INFORMATION, information. It鈥檚 coming at me from all directions. Check the
latest e-mails, read the morning鈥檚 faxes, open today鈥檚 post, read yesterday鈥檚
newspapers, scan last week鈥檚 magazines, tackle the books that mother gave me
last year . . . Oh, and there goes the telephone.
鈥淗ello . . . What鈥檚 that? Have I seen what latest CD-ROMs on the Internet?鈥�
I鈥檓 not sure I can take any more.
I know, I鈥檒l relax with a bit of mindless television. But heavens, someone鈥檚
changed the set. The screen鈥檚 bigger, and what鈥檚 this new attachment? Never
mind, I鈥檒l give it a whirl.
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Hmm. The handset seems to have grown a bit. Do I really need this many
controls? And what鈥檚 under this flap鈥攁nother keypad? At least, these
buttons look familiar鈥擨鈥檒l turn it on.
鈥淲elcome to Worldomination Interactive Digital TV Service, a subsidiary of
MacroWaft, with 800 channels for you to choose from. If you tell us about
yourself we鈥檒l suggest the best sort of programme mix to suit you today. Just
enter a YES or NO on the controller on your HHPN鈥攖hat鈥檚 your hand-held
personal navigator.鈥�
Eight hundred channels? Where鈥檚 Channel 4? It鈥檚 time for Friends.
And what鈥檚 the HHPN anyway? I suppose it鈥檚 this overgrown remote control. But
what do I press? Oh no, now what have I done?
鈥淵ou entered YES, so now you can provide us with lots of personal
information. Just use your HHPN to answer the questions. You will need to use
the keypad, by the way. Start now: name, age, sex, sexual orientation, number of
children, favourite food, place of work, income . . . 鈥�
Keypad? Oh, the thing under the flap. It鈥檚 a bit small. My fingers keep
hitting three keys at once, and the keys are in alphabetical order rather than
qwerty . . . 鈥淣ame of bank鈥� . . . Friendswill be nearly over by
now.
鈥淭hank you for your time. Now we will give you a username and password so
that you can access your own, personalised version of our services.鈥�
I might get the adverts after Friends if I hurry.
鈥淕ood evening Mr bCbaadzyzz, we are the Universal Banking Corporation, a
subsidiary of MacroWaft. The information you provided to our business partner,
Worldomination, leads us to believe that you need a range of comprehensive
financial services, tailored just for you. May we take a few moments of your
time to clarify some of your details? YES or NO.鈥�
No! Quick, press NO. Ah, what a relief, it鈥檚 gone away and something like
real television is happening.
鈥淲elcome to Sherlock Holmes鈥檚 Interactive Mystery Evening. Tonight
we need you to interact with us. Don鈥檛 be squeamish: that may look like real
blood, and real bits of human body鈥攖hat鈥檚 because we want you to feel as
if you are the actual perpetrator of some hideous crimes . . . 鈥�
Yuck! That鈥檚 disgusting. How do I get rid of this muck? Where鈥檚 the channel
selector? It must be this button. Oh yes, it鈥檚 the beginning of The Big
Country, one of my favourite films. Ah . . . now I can lie back and enjoy.
What bliss!
鈥淗owdy, pardner! You鈥檝e just tuned into Western Channel. Did you know you can
change the ending of this movie, or interact with the characters at any point,
or find out about some of the wonderful Western products available from our
sponsor鈥檚 store?
鈥淏ut before we go on, we would like to remind you that you have received
e-mail? Would you like to read it now? Also, you can access all the world鈥檚
newspapers via this set. Just think, you could read real-time financial
information while you are watching your favourite movie . . . Meanwhile, we just
need a few personal details . . . 鈥�
No. No. Leave me alone! Quick, turn it off. I can鈥檛 stand this. I just want
to relax. I don鈥檛 want to feel as if I鈥檓 a real murderer, or have my favourite
film mucked about, or interact with an advertisement. And I definitely don鈥檛
want to be bombarded by nonstop offers to participate while I鈥檓 watching. And
what鈥檚 all this one-to-one marketing stuff? It鈥檚 like having every marketing
person on the planet in the room with me. Thank goodness I turned it off.
鈥淏leep! Hello again Mr bCbaadzyzz, we think you accidentally pressed the
wrong button. We know that once you have entered MacroWaft鈥檚 world you could not
possibly want to leave, so we have locked the system on. What would you like to
watch today . . . ?鈥�