IT IS a popular myth that errors in early computers were caused by
insects trapped in the valve circuits. Now, according to the Chicago
Tribune, a certain type of ant has developed a taste for computers in
Brazil.
Creeping unobserved into the machines, the ants鈥攎embers of the genus
Monomorium鈥攏ibble at the sweet protective gel that coats the
circuit boards, causing short circuits and corrosion. Digital phones and
televisions have also been attacked by the technophile invaders, while at the
Rio de Janeiro state video library, employees were puzzled recently to find a
strange residue appearing on the films. It turned out that the insects had
targeted videocassettes as perfect ant nurseries.
鈥淭hese ants will eat anything. They have a vast menu,鈥� says a worried Jair
Duarte, of Rio鈥檚 State Foundation for Environmental Engineering, which is
hosting a national conference on ant control to counter the problem.
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AN UGLY rumour is currently circulating Britain鈥檚 Lake District to
the effect that exotic meats which recently made their appearance at a store in
a certain small Cumbrian town might be something altogether more sinister.
The arrival at the shop鈥檚 meat counter of alligator and ostrich cuts
coincided unhappily with the story of the escape of a rhino from a local
wildlife park. The rhino made national news when it was shot dead by police who
deemed it a danger to the public. Unfortunately, the media did not relate what
happened to the carcass.
Feedback would like to point out that any linking of the two events is
patently absurd. Surely everyone knows that rhino tastes quite different from
alligator and ostrich.
AND CHEW this over. We鈥檝e just heard that the lads and lasses at
the American Academy of Forensic Sciences had an unusual get together at their
49th annual meeting in New York earlier this year.
Those who were willing to get up early enough gathered happily for the Tom
Krauss Memorial Bite Mark Breakfast, where they listened to a seminar on 鈥淟aw
and Bite Marks in the 21st Century鈥�. Presumably they then settled down to
compare wounds inflicted by dogs, snakes and vampires as they scoffed their
pancakes and bacon.
WE ARE getting very wary of publishing jokes because readers
always tell us off if they鈥檝e heard them before. But an anti-geek joke is too
tempting to resist. This one, like so many others, is circulating on the Net,
and, yes, we鈥檙e aware that it is actually a recycling of a joke that鈥檚 as old as
the hills.
A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said: 鈥淚f
you kiss me, I鈥檒l turn into a beautiful princess.鈥� He bent over, picked up the
frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said: 鈥淚f you kiss me and turn me back into a
beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.鈥� The boy took the frog
out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out: 鈥淚f you kiss me and turn me back into a princess,
I鈥檒l stay with you and do anything you want.鈥� Again the boy took the frog out,
smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally the frog asked: 鈥淲hat is it? I鈥檝e told you I鈥檓 a beautiful princess,
that I鈥檒l stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won鈥檛 you kiss
尘别?鈥�
The boy said; 鈥淟ook, I鈥檓 a computer programmer. I don鈥檛 have time for
girlfriends, but a talking frog, that鈥檚 really cool.鈥�
DURING a recent edition of BBC Radio 4鈥檚 The Afternoon Shift,
presenter Daire Brehan described Britain鈥檚 first hydrogen bomb explosion on
Christmas Island in the Pacific in 1957 as an event of 鈥渢ruly atomic
proportions鈥�. Feedback can鈥檛 help feeling that she underestimated the impact of
the experiment by several orders of magnitude.
TEN YEARS ago Feedback went for a ride in a van in Holland, courtesy of
Philips. The object was to show off a prototype car navigation system called
Carin. The driver told a computer in the van where to go, and it used digital
maps from a CD-ROM to work out the route and issue synthesised speech
instructions: 鈥淭urn left . . . Turn right . . . You have arrived.鈥�
The prototype worked only over short distances, but Philips reckoned that
once the US military had finished putting up a network of global positioning
satellites, Carin would be able to guide a driver anywhere across Europe.
Recently Feedback was offered another drive, again courtesy of Philips. This
time it was around London, in a car fitted with a new Carin system which relies
on GPS signals and detailed maps covering most of Europe. Flushed with
enthusiasm for the system, the demonstrator bravely let Feedback call the
shots.
A small screen said the name of the road where the car was parked. We entered
a destination street a few miles away and drove off, while a nice female voice
said to turn left, turn right and so on before announcing: 鈥淵ou have
arrived鈥濃�攋ust as we turned the correct corner.
Impressed but still sceptical, Feedback then insisted that the car take a
whole series of wrong turns, left when Carin said right, and so on. Each time,
the computer recalculated the route, after just a few metres of travel down the
wrong road, and gave new instructions to get the car back on target.
After 30 minutes, the poor beast was being forced to travel down a long
street in completely the wrong direction, without another turning in sight.
Suddenly, Carin told the driver to turn right where there was no right turn. But
there was a car park for a block of flats. After turning off the street into the
car park, Carin told us to turn right again, and then left, thereby bringing the
car back into the main road, pointing in the right direction.
At this stage Feedback could only wonder how to raise the 拢2000 it
costs to fit Carin to a car.
FINALLY when reader John Noble orders a drink of water from the drinks
machine in his office, it proudly announces: 鈥淵OUR DRINK IS BEING FRESHLY
惭础顿贰鈥�.
Surely, Noble reasons, just having a supply of water and pouring some of it
into the cup would be easier.