WHAT are you giving the old folk for Christmas? Eternal life would be nice,
but sadly impossible. How about the next best thing? For a highly competitive
price, Fossils `R鈥� Us will take your loved ones鈥� mortal remains and fossilise
them. Just consider your geological future鈥攖his is a unique opportunity to
preserve your nearest and dearest, or be preserved yourself, forever.
We offer a wide range of services to suit your needs and your pocket. The
basic package will preserve only your hard parts. Initially your body will be
buried beneath the seabed, in sandy mud too deep for worms to burrow down to
you. Over millions of years your skeleton will gradually petrify as the sediment
around it turns to rock. Minerals dissolved in ground water, seeping through the
rocks, will replace the calcium in your bones, hardening them and increasing
their chance of preservation. The site of burial will be chosen carefully to
avoid areas prone to volcanic eruptions or earthquakes.
Fossils `R鈥� Us offers a choice of minerals. Preservation as an iron mineral,
such as pyrite, will be relatively inexpensive. However, after the cast of your
bones has finally been exposed at the Earth鈥檚 surface, the pyrite will
eventually oxidise, leaving a pile of rust not so very different from that
occupying a cremation urn. Alternatively, for a little extra, you can choose
鈥渟ilicification鈥濃�攕ilica is basically glass, so there is a much better
chance that your remains, or those of your loved ones, will survive the passage
of time. Those of you who opt for replacement by opal, on the other hand, can
rest peacefully in the knowledge that you are not only a fossil, but a
good-looking one too.
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But for the Rolls Royce of fossils, may I suggest the 鈥淪ilhouette鈥� option.
The extra cost is well worth it. The burial location, in the ocean deeps, will
be chosen for its fine-grained muds. Not only will your skeleton be exquisitely
rendered in stone, probably replaced by phosphate, but the outline of your body,
right down to your facial profile, will be recorded in the rocks as a film of
black carbon鈥攁n everlasting shadow. Care will be taken not to submerge you
under more than 4000 metres of water, or the pressure would dissolve most of
your remains, leaving only a few bits of bone.
With our 鈥淭utankhamen鈥� package, you can have your mummified remains
fossilised. This highly specialised programme begins in the desert, where you
will be left to desiccate. Next you will be buried in fine sands adjacent to an
oasis, where mummification and rock formation will proceed. Eventually your body
will form a cavity in the rock, lined by a complete impression of your skin.
Within the cavity your skeleton should also be fully mineralised. An arid area
prone to geological subsidence will be carefully selected to ensure that these
terrestrial deposits (of which you will form a part) are not eroded. My
suggestion is the Sahara Desert.
Finally, recent botanical discoveries in eastern Borneo will soon enable
Fossils `R鈥� Us to offer the 鈥淛urassic Park鈥� option, in which your entire cadaver
will be immersed in amber. This incredible opportunity allows every molecule to
be preserved. You鈥檝e read the book, you鈥檝e seen the film鈥攏ow here鈥檚 the
chance to star in the remake. Your remains will be flown to the rainforests of
Borneo and then gradually entombed in the resin that seeps from tree trunks.
Preservation should be so perfect that even distant acquaintances would still
recognise you鈥攁lways supposing they were still alive in a couple of
million years鈥� time, of course. For a small surcharge, insects or keepsakes can
be included in the amber.
And for those of you who want to achieve immortality but are too mean to pay
our highly competitive prices, we recommend that you start walking. Buy yourself
some stout shoes and carve your initials, or perhaps a short message, into the
soles. Then head for quiet, muddy, preferably coastal or lakeside environments.
The more footprints you can lay down close to the water鈥檚 edge, the greater the
chance that one of them will be fossilised and eventually rediscovered in
millions of years鈥� time: Kilroy walked here.