HERE is a little ditty about Bill Gates and his company. The interesting
thing about it is that it was sent to us anonymously鈥攊n a Microsoft
envelope. Is this the sort of thing that Gates鈥檚 employees pass round when the
boss isn鈥檛 looking?
Said Bill鈥攁nd he said it quite stroppily鈥�
鈥淚 tell you, it鈥檚 not a monopoly!
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We fight to survive
And for freedom to thrive
As free men fought once at Thermopylae.鈥�
Said Janet: 鈥淚t is a monopoly.
The proof? You program so sloppily.
Your software鈥檚 a pain.
You have to restrain
The people who could do it properly.鈥�
AND here鈥檚 a joke about Microsoft and millennium compliance. Reader Philip
Harvey found it somewhere on the Internet and forwarded it to us.
鈥淟ooking to become more user-friendly, Microsoft intended to update its
Windows package, which was due for release next year. Problems have arisen,
however, over the name of the update which will follow Windows `95 and Windows
`98, causing the release date to be put back indefinitely. This has disappointed
many users who are all anxious to get a copy of Windows 1900.鈥�
FEEDBACK lost e-mail contact with a colleague in Florida recently. When
communication was restored, the colleague explained: 鈥淪orry about the delay in
responding to your message, but someone dropped a house on the line.鈥�
She wasn鈥檛 joking. In Florida, she says, when people want to build a bigger
house, they get tax breaks if they donate their old house to a charitable
institution. So a large loader comes along, picks the house up and carries it
away, leaving the owner鈥檚 land free for a grander mansion to be built.
On this occasion, a butter-fingered operative misjudged the task in hand. The
house being transported slid onto the cable carrying Feedback鈥檚 message.
Or was it Feedback鈥檚 message that brought the house down?
DROP for drop, the eastern brown snake of Australia has the second most
deadly venom of any snake.
Yet it is far more likely to be attacked by a human than the other way
around.
Pat Whitaker, a biologist at the University of Sydney, analysed 455
encounters between humans and the deadly reptile. The snake either retreated,
froze or ignored the human 98 per cent of the time. It advanced on about 2 per
cent of occasions, but only rarely with the intention to bite. The most
aggressive behaviour, which occurred less than 1 per cent of the time, was in
the mating season in spring when males were on edge.
On the other hand, almost half the people tried to kill the snake when they
saw one. 鈥淚f you鈥檙e a large venomous snake and you stick your head up three
times, by the third occasion you鈥檙e likely to be dead,鈥� says Whitaker.
The bottom line, he adds, is that people, need to be educated not to
slaughter wildlife needlessly. We humans, it seems, are the real snakes in the
grass.
NEAL TODD recently received a mailshot about a scanner that includes this
attractive feature: 鈥淰isioneer ProOCR100 is the first 100 per cent useful OCR
software package for any scanner. Scan in virtually any document with your
scanner, and ProOCR100鈥檚 `Page Mirror鈥� technology will give you usable, editable
text that is a `mirror鈥� of the original document.鈥�
Text that is a mirror of the original? Hmm, most 鈥渦sable鈥�.
BRITISH cellphone company Orange predicts that by 2010, 90 per cent of all
voice and data calls will be made with mobile phones. Rival One 2 One seems to
be trying to make this happen sooner.
Feedback recently received a press release from One 2 One and needed to check
a detail. The release gave the number for press inquiries as 0956 700 121. But,
wait a minute, isn鈥檛 that a mobile number?
Yes, confirms One 2 One sheepishly, initially ducking the question of how
much calls to this number cost the inquirer.
The unpalatable answer is that whereas an ordinary phone call to another
London number would cost 4p a minute at peak rate, using the cellphone number
costs the caller 30p a minute.
鈥淵ou are welcome to call us on our direct lines,鈥� says One 2 One. There鈥檚
only one snag, though. The company鈥檚 headed notepaper gives only mobile
numbers鈥攅ven for the fax.
TONY HOLKHAM was interested to receive a leaflet from Superdrug with 鈥淔ree鈥�
in big letters on the front. Inside were details of the perfumes on offer at the
store, with the recommendation that customers consult the in-store 鈥淔ragrance
Consultant鈥濃�攂ut no mention of the freebie.
So Holkham rang the store. 鈥淲hat exactly is it that鈥檚 free?鈥� he asked.
Came the cheerful reply: 鈥淚t鈥檚 the leaflet that鈥檚 free.鈥�
How generous.
THERE IS something mysterious about the 鈥渧alue lemonade鈥� available at Tesco鈥檚
supermarkets. When Marco D鈥橝mbrosio inspected the label on the back of a bottle
of it, he read: 鈥�100 ml of lemonade provides 8kJ of energy, while 200ml provides
17办闯.鈥�
FINALLY, another product instruction for the cogitationally challenged.
Heinz鈥檚 baked bean Shepherd鈥檚 Pie comes with full cooking guidelines.
Number 3 is: 鈥淐ook for 40 to 45 minutes in the top half of the oven.鈥�
Number 4 is: 鈥淭ake out of the oven.鈥�
Number 5 is: 鈥淪erve . . .鈥�