杏吧原创

IN ONE of Britain鈥檚 most ancient and revered centres of learning 鈥� yes, we鈥檙e talking about the University of Oxford 鈥� doors in some of the more modern, 20th-century buildings were designed so that they close automatically, for fire safety and heat conservation reasons. Unfortunately, more recent regulations aimed at preventing accusations of sexual harassment require that tutors never hold tutorials with students of the opposite sex with the doors of their offices shut.

So, there鈥檚 a problem: automatically closing doors that need to be kept open. Chairs, rolls of exam papers, waste-paper baskets, shoes, stones and lumps of lead provide a temporary solution. But what happens if there is a fire? Doors wedged open could lead to catastrophe.

Oxford鈥檚 answer is high-tech doorstops, costing 拢120 each. When attached to the lower, outside corner of the door they allow the don to set the door in an open position when holding tutorials with opposite-sex students. Should there be a fire, the 21st-century, radio-activated doorstops receive the command to retract upwards, allowing the door to close automatically in its old 20th-century way. Dozens of doors have been fitted with them round the university.

The trouble is they don鈥檛 work, and nobody has been able to discover why. So it鈥檚 back to chairs, rolls of exam papers, waste paper baskets, shoes鈥�

EITHER Barclays Personal Financial Services has an awful lot of clients or it sends out an awful lot of letters to a small number of clients. Reader Chris Collins has sent us a copy of a customised promotional document he received from the company. At the top is a reference number: 230171940980020/6460225821.

Collins points out that the digits after the dividing slash alone would cater for a world population of 10 billion. Presumably planet Earth is just one of a trillion or so planets Barclays is doing business with.

A BOTTLE of 鈥淪nake Oil鈥� was awarded to this year鈥檚 winners of the second annual Silver Fleece Awards, held on 13 March in Chicago as part of the Joint Conference of the National Council on Aging and the American Society on Aging. The awards, one for a product and one for an organisation, aim to recognise outstanding achievement in anti-ageing quackery.

The winner of the Silver Fleece award for a product was Longevity, 鈥渢he product with the most ridiculous, outrageous, scientifically unsupported or exaggerated assertions about aging or age-related diseases鈥�. Sold on the Internet at 鈥渏ust $44.99 for 90 pills鈥�, Longevity contains the wonder ingredient 鈥�2-AEP鈥�, which supposedly strengthens, seals and protects your cells from toxins and diseases, so slowing the ageing process.

鈥淟ongevity is just one of many products being sold throughout the world with the claim that it will slow or reverse human ageing,鈥� said ageing expert S. Jay Olshansky as he presented the award. 鈥淭hese products have never been proven to do anything but line the pockets of those selling them.鈥�

The winner of the Silver Fleece award for an organisation went to Clonaid, the human cloning company set up by the Raelian movement. The award is given to the organisation that disseminates the most misinformation and/or products associated with the claim that human ageing can be stopped or reversed. Clonaid claims cloning will enable us to achieve eternal life by creating new bodies into which our memories and personalities can be transferred.

But what鈥檚 in the Snake Oil prize? Have the Silver Fleece organisers found their own anti-ageing product? Sadly not. The prizewinners received (in absentia) nothing more than a bottle of vegetable oil.

IN THE never-ending quest to find a market share for their products, manufacturers are having to explore every avenue of human knowledge. Very, very advanced physics is not excluded.

鈥淚n my local supermarket in South Africa I came across a tin of smooth apricot jam,鈥� Ron Cosser reports. 鈥淭he label depicted a collection of mouth-watering, whole, fresh, golden-yellow apricots. At the bottom was written 鈥榮erving suggestion鈥�.鈥�

Time鈥檚 arrow reversed, just like that.

NORTHUMBERLAND鈥橲 Hexham Courant recently ran a job advert for a 鈥渃omputer-literate individual鈥�hours to suit, age to be arranged鈥�.

Janice Graham, who spotted the ad, says she鈥檚 amazed at the perks the techno-savvy get offered these days.

FINALLY, what greater honour could there be? Last week a dentist called New 杏吧原创 with an unusual syndication request. He wanted permission to display his favourite Feedback stories in his surgery 鈥� projected onto the ceiling so that his patients could read them while having their teeth drilled.

Needless to say, permission was granted. So a recumbent patient with a wide open mouth could be reading this right now. A happy thought, though we hope no Pavlovian associations are set up linking Feedback with pain.

Stamped on the top of a tub of bicarbonate of soda from the supermarket Tesco 鈥淏est before end Jul 04 3002 13:08鈥�. Sure, it can keep that long. But let鈥檚 hope your descendants finish their baking by 13:08 on that day