the railways,鈥� runs
the blurb.
A fine idea, says Feedback, but unfortunately that鈥檚 not quite what
Daimler-Benz has in mind. Instead, it is launching a device to allow cars to
overtake lots of nasty lorries at once. The so-called 鈥渆lectronic draw-bar鈥� will
join lots of trucks together, only a few feet apart, in convoy fashion. This
will make them look rather like, er, a train.
Next week: how to tie lots of cars together, put cargo on the roof racks, and
float them round the world.
FROM time to time this column has reported on mishaps that the
technologically hard of thinking have had with their computers. We enjoyed this
example, taken from PC Gamer. It concerns a customer who bought an
Evesham PC and complained that it was announcing 鈥渄isc errors鈥� and 鈥済eneral
protection faults鈥� all the time.
The machine was returned three times, and each time the repair department
could find nothing wrong. On the third complaint, one of Evesham鈥檚 technicians
visited the customer鈥檚 office, convinced that there was something electrically
interfering with the machine.
The technician solved the problem in a few minutes鈥攂y removing about
two dozen fridge magnets that the customer had used to adorn the PC.
MEANWHILE, Jim Carlton, writing in The Wall Street Journal, reports
that Compaq is considering changing the command 鈥淧ress Any Key鈥� to 鈥淧ress Return
Key鈥� because of the flood of calls asking where the 鈥淎ny鈥� key is.
Carlton also claims that a Dell customer called the company to
complain that he couldn鈥檛 get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of
futile troubleshooting, the technician discovered that the man was trying to fax
a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the
鈥渟end鈥� key.
FINALLY, it鈥檚 time to wax poetical again. On 22 March, we published a clone
joke pulled off the Net. This prompted several readers to send us this ditty,
composed, Wilbert Garvin tells us, by 鈥渁n anonymous poet in the depths of
肠测产别谤蝉辫补肠别鈥�.
Mary had a little lamb
its fleece was slightly grey,
It didn鈥檛 have a father,
just some borrowed DNA.
It sort of had a mother,
though the ovum was on loan,
It was not so much a lambkin,
as a little lamby clone.
And soon it had a fellow clone,
and soon it had some more,
They followed her to school one day,
all cramming through the door.
It made the children laugh and sing,
the teachers found it droll,
There were far too many lamby clones
for Mary to control.
No other could control the sheep,
since their programs didn鈥檛 vary,
So the scientists resolved it all,
by simply cloning Mary.
But now they feel quite sheepish,
those scientists unwary,
One problem solved, but what to do,
with Mary, Mary, Mary.