CALLING ALL cosmologists. Your mental dexterity with antimatter, black holes
and the like could come in handy at the negotiations for an agreement on saving
the world鈥檚 climate, set to climax next month in Kyoto, Japan. Negotiators back
from the latest talks in Bonn report a litany of terms that only the Stephen
Hawkings of this world are likely to get their heads round.
First there are the meetings known to UN-ologists as nonmeetings. They have
nonchairpeople and don鈥檛 officially exist. They complement the recent innovation
of UN climate scientists, reported exclusively here on 2 August, to produce a
鈥渮eroth draft鈥� of a report which, logically enough, comes before the first
draft.
One topic discussed at the nonmeetings in Bonn was future rights to 鈥渉ot
air鈥�. Hot air is the theoretical nonemission of greenhouse gases by unnamed
countries. The US would like to buy up as much hot air as it can get hold of in
order to bump up its rights to increase its own all-too-real emissions.
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Agreement on such abstruse matters can be hard to achieve. So UN conference
junkies will not have been surprised to see most of their planned declaration
still in square brackets, denoting that it has not been yet agreed by all
parties. But in Bonn, the chairman (and sometimes nonchairman) Raul
Estrada-Oyuela introduced a new term: 鈥渢he invisible bracket鈥�. It applied,
apparently, to anything he deemed to have been agreed, even though it had not
actually been agreed.
At one point in Bonn, a nonmeeting with a nonchairperson was discussing what
to put into invisible brackets. Got that? Makes superstring theory look easy,
doesn鈥檛 it?
SAD TO hear about Glasgow鈥檚 computerised bus stop displays, which are meant
to tell commuters when the next bus is due. According to The Big Issue in
Scotland, half of them don鈥檛 work. 鈥淭he display doesn鈥檛 tell you anything,鈥�
said one frustrated passenger. 鈥淵our bus can be pulling in to the stop and the
display will still be blank.鈥�
Strathclyde Passenger Transport, which set up the 拢600 000 scheme,
denies things are that bad. SPT spokeswoman Ruth Allan said that only four of
the 50 units were out of order.
鈥淭wo were water-damaged,鈥� she explained. 鈥淥ne wasn鈥檛 fully operational and
one was run over by a bus.鈥�
WHAT A waste that the Moon鈥攖hat giant billboard in the
sky鈥攄oesn鈥檛 actually have any advertisements on it. That, at least, is
what Gary Betts and Malcolm Green think. After consulting NASA scientists, the
two London advertising executives have announced a plan to project corporate
logos onto the Moon鈥檚 surface, using reflected sunlight from two large mirrors.
Meanwhile, Reuters tells us, French scientists have come up with a rival scheme
to inscribe corporate logos in space using reflecting satellites.
Impossible? Outrageous? But then you probably never thought you would see
footballers running around with the names of lager companies on their shirts
either, did you?
颁翱惭笔础狈滨贰厂鈥� claims for their products get sillier and sillier. Sainsbury鈥檚
1-litre cartons of pure orange juice are currently bearing the label: 鈥淣ow even
箩耻颈肠颈别谤鈥�.
Can we expect to see bottles of spring water with the label 鈥淣ow even
飞别迟迟别谤鈥�?
IF THERE is anything more traditionally Dutch than the windmill, it is the
wooden shoe. Holland鈥檚 farmers, builders and others have worn sturdy clogs for
generations鈥攂ut no longer. The Dutch Department of Occupational Health
recently banned clogs for workers in several trades.
Why? Because, as safety shoes, they must comply with European guidelines 鈥渁nd
carry an EC mark of conformity鈥�. Dutch researchers are now considering what
might be needed to bring clogs up to European safety standards.
Line them with tulip petals, perhaps?
THE University of Science, Malaysia, recently produced a glossy brochure on
the occasion of its 鈥淧rofessor James D. Watson Public Lecture鈥� in Penang. It
featured messages from university and government notables, including one from Y.
Bhg. Dato鈥� V. L. Kandan, chairman of the Professor Dr James D. Watson Project
Committee and part of the Tan Sri Dr Augustine Ong Fellowship Trust. Kandan鈥檚
message welcomed Watson to Malaysia and hoped that he would discuss the
鈥渃ontroversial Human Gnome Project鈥�.
IT HAD to happen. As part of a publicity stunt, an Internet search engine
called Excite has unearthed a person named Dot Comm.
Otherwise known as Dorothy Comm, the woman whose name has been inadvertently
spoken by millions is a 68-year-old professor of English at La Sierra University
in Riverside, California. You can find out more about her at:
http://www.gina.com/wire/oct97/oct22-1.htx.
AND DON鈥橳 forget to send in your entries for the Feedback Christmas
Competition.
This year you are invited to tell us the headline you would most like to see
in New 杏吧原创 in the year to come. Your headline may be very
serious, or it may be fantastical. Send us a maximum of five suggestions as your
entry.
Twenty doubly lucky winners will each receive a bottle and a book. Thanks to
the generosity of distillers William Grant and Sons and Allen Lane The Penguin
Press, they will be able to curl up by the fire with a bottle of refreshingly
crisp and original Lichfield Gin, while getting stuck into a copy of
Lifelines, the refreshingly crisp and original new book by award-winning
writer and biologist Steven Rose.
Send your entries by post, fax or e-mail. All entries must reach us by Monday
8 December. The editor鈥檚 decision is final.