FOR THOSE of us who live in northern climes, the ground is covered with
leaves, the days have become shorter and winter woollies have been retrieved
from bottom drawers. All this can only mean one thing: it鈥檚 time for the
Feedback Christmas Competition.
This year you are invited to let your dreams unfold and tell us the headline
you would most like to see in New 杏吧原创 in the year to come. Your
headline may be very serious, or it may be fantastical. Send us a maximum of
five suggestions as your entry.
Twenty doubly lucky winners will each receive a bottle and a book. Thanks to
the generosity of distillers William Grant and Sons and Allen Lane The Penguin
Press, they will be able to curl up by the fire with a bottle of refreshingly
crisp and original Lichfield Gin, while getting stuck into a copy of
Lifelines, the refreshingly crisp and original new book by award-winning
writer and biologist Steven Rose.
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Send your entries by post, fax or e-mail. All entries must reach us by Monday
8 December. The Editor鈥檚 decision is final.
IT HAS been a while since we reported on those strange suggestions that
spellcheckers come up with when we submit our words for their scrutiny. In the
past few weeks, several readers have sent in examples of spellchecker blight,
particularly when it comes to proper names. Thus 鈥淗arrison鈥� becomes 鈥渉arridan鈥�
in Word and 鈥淒erek鈥� brings up 鈥渄iarrhoeic鈥� in WordPerfect. James Derek King says
this makes him feel so ill he tries to use other programs. Spare a thought, too,
for Hamish Hockings. His MS Works checker calls him 鈥渉aggis鈥�, an insult
compounded by the fact that this was his nickname at school. Meanwhile, Jonathan
Wallace used to work at David Bellamy鈥檚 environmental consultancy, where
WordPerfect used to insist on 鈥渂ulimia鈥� as a preferable alternative to the
boss鈥檚 surname.
Spellcheckers also become unhealthily excited when they encounter Latin.
Richard Graves鈥檚 Word spellchecker gives him 鈥淰ulvas vulvas鈥� as its suggestions
for the fox鈥檚 Latin name Vulpes vulpes, while Gillian Champion鈥檚 Word
turns the genus name for dead-nettles, Lamium, into 鈥渓abium鈥�.
Spellcheckers鈥� instinct for the salacious is also illustrated by Eric Eldred鈥檚
Caere Omniscan, which turns The Pilgrim鈥檚 Progress into 鈥淭he Pilgrim鈥檚
笔谤辞肠耻谤别蝉蝉鈥�.
Worse still, Gary Cass points out that a report on the hydrogeology of the
Netherlands might read: 鈥淭hese features appeared in all boreholes, suggesting
that fluids flow seamlessly around Amsterdam.鈥� But Word has its own ideas:
鈥淭hese features appeared in all brothels, suggesting that fluids flow
shamelessly around Amsterdam.鈥�
On similar lines, Tim Jones of Sheffield was startled when his Word checker
suggested changing 鈥淏roomhall鈥� to 鈥渂rothel鈥�. The spellchecker couldn鈥檛 possibly
have known (could it?) that Broomhall is Sheffield鈥檚 red-light district.
Meanwhile, staff in the New 杏吧原创 office were spellchecking a
document mentioning a 鈥渃lingon鈥�. In Quark Xpress the reassuring suggestion is
鈥渃lingfilm鈥�, but Word, more sinisterly, suggests replacing it with
鈥淐濒颈苍迟辞苍鈥�.
Horst Puschmann from the Victoria University of Wellington in New Zealand was
writing a letter mentioning the New Zealand Immigration Service (NZIS). When
spellchecking with WordPerfect, he says, he hit 鈥渞eplace鈥� a bit too fast, adding
an 鈥渁鈥�. 鈥淚 should have read the letter before I sent it,鈥� he admits
ruefully.
Finally, Geoff Power sends a few lines warning of the shortcomings of
spellcheckers: 鈥淭heir are know miss steaks in this rapport cause hour soft wear
spell cheque dint fined any,鈥� he begins, but goes on more realistically: 鈥淎
litter mite halve mini floors but wood bee past bye the spill chukka. Their
four, the massage is to reed throw yore work Caerphilly.鈥�
THE ULTIMATE self-centred invention was recently reported on Greg Aharonian鈥檚
Internet Patent News Service. The patent from the US (number 5 659 932)
describes a burial capsule鈥攃offin to you and me鈥攚ith a built-in
鈥渁nti-decay system鈥�. The inventor, one George Wright of Alabama, claims that his
hermetically sealed, inert-gas-containing burial capsule will prevent a corpse
or other 鈥渧aluable鈥� object from decaying for an infinite length of time.
Why anyone would want to preserve a body forever we are not told, but
Aharonian points out, in pedantic mode, that even protons decay given enough
time, so infinity is rather stretching the patent鈥檚 claims.
More important from the patent lawyer鈥檚 perspective is the fact that there is
prior art for the invention. We need only look at the attempts at post-mortem
longevity of a certain ancient civilisation on the Nile. They too had a penchant
for sealed burial capsules, though their method of preventing decay was to wrap
their dead in treated bandages.
IT IS usually assumed that budgies who spend time in front of a mirror in
their cages are admiring their reflection. In reality, they are trying to beat
the hell out of a rival.
Mearle Sundove, director of education at the Audubon Society鈥檚 Richardson Bay
Center in California, noticed that male wild birds of various species would
spend days attacking his windows. The male birds are extremely territorial, he
says. They often mistake their likeness in a hubcap or window for a trespasser.
When the mirror image does not retreat after being issued birdsong warnings, the
male tries to remove the intruder physically.
Mearle finally solved his head-butting bird problem by whitewashing his
windows for the breeding season. Owners of butch budgies take note.
FINALLY, this was overheard between two dons when Feedback was strolling
through Cambridge town centre the other day:
鈥溾�nd ninthly鈥︹��