THE year began with a global party as the world celebrated the start of a new
millennium鈥攁part from a few numerate dissidents who believe the millennium
starts in 2001. The year ended with a step back in time. The vagaries of the
punch card, a digital technology straight out of the 19th century, look likely
to make George W. Bush the first American president of the 21st century. And the
first minority president since the 19th century.
So the year started with a bang and ended with a wimp. But what will Bush do
about the climate negotiations? The developed world agreed to cut emissions of
carbon dioxide at Kyoto in 1997. In The Hague last month the world tried to
finalise the agreement. But the talks failed. The delegates ran out of
time鈥� all because the oil industry had booked the conference hall. Can the
talks be salvaged? Well, don鈥檛 depend on Bush. He opposes the Kyoto Protocol
because 鈥渋t is ineffective, inadequate and unfair to America鈥�.
So while Bush tries to remember the name of the country that N鈥橠jamena is the
capital of, fill your glasses and bid a fond good riddance to the year with our
deeply trivial Christmas Quiz.
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Food and drink
1 After all those seasonal excesses you鈥檙e naturally feeling somewhat
bloated. What鈥檚 your best remedy?
a) put your feet up, turn on the telly and reach for a six-pack
b) take a 20-minute walk every day
c) resolve to join a gym and work out
2 You might also feel that the season has dulled the keen edge of your brain.
How can you maintain your mental faculties?
a) drink half a litre of wine a day
b) start the day with a stiff slug of absinthe
c) stuff your turkey with pineapple sage and onion
Sporting chance
3 鈥淲here are your glasses,鈥� is one of the politer remarks hurled from the
crowd at football officials. So why are the spectators better judges of when a
player is offside?
a) they鈥檙e not: it鈥檚 just the saloon-bar bore syndrome
b) after Xmas tubby officials can鈥檛 keep up with the play
c) it鈥檚 all a question of parallax: when you鈥檙e close to the action your view
is distorted
4 Professional cricketers can hoist a ball travelling at 145 kilometres per
hour straight back over the bowler鈥檚 head. What鈥檚 the trick?
a) they watch the ball like a hawk, all the way onto the bat
b) they glare at the bowlers to put them off
c) they blink as they hit the ball
5 Why is that French homing pigeons have recently had less trouble finding
their way home?
a) the end of the hunting season means that 20 per cent more pigeons
survive
b) now that Concorde has stopped flying the plane鈥檚 shock waves no longer
disturb the pigeons鈥� navigation
c) there鈥檚 been a sharp increase in the number of birds of prey being
poisoned
Miscellany
6 A giant bird, Bullockornis planei, terrorised Australia 15 million
years ago. Its relatives dined on your ancestors. But which of its relatives are
you most likely to eat?
a) a duck
b) a turkey
c) an ostrich
7 With all this wet weather that we鈥檝e been having it鈥檚 no wonder your joints
are feeling a bit rheumaticky. What鈥檚 the best remedy?
a) drinking half a litre of wine every day
b) a daily dose of cod liver oil works wonders
c) a daily rub with a stinging nettle
8 Fishing quotas continue to be desperately unpopular. So what did fishermen
do this year to get round them?
a) they joined the people鈥檚 fuel protest and in convoy sailed up the River
Thames
b) they threatened to boycott London鈥檚 Millennium Dome鈥攁long with the
rest of the country
c) they took some rare giant tortoises hostage in the Galapagos
9 From pop festivals to theatreland, women always have to endure
disproportionately long queues for the loo. Choose one explanation:
a) women spend more than twice as long in the loo
b) it鈥檚 all to do with queueing theory鈥攖he length of the queue goes up
with the square of the time taken
c) men never wash their hands鈥攚hich is why the peanuts on the bar have
traces of urine on them
Answers
How you scored: Give yourself 10 points for each correct answer and deduct 10
for every wrong answer. The maximum possible score is 100, but given the number
of answers that could have lost you points, if you scored anything more than
zero you can finish off that half a litre of wine.
1 (b). 2 (a) and (c). 3 (c). 4 (c). 5 (b). 6 (a). 7 (c). 8 (c). 9 (a) or (b).