IT HAS been a while since we discussed the unfortunate tendency of
spellcheckers to 鈥渃orrect鈥� perfectly good English and turn it into something
quite different from the writer鈥檚 intentions. Here is a new batch of examples
sent in by offended readers.
Names are sitting targets for wayward spellcheckers. Isobel Piper鈥檚 Windows
95 spellchecker transformed Saddam Hussein into Sadist Hussies. And when Alison
Reeve was writing up a university group project, her spellchecker suggested
replacing the surnames of the group members鈥擱eeve, Conroy, Phillips and
Payne鈥攚ith a piece of unasked-for advice: 鈥淩evile corny phallus pain.鈥�
The opportunity to drag a serious document into the gutter is too great a
temptation for some spellcheckers to resist. When Gary Kass鈥檚 spellchecker was
let loose on a report about Dutch hydrogeology, it changed 鈥淭hese features
appeared in all boreholes, suggesting that fluids flow seamlessly around
Amsterdam鈥� to 鈥淭hese features appeared in all brothels, suggesting that fluids
flow shamelessly around Amsterdam.鈥�
Advertisement
But it is not only spellcheckers that we must be wary of. Bernard McCartan鈥檚
Word for Windows 95 politically correct grammar checker objected to the surname
Freedman which appeared in his document. The message came back: 鈥淕ender specific
expression. Consider replacing with Freed Slave or Ex-slave.鈥�
Meanwhile, Steve Temple found the spellchecker on Lotus Manuscript capable of
a remarkable degree of self-awareness when it turned 鈥渄esktop computer鈥� into
鈥渄espot computer鈥�.
Finally, Paul Johnston discovered that Word 97鈥檚 spelling and grammar
checkers can provide hours of entertainment on a wet Sunday afternoon. Take the
sentence: 鈥淐ome and enjoy fresh homemade sandwiches.鈥� First, the spellchecker
will suggest you replace 鈥渉omemade鈥� with 鈥渉ome-made鈥�. Then the grammar checker
will suggest you replace 鈥渉ome-made鈥� with 鈥渉omemade鈥�. Then . . .
Have fun.
WE WERE HAD. Silly us.
When British cellphone service operator Orange publicised its presence at the
giant Live 98 consumer electronics show in London recently by promising 鈥渢he
world鈥檚 first videophone鈥� and a 鈥減rototype video telephone system鈥�, we believed
it would be on show. On the strength of an assurance from Orange that this would
be so, New 杏吧原创 even published a short piece about the work Orange
said it was doing with the University of Strathclyde
(This Week, 26 September, p 11).
The show organisers obviously believed Orange too. On opening day, their
publicity promised that Orange would be 鈥渟howing the futuristic videophone鈥�. But
when Feedback hotfooted it to the Orange stand there was no working videophone,
just a plastic mock-up and a video showing what looked suspiciously like a dummy
phone with simulated pictures.
Denise Lewis, Orange鈥檚 head of corporate communications, told Feedback: 鈥淲e
never said that the phone would be demonstrated. We will unveil the product when
we are ready to do so.鈥�
So what about the press reports based on what turned out to be a dummy? They
were 鈥済reat publicity鈥�, said Lewis.
Indeed.
ONCE you have installed the CD version of Merriam Webster鈥檚 Collegiate
Dictionary鈥擠eluxe Audio Edition, don鈥檛 fail to open the 鈥淩ead me鈥�
window, which 鈥渋ncludes important information that is not included in the User鈥檚
Guide or Quick Start Guide鈥�.
For what is the first piece of important information included here? Why, the
Installation Instructions, of course.
Later in the same file, one learns that: 鈥淭he close button is missing or
absent on art windows.鈥� Presumably, some study of the dictionary itself will
clarify the difference between missing and absent.
SOME SAY that scientists protected by the walls of academe have no conception
of problems in the 鈥渞eal world鈥�. But researchers at Texas A&M University in
College Station have discovered an alarming real-world problem on their own
doorstep. Their campus is slowly being overrun by cats鈥攎ore than 500 are
currently resident鈥攁s a result of owners abandoning pets on university
grounds and students鈥� pets running wild.
Instead of calling in the exterminators, Margaret Slater, a veterinary
epidemiologist, has decided to study the cats. By fitting radio transmitters to
captured cats, she hopes to learn about their behaviour in different
environments. Feedback wonders whether her results will match the behaviour
patterns of the students. Will, for example, the cats residing in the football
stadium be more boisterous than those in the department of molecular
biology?
Not all the cats are going to enjoy the scientific research, however. When
they are captured, each cat will be spayed or neutered.
FINALLY, Feedback rather doubts the authenticity of this story, but feels it
is too charming to ignore.
The inscription on the metal bands used by American wildlife officials to tag
migratory birds has apparently been changed. The bands used to bear the address
of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated to 鈥淲ash. Biol. Surv.鈥�.
That was until the agency received a letter from a camper in Arkansas. It
said, 鈥淒ear Sirs, While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it
was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to
tell you it was horrible.鈥�
The bands are now marked 鈥淔ish and Wildlife Service鈥�.