STATING the blindingly obvious is a favourite trick of many headline writers,
but those who contribute to the Newswise online news agency seem to have honed
it to perfection. Here are two examples of the craft from last week鈥檚 batch of
releases: 鈥淎nti-depressants may benefit depressed patients鈥� and 鈥淪kin care
products that can benefit the skin鈥�.
Before long, expect to see Newswise proclaiming 鈥淪pectacles may aid vision鈥�,
鈥淎lcohol may impair the senses鈥� and 鈥淔ood may ease hunger鈥�.
TALKING of headlines, here is a strange one from a recent issue of the
The Wall Street Journal. 鈥淐oke Formally Names Daft Chairman, CEO,鈥� the
Journal announced on its front page. One had to read the article to
discover that what this meant was that Coca-Cola has appointed Douglas Daft as
its chairman and chief executive.
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And how about this from our old friend the Edinburgh Evening News
(see Feedback, 4 March)? A recent story about a reduction in funding for a
children鈥檚 hospital was headlined 鈥淪ick kids to be cut in half鈥�, with the
sub-heading 鈥淐hildren鈥檚 beds slashed鈥�.
ADVERTISING its product intended to prevent lime scale, the ScaleWatcher
company announces some radical new departures in physical chemistry: 鈥淭he
principle of physical water conditioning is not new鈥caleWatcher takes this
knowledge into the 21st century by application of DDMF鈥擠ynamic
Disturbance of Molecular Forces. The electronic unit works by sending out a
computerised modulated signal which changes the electrical and physical
properties of scale-forming calcium molecules. This action stops any further
build-up of scale by preventing the molecules from adhering to themselves, or
any other surface. The solubility of water is also increased, therefore existing
scale is dissolved back into the water, and gradually removed.鈥�
We鈥檒l have a litre of that extra-soluble water, please. But then the
company鈥檚 American distributor adds to the excitingly innovative nature of the
promotion by claiming what appears to be precisely the opposite at
www.scalewatcher.com: 鈥淪calewatcher creates an induced electric field inside
the pipe whereby the crystal growth of scaling minerals in the water is
promoted. Crystals remain suspended in solution and no longer contribute to the
build-up of hard pipewall deposits.鈥�
You pays your money and you takes your choice. Or not.
PERHAPS someone should explain the meaning of the word 鈥渁utomatic鈥� to the
staff of the Homebase store in Cardiff.
The doors out to the garden section have large stickers on them saying
鈥渁utomatic doors鈥�. However, these doors do not open when approached. Instead
there is a sign above a button next to the doors which reads: 鈥淐ustomers should
press button to open automatic doors鈥�.
WHAT causes the tendency among professionals to invent increasingly complex
jargon for simple things? Is it to prevent non-specialists understanding what
they are talking about?
For example, people who work in forestry and conservation have long
recognised the importance of dead wood as a habitat. But over time, this
straightforward term has gradually changed in official literature to 鈥渃oarse
woody debris鈥� or CWD. And now this term, too, is changing. Recent European Union
publications on the natural environment refer to CWD as 鈥渘ecromass鈥�. Poetic it
颈蝉苍鈥檛.
Meanwhile, has anyone else noticed the strange mutation of ear nose and
throat departments in hospitals to otorhinolaryngology departments?
WAS this exactly what they meant? A colleague recently received an e-mail
from Aladdin Systems touting its HotTime software for electronic organisers.
鈥淥ne more thing,鈥� it concluded, after running through the virtues of the
product. 鈥淎laddin always backs its products with a 30 day, no questions-asked,
no money-back guarantee.鈥�
We are confident that Aladdin can rest assured that none of its competitors
offers a comparable guarantee.
AND now we have genetically engineered laboratory rats that are like 鈥渞eal
men鈥�. Unveiled this month in Birmingham at the annual meeting of the British
Endocrine Societies, the rodents were dubbed 鈥淪LOB鈥� rats by their creators,
Randip Bains and his colleagues at the National Institute for Medical Research
in Mill Hill, London.
For the record, SLOB stands for 鈥渟evere late-onset obesity鈥�. In their
presentation in Birmingham, the researchers pointed out that the condition only
affects males, causing them to get obscenely fat when they get older. It has not
so far been recorded whether the rats also sit around all day watching TV,
talking about football and drinking beer.
THE mounting card for the SunMate Spike Base garden sprinkler made by
Irrigation Products of North Salt Lake, Utah, does not explain how to use the
adjustments for either the flow rate or sprinkler angle on the head of the
sprinkler, reader Jack Gilding tell us. However it does contain the important
warning 鈥淔or outdoor use with cold water only鈥�.