READERS Martin and Stephanie Burton had a disagreement about measurements when they were decorating their house. They wanted to put up a dado rail in their living room, so Stephanie measured up the space in feet and inches. But Martin pointed out that even in Britain 鈥渆verything comes in metric these days鈥�, so she measured it all again in centimetres.
When Stephanie got to the builder鈥檚 merchant, she asked for the length of wood and was promptly asked: 鈥淲hat鈥檚 that in feet and inches?鈥� Luckily there was a calculator in the office, but they handed it to Stephanie because she was the only one who knew that 1 inch equals approximately 2.5 centimetres.
Hoping she鈥檇 got the right amount of wood, she took it to the checkout, paid, and took the bill. It read: 鈥淭hank you for your custom. 2 脳 12ft dado rails 拢1.72 per metre. Please call again.鈥�
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INSTRUCTIONS for the Russell Hobbs coffee machine belonging to reader Luke Driscoll insist: 鈥渄o not open when under pressure鈥�. He wonders how he鈥檚 supposed to get through stressful periods if he can鈥檛 have a cup of coffee when he most needs it.
WHAT IS IT about water that makes the people who sell it talk incomprehensible balderdash? Following our story about Kabbalah spring water (Feedback, 25 May), PhD students Amanda Thomson, Jo Thomas and Helen Shaw alerted us to the existence of Primordial M-Water ().
鈥淧rimordial M-WaterTM鈥�, the suppliers tell us, 鈥渋s a Perfect Living Water concentrate that is imbued with super coherent life supporting primordial vibration and energy as well as super coherent molecular clustering.鈥�
And that鈥檚 not all. From the section of the site entitled 鈥淎dvanced Scientific Understanding鈥� we learn: 鈥淭he M-Water Activation TechnologyTM involves re-patterning water with platonic solid inversion geometry in motion, which is a super coherent duplication of how water is transformed by the forces of nature under ideal conditions in the environment鈥ero point is reached within the context of an ongoing pulsating sequence of vortexes via M-Water Activation TechnologyTM in order to tap into the expression of life supporting vibration and energy and the clustering of the water molecule.鈥�
Sadly, our scientific understanding isn鈥檛 advanced enough to grasp what this is supposed to convey. Can anyone translate? On second thoughts, don鈥檛 bother.
ON THE bottom of the battery-powered die-cast Percy Number 6 Engine belonging to reader Phil Thompson鈥檚 son, there鈥檚 a warning: 鈥淓ntanglement Possible鈥�.
Thompson wonders what the consequences of entanglement would be, should this quantum phenomenon occur. Could it mean, for example, that, if his son decides to throw Percy across the room (an event that he says is highly likely), the entangled locomotive counterpart in the possession of some unknown child will simultaneously launch itself on the same trajectory, possibly causing a serious injury? Who would be liable for damages? The manufacturer who did not take sufficient steps to ensure the trains were not susceptible to entanglement, or Thompson himself for allowing his son to manipulate an entangled train, despite the manufacturer鈥檚 warning?
READER Mark Ribbands informs us that staff at the Ketsarin Seafood restaurant in Thailand demonstrate remarkable precision in their working hours. He has sent us a photograph of the sign in front of the restaurant, which says: 鈥淥pen 11.19 am to 11.19 pm.鈥�
IF YOU live in a politically volatile country, be careful what you do with your IBM ThinkPad Port Replicator. The user guide tells you: 鈥淒o not connect or disconnect any cable or perform installation, maintenance, or reconfiguration of this product during an electoral storm.鈥�
WE ALL know there are some tall blokes in Australia, but aren鈥檛 the makers of Hard Yakka overalls assuming rather a lot? The back of the label containing information on ultraviolet protection ratings for the fabric includes this statement: 鈥淭he protection offered by this item may be lessened鈥t points where the fabric is in close contact with the Sun, as across the shoulders.鈥�
READER Colin Wilson was staying at the Dwi Putri Hotel on the Indonesian island of Flores recently. A sign behind the door of his room helpfully stated: 鈥淚n the event of fire stay in your room. A member of staff will arrive in the nick of time to extinguish the blaze.鈥�
Somehow, he wasn鈥檛 reassured.
ARE there people around who didn鈥檛 turn up on this planet in the usual way? The Radio Society of Great Britain evidently thinks so. One of the questions on its subscription renewal form is: 鈥淐ould we have your date of birth (if applicable)鈥�.
FINALLY, reader Jeremy Lowe was browsing in a branch of Waterstone鈥檚 bookshop when he happened across the popular psychology book Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus. It had been shelved in the astronomy section.