THE WORLD of music recently suffered a loss, which could, just possibly, be
science鈥檚 gain. Bass player Vanessa left New-York based band Mindless Self
Indulgence鈥攖o become an astronaut, they say at
www.mindlessselfindulgence.com.
If you feel like balancing the flow by migrating in the opposite direction,
you鈥檒l need to fit the requirements: just playing a four-string guitar won鈥檛 do.
The band manages to overturn most preconceptions by specifying: 鈥淒ruggies and
men in drag need not apply cuz we got class鈥�.
As a consolation to the disqualified, they offer the online 鈥淢indless-O-Matic
song maker鈥�, a multiple-choice lyric machine. For example, complete the line
鈥渙oohhh [blank] yeah yeah yeah鈥� from the list 鈥渮ygote, fetus, embryo, baby鈥�.
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ANOTHER gem of personal-safety advertising plops onto the Feedback desk. 鈥淢PC
Mobile Protection Chip helps to protect you from the harmful effects of
electromagnetic fields created by mobile phones. . .鈥� announces a smartly
produced brochure, complete with pictures, captioned 鈥淧olycontrast Interference
Photography shows how MPC protects you鈥�. Frame one: man, smiling, rendered in
鈥減osterised鈥� contours of bilious colours. Frame two: man using cellphone,
frowning, in same range of lemon, lilac and green but with a nasty black speckly
cloud over his head. Three: as one but using a mobile with鈥攜ou
guessed鈥擬PC. And, lo! No black cloud.
This looks to Feedback suspiciously like what happens when a computerised
photo-illustrator gets bored and applies the 鈥減sychedelic鈥� effects filter in a
program like Corel Photo-Paint. The filter, in turn, is rather likely to be
something that happened when the programmers got bored and a bit silly.
But what marvellous technology claims to remove the black cloud over your
head? The clue is in the biography: 鈥淢ichael Poynder. . . invented MPC as a
result of over forty years experience of working with gemstones and crystals and
twenty years. . . alleviating geopathic and personal stress.鈥� So it鈥檚 official.
Crystal healing is so last century. They鈥檙e 鈥渃hips鈥� now. And they 鈥渁lign the
para and diamagnetic fields鈥�, which would be an achievement if it made sense.
But, rest assured, they鈥檙e still 鈥渘atural鈥�.
MORE CONFUSION about them chemical thingies. Katriona Stitt found this on the
back of a packet of Taylors of Harrogate 鈥渉alf-caff鈥� coffee.
鈥淚t鈥檚 the perfect compromise. . . great tasting coffee, but with only half
the caffeine so you and your friends can enjoy it all day long. And don鈥檛 worry,
it鈥檚 decaffeinated with carbon dioxide and not chemicals.鈥�
PRODUCT information gets more and more esoteric. Douglas Benford tells us he
bought a confectionary drink in Devon. It came in a small plastic bottle with
the recycle symbol on it. The liquid was green and it was called Chupol.
It was, it said on the bottle, a 鈥渞efreshing drink aromatised with sugar and
edulcorants鈥�. The ingredients included 鈥渁cidulants, antioxidants, colourants and
鈥渁uthorised aromas鈥�. And, most important of all, the drink contained 鈥渁
fenilalanina鈥檚 font鈥�.
So now you know.
WITH GREAT patience, colleagues sat Feedback down and explained how it may
make 鈥渓ogical鈥� sense that a 500-gram bottle of tomato ketchup can 鈥渃ontain鈥� 600
grams of tomato. This seems to be the sense of the word 鈥渓ogical鈥� favoured by
computer programmers, meaning the opposite of 鈥渁ctually observable鈥�. But it sort
of works. The water went thataway.
Feedback is still puzzled, though, by the packet of Cypriot smoked sausage
with wine, found gently festering in the in-tray. 鈥淚ngredients: Pork, spices,
wine, salt, phosphate, E-numbers. . . not less than 100 per cent meat.鈥�
Apparently they were quite tasty, and caused no serious conservation-of-mass
effects after all.
IF THAT鈥橲 not enough variety in your diet, try the mayonnaise bought by
Richard Bartosiewicz of Missouri. 鈥淐onvenient shatterproof jar鈥� declares the
safety seal on the top. 鈥淢akes a great salad鈥�.
Mmm. Crunchy. And one less thing to take to the recycling depot.
EVEN WILDER variety is offered by the 鈥減loughman鈥檚 lunch鈥� that John Cossham
bought at Warwick Castle in the summer. Its printed ingredients, he says,
included a generous portion of 鈥渋hfgfkhtfth鈥�. By eliminating bread and pickle,
the other ingredients of this traditional English fare invented by an
advertising executive in the 1960s, John deduces that this is a variety of
cheese. But how on earth, he asks, can the makers be certain that they included
exactly 22.12 per cent ihfgfkhtfth?
Feedback should record that John was at the time attending a Festival of
Fools as Jester Jiggleshanks. So you may want to take all this with a pinch of
chemical-free sodium chloride.
CARE INSTRUCTIONS attached to Ikea鈥檚 coconut-fibre doormat advise you neither
to dry-clean nor to iron the product.
READER John Munday is a community pharmacist in Yorkshire. The other day he
received a veterinary prescription from a local hedgehog sanctuary for a large
quantity of a systemic antifungal suspension used to treat ringworm.
He was discussing how to get the bottles to the customer when he noticed the
dosage directions on the prescription. It read 鈥�2 ml daily per 500-kilogram
bodyweight鈥� instead of 鈥�2 ml daily per 500-gram bodyweight鈥�.
He says there was no way he was going to even contemplate delivering to this
sanctuary if they had 500-kilogram hedgehogs roaming about.
YOU CAN never be too careful about what people post on the Web, so it鈥檚
understandable that the renowned search engine Google prints this disclaimer
above all its cached pages: 鈥淕oogle is not affiliated with the authors of this
page nor responsible for its content.鈥�
They are so cautious, they even deny responsibility for their own pages. You
can witness them disown themselves at
www.google.com/search?q=cache:www.google.com/+&hl=en