AS THE World Wide Web inexorably expands to the point of taking over the
Universe, hundreds of pages come into existence every day. Not all of them are
useful and some serve no purpose at all.
These functionally challenged sites are the subject of the Useless pages
http://www.go2net.com/internet/useless/index.html, set up in 1994 after
Paul Philips, its founder, encountered 鈥淜enny Z鈥檚 CD list鈥� during an internet
search. 鈥淚ts utility was nil, its style banal, its content embarrassing, its
unintentional humour value high. Through Usenet I brought this to the attention
of other like minded sorts who experience pleasure through the ridicule of
others, who deluged me with pointers to ever more useless creations.鈥�
The Useless pages offer surfers the opportunity to submit nominations for the
annual Bobbie Awards. Named after Microsoft Bob, a piece of software so useless
that even Microsoft鈥檚 marketing team could not sell it, the awards honour,
according to Steve Berlin, its current editor, 鈥渢he dullest of the dull or the
bland leading the bland鈥�.
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You have been warned.
AT THE end of last year, the European Federation of Chemical Science set up a
working party called Environmental Science and Pollution Research International.
The organisation has since been promoting itself with brochures that emphasise
how inclusive it is in its work. To sum up the point, the brochure鈥檚 cover shows
a large E surrounded by three rings of encircling text which state 鈥淔ood Chem鈥�,
鈥淐hem Edu鈥� and 鈥淎nal Chem鈥�.
THE US Department of the Army provides extensive services to its pensioners,
some of which provoke curiosity. In a recent newsletter to the Fort Meade
Retirement Area, a casualty checklist asks for personal and financial details,
together with such further information as 鈥淲ho should be notified of your
death?鈥�, 鈥淒o you wish to be buried/cremated?鈥� and, most intriguing of all, 鈥淣ame
of cemetery where you want to be married鈥�.
GRAVEYARDS are always dark at night, especially in Stephen King books and
horror movies鈥攐r they have been till now. This could all change, thanks to
Alexander Arcadia and Theresa North, two American inventors, and their
Illuminated Memorial Assembly, which has just been granted US Patent 5 564 816.
Their device is an enclosed light which shines down on the face of a tombstone
to make the lettering visible in the dark.
Apparently aware that families sometimes forget to visit their departed as
often as they should, Arcadia and North have thoughtfully included a solar
collector to recharge the battery that powers the light and, with a nod to sad
reality, have made the 鈥渁ssembly鈥� vandal resistant.
All of which seems a touch macabre. But that鈥檚 not surprising, given the name
of the agency the inventors chose to file their application with LaMorte &
Associates.
HAVE you ever seen a square turkey? Or come to that, a spherical one? The
question is prompted by Michael Harrington, who recently bought himself a new
gas oven. In the instruction book he found advice on cooking poultry. It ended
by stating that the oven was capable of cooking any turkey up to about 10
kilograms in weight 鈥渁s long as it is the right shape鈥�.
SOFTWARE licensing agreements seem to be getting stranger by the day. For
example, Barry Adams recently received the following with his new Web browser
from Sun Microsystems: 鈥淏y downloading this software, you are agreeing to comply
with all of the United States and other applicable country laws and regulations
when either exporting, re-exporting or importing this software or any underlying
information or technology. Further, you acknowledge that you are not a national
of Cuba, Iran, Iraq, Libya, North Korea, Sudan or Syria or a party that is
listed in the US List of Denied Persons or the US Treasury Department鈥檚 list of
Specially Designated Nationals. This product is restricted from being used for
the design or development of nuclear, chemical, biological weapons or missile
technology without the prior permission of the US Government. By downloading
this software, I acknowledge that I have read and fully understand the foregoing
information and agree to abide by its terms and conditions.鈥�
Exactly what retribution would follow, Adams wonders, if an Iraqi national
clicked on the download button.
FROM time to time, Feedback hears from readers who are puzzled about the
multiple authorship of scientific papers. How do so many authors collaborate? Do
they all really contribute to the paper? Do they all read the first draft and
make corrections? How is the whole thing organised?
These are the kinds of issues D. Simpson of Norwich wondered about when he
came across the list of 410 authors supposedly responsible for a paper entitled
鈥淐ollaborative overview of randomised trials of antiplatelet therapy鈥�, which
appeared in the British Medical Journal (vol 308, p 81) back in
1994.
Simpson wonders if 410 is the all-time record for multi-authorship of a
single paper. We wonder too. Can readers help?
FINALLY, has anybody got the Hewlett-Packard Environmental, Health &
Safety Handbook for Employees? If so, Feedback would be grateful for
confirmation that, as one of its informants has claimed, page 16 contains the
following helpful advice: 鈥淏link your eyelids periodically to lubricate your
eyes鈥�. One wonders why the handbook contains no additional advice on inflating
the lungs periodically to oxygenate the blood.