ÐÓ°ÉÔ­´´

IN A year that was somewhat short on laughs, global warming claimed its first
victim. The inhabitants of the low-lying Pacific islands of Tuvalu are being
forced to find a new home because of rising sea levels. So toodle-oo,
Tuvalu.

The fate of Tuvalu shouldn’t trouble George W. Bush, who refused to sign the
Kyoto Protocol this year. After all, it makes the world’s geography just that
bit easier to learn. Maybe he’ll start to worry when the damp starts rising in
parts of Florida and Texas. So that’ll be goodbye, Galveston, then.

In Britain, an outbreak of foot and mouth delayed the general election, that
quinquennial event that by tradition takes place every four years. The high
point of the election campaign was the pugilistic Deputy Prime Minister John
Prescott going to the country and handing out a few jabs—which is
something the vets at the old Ministry of Agriculture, Fisheries and Food could
never be accused of.

But enough of this serious stuff, it’s time for that haven of trivia, the
Christmas Quiz. Just nine questions—and all the stories were in this
year’s New ÐÓ°ÉÔ­´´.

Boozy beginnings

1 What new use was found for beer that’s past its drink-by date?

a) perking up the bacteria that clean up mine waste

b) cleaning Bronze Age artefacts—the high acidity of stale beer makes
it ideal for the job

c) not sure, but it sounds like the stuff you had at the office party

2 Wine writers might talk about a red wine smelling of cherries. What are
they really talking about?

a) the fruity nose of a particularly fine red burgundy

b) a rather old claret that’s just on the point of turning

c) it’s all rubbish. They’re describing the colour, not the smell

Cuddly creatures

3 How do the bamboo-nesting ants Cataulacus muticus keep their nests
dry in tropical rainstorms?

a) they cut the leaves of the rambutan tree and take them back to their nests
to make an umbrella

b) they siphon out the water with hollow grasses

c) they sit on the rim of the nest, drink the water and pee it out over the
side

4 What has saved thousands of cute white harp-seal pups on the coast of
Newfoundland from the annual cull?

a) global warming has thinned the ice, making it too treacherous for hunters
to venture out on

b) perfect fake furs made in Latvia have flooded the market, making the hunt
uneconomic

c) Viagra has caused a droop in the demand for seal penises, which are a
traditional Chinese aphrodisiac

Sporting chance

5 After the usual seasonal overindulgence, a round of golf might provide some
much-needed exercise. But what will help you raise your game?

a) nothing. But a fairer way of calculating your handicap would help you win
more rounds

b) a tee that automatically steers your ball down the centre of the
fairway

c) a wide-brimmed hat, because it steadies your head as you swing, helping
you to keep your eye on the ball

War, peace ‘n’ drugs

6 Transport yourself back in time to 1970s Berlin. You are being followed by
a man in a long black leather overcoat. How would you know if he was a Stasi
agent?

a) his left armpit is vibrating

b) there’s a low-frequency hum coming from the heel of his shoe

c) he’s still wearing his sunglasses as night falls

7 The Pentagon is searching for a stink bomb that will help break up unruly
demonstrations or even flush terrorists out of caves. What is the leading
candidate for the world’s worst smell?

a) Proprietary Vomit Odor

b) US Government Standard Bathroom Malodor

c) the concentrated sulphurous fumes of rotten eggs

8 In the 19th century, London’s East End was notorious for its opium dens.
But where did the capital get much of its supply?

a) from warlords on the North-West Frontier

b) from the farmers of Mitcham, South Australia

c) from the lavender growers of Mitcham, Surrey

9 Venice has had that sinking feeling for several centuries. To find out how
severely the city is threatened by today’s sea level, scientists need to know
how fast it has been sinking in the past. But records only go back to 1872, so
how have researchers managed to piece together a record of this historic
decline?

a) the lateral penetration of damp in the basement of the Palazzo Pisani on
the Grand Canal is directly correlated with the historic rise in sea level

b) the 18th-century paintings of Canaletto were so accurate he recorded the
green slime left by the tide

c) stone deteriorates more quickly under water, so researchers have deduced
the decline from erosion damage to the foundations of the Rialto bridge

* * *

How you scored:

Give yourself 10 points for each correct answer and deduct 10
for every wrong one. The maximum score possible is 90, but given the number of
answers that could lose you points, anything above zero is a good excuse to
examine that glass of red wine more thoroughly.

Answers: 1 (a). 2 (c). 3 (c). 4 (c). 5 (b). 6 (a). 7 (b). 8 (c). 9 (b).