A FEW months ago I wrote a short, locally distributed guide to the creation
of Web sites, as a leg-stretching exercise for a full-blown book on the
subject.The events that followed have filled me with trepidation about what will
happen when my book comes off the press.
It soon became clear to me that everyone regards the Web as essentially a
public service, available as of right, like fresh air, and that anyone who
constructs Web sites is seen as having vast amounts of free time. Did I realise?
No, not me. I鈥檓 far too stupid. Witness three phone calls just after the guide
came out.
The Rev August Personage: 鈥淚 read your guide and I鈥檓 using it to
construct a Church News Web. Could you have a look and maybe tinker with it a
产颈迟?鈥�
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Me (in a moment of insanity): 鈥淥f course!鈥�
I spent a full two days, or their equivalent in the dead of night, beating
the thing into shape, although it wasn鈥檛 a bad effort to start with, and I felt
my reward would be in heaven. Not so the next time.
Harry Parry, of Parry, Lemming & Bender, Lawyers: 鈥淚 read your
guide and using it I鈥檝e constructed a PLB Legal News Web. Could you have a look
at it and maybe tinker . . . ?鈥�
Me (not so daft this time): 鈥淣ot a chance!鈥�
HP: 鈥淏ut my friend the Rev Personage says you did him a similar
蹿补惫辞耻谤.鈥�
Me: 鈥淗e doesn鈥檛 charge 拢50 an hour.鈥�
HP: 鈥淲e charge 拢100 an hour.鈥�
Me: 鈥淪o do I, all of a sudden.鈥�
HP: 鈥淵ou can鈥檛 equate the learned legal profession with a bit of
doodling. I mean, where would we all be if amateurs charged the same as
辫谤辞蹿别蝉蝉颈辞苍补濒蝉?鈥�
Me: 鈥淔urther up the world golf rankings. Look, call up an Internet
design consultancy. Then get back to me with an apology and half their
蹿别别蝉.鈥�
HP: 鈥淚 think you鈥檙e being unreasonable.鈥�
Me: 鈥淚s that a professional opinion?鈥�
HP: 鈥淣o, we charge for those. Ah! You can鈥檛 get exams in Webbery so
it鈥檚 just a hobby, right?鈥� . . . Ring ring.
Gary Jarry of The Action Group for the Unemployed and Otherwise Not
Busy: 鈥淚 read your excellent guide and I鈥檝e constructed a TAGUONB Benefits
Web Site. Could you . . . ?鈥�
Me: (less daft by the minute but still with a social conscience)
鈥淚鈥檇 love to help, but if I acceded to all these requests I鈥檇 never earn a
濒颈惫颈苍驳.鈥�
GJ: 鈥淎 lot of people are in that situation.鈥�
Me: 鈥淣ot by virtue of their expertise.鈥�
GJ: 鈥淏ut our chaplain, Rev Personage 鈥︹��
Me: 鈥淲ith whom I鈥檇 like a word. Seriously, there are any number of
people who will be happy to help you. There are even free courses on it.
GJ: 鈥淵es, but I鈥檝e already done it. I just want you to look at it
and say it鈥檚 fine.鈥�
Me: 鈥淚t鈥檒l be better than 90 per cent of the dross out there,
especially home pages from American families who insist on providing full-colour
JPEGs of the entire clan in a Jacuzzi and a list of what they have for dinner
each night.鈥�
GJ: 鈥淪o, you refuse to spend your publicly funded time on a worthy
肠补耻蝉别?鈥�
Me: 鈥淚鈥檓 not publicly funded to do this. I do it in my spare bedroom
with a PC I bought from my pocket money. Try the council.鈥�
GJ: 鈥淚 did. They said talk to you since you鈥檝e given everyone these
grand ideas.鈥�
Me: 鈥淣ice one. Why don鈥檛 you ask your service provider. Maybe
they鈥檒l do you a freebie.鈥�
GJ: 鈥淲hat鈥檚 a service provider?鈥�
So when the book comes out, I鈥檓 expecting goodness knows how many e-mails
requesting 鈥渁 quick look at the Web site I did after Chapter 5鈥�. Would any of
these people buy a cookery book then phone asking the author to pop around and
taste their soup?
I鈥檓 setting up an e-mail responder that says: 鈥淭hank you for your
communication. I鈥檓 glad you have derived pleasure and occupation from my humble
publication. If you divide the money I will make by the time that I spent
writing it, I got 3p an hour. Kindly lodge a protest with
http://www.open.gov.uk at this manifest exploitation and do not add to the
problem. Alternatively, please feel free to come round and dig my garden.鈥�