WHAT DOES the word 鈥渕icrosoft鈥� make you think of? Computer software or
knickers?
The question recently assumed considerable importance for the legal
department of a certain American computer company when it discovered that the
British superstore Asda sells a line of ladies undergarments called
鈥渕颈肠谤辞蝉辞蹿迟鈥�.
Feverish correspondence ensued and a costly underwear versus software lawsuit
looked inevitable. But then Bill Gates鈥檚 company suddenly had a fit of good
sense. Recognising, perhaps, that a court case might invite public ridicule even
if Microsoft won it, the Americans decided that Asda鈥檚 soft unmentionables are
unlikely to be confused with Windows 95 or any other software intended for use
in computers. So it agreed that the chain of stores can continue to manufacture
its knickers under the sacred name of microsoft, so long as a lower-case 鈥渕鈥� is
used.
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The rumour that Asda also agreed to supply Bill Gates with a lifetime鈥檚
supply of its product is, without doubt, apocryphal.
WHILE WE are on the subject, can someone please tell us what on earth
Microsoft (the computer company) is up to with its online registration
procedures? In recent weeks, several readers have written to express their
bemusement on receiving an 鈥渆rror鈥� message while trying to register for new
Microsoft products, such as the Internet Explorer 4.0 Web browser
This is what happens. The online registration process asks for details about
the user, and one of the questions asks for a fax number. But the form also
allows you to tick a box to say that you do not wish to receive unsolicited
faxes. If, however, you tick this box instead of giving your fax number, you are
told: 鈥淭he following error was found. We need your fax number to respect your
wishes not to receive unsolicited faxes.鈥�
The same goes for your address. Don鈥檛 give it, and you are told: 鈥淲e need
your address in order to respect your wishes not to receive unsolicited
尘补颈濒.鈥�
Presumably there is some kind of logic behind this. But whatever it is,
Feedback can鈥檛 see it.
DOES YOUR heart sink when you are trying to phone someone in a service
company and you get a recorded message instead?
Perhaps it depends on the message. Mark Endean couldn鈥檛 help smiling when his
chargecard company told him: 鈥淵our call will be answered in the order in which
it was received.鈥� At least he knew it wasn鈥檛 going to be answered backwards.
CELLPHONES are in the news again, with more scare stories about cancer and a
lot of pseudoscience and hearsay evidence of the 鈥淚 started getting headaches
when I bought a cellphone, and so did my friend鈥� variety.
Feedback has waited for Britain鈥檚 four cellphone companies, or their trade
body the Federation of Communication Services, to counter the speculation by
volunteering some science-based reassurances. But not a peep. Their policy is
only to reply to questions. So Feedback asked for a statement.
The FCS responded by issuing assurances that there was nothing to worry
about, backed by 鈥渆vidence鈥� such as: 鈥淎n international agency operating on
behalf of the World Health Organization examined this issue and found no
problem鈥� and, 鈥淭he most recently completed [study] is the FGF-funded German
research study which found no evidence of adverse effects.鈥� What the FGF is,
nobody seems to know.
The FCS also referred to a reassurance from the National Radiological
Protection Board, dated April 1996, even though the latest scare stories quote
the NRPB as 鈥渘ow much less certain鈥�.
With rebuttals as vague as this, the scare stories will run and run. Small
wonder that in the US there is already a new name on the streets for cellular
phones鈥� carcinophones.
AND BACK to Microsoft (the computer company). One of the most interesting
talks at the sixth High-Performance Distributed Computing Conference at Portland
State University in Oregon this summer was the keynote speech by Ken Birman of
Cornell University, entitled 鈥淢aking the next generation Internet safe at any
蝉辫别别诲鈥�.
According to a report in IEEE Computational Science and Engineering,
Birman explained that Intel processors running Microsoft鈥檚 Windows 95 would soon
be in widespread use for life-critical and safety-critical applications such
as hospital monitors, air traffic control, and national security. Like it or
not, he said, 鈥渆conomic forces鈥� make this revolution unstoppable.
Unfortunately, while Birman was explaining these points, his PowerPoint
presentation kept crashing on his Windows PC. He was able to continue the
presentation only after transferring his files to a Macintosh.
AT LEAST Birman tried to use the real thing. Microsoft (the computer company)
recently took over a London nightclub during the day to show off the wonders of
Windows 98, which will soon replace Windows 95. Win 98 includes Internet
Explorer 4.0. 鈥淚t鈥檚 easier, richer and faster,鈥� Microsoft speakers repeatedly
assured the audience, promising that the World Wide Web would no longer be
dubbed the World Wide Wait.
Sure enough, the Web pages flashed up on screen at lightning speed. So
quickly, in fact, that smart members of the trade audience eventually asked
whether the PC was actually connected to a modem and phone line.
鈥淥h no,鈥� said the Microsoft people cheerily. 鈥淲e didn鈥檛 think you鈥檇 want to
sit and watch an hourglass on the screen.鈥�