THIS column periodically publishes absurd product warnings spotted by our ever-vigilant readers. So we have a certain sense of fellow feeling with a group called the Michigan Lawsuit Abuse Watch, which runs an annual competition for the 鈥渨ackiest consumer warning label of the year鈥�.
This year鈥檚 $500 first prize, announced earlier this month, went to Ed Gyetvai of Oldcastle, Ontario, who submitted a label on a toilet brush reading 鈥淒o not use for personal hygiene鈥�. A $250 second prize went to Matt Johnson of Naperville, Illinois, for a label on a child鈥檚 scooter that said, 鈥淭his product moves when used.鈥�
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Previous winners include a label on a baby鈥檚 buggy advising 鈥淩emove child before folding鈥�, a brass fishing lure with a three-pronged hook on the end that warns 鈥淗armful if swallowed鈥�, a warning on a carpenter鈥檚 electric drill stating 鈥淭his product not intended for use as a dental drill鈥�, a 30-centimetre CD rack that orders 鈥淒o not use as a ladder鈥�, and a warning on a pair of cyclist鈥檚 shin guards saying 鈥淪hin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover鈥�.
Michigan Lawsuit Abuse Watch has the serious aim of exposing the burgeoning litigation culture. 鈥淔rivolous lawsuits, and concern about frivolous lawsuits,鈥� its website states, 鈥渉ave led to a new cultural phenomenon: the wacky warning label.鈥�
ACCORDING to London-based tabloid The Sun, the quake that caused last month鈥檚 Indian Ocean tsunami had other effects too. 鈥淭he quake has also changed the angle of the Earth鈥檚 axis. Among the changes is the North Pole moving south by an inch,鈥� it proclaimed on 11 January. Josh Phillips, who spotted this, wants to know if there is another direction it could have moved.
NASA publishes an Astronomy Picture of the Day, and Mark Fletcher noticed that the one it released for 7 December 2004 featured a view out to sea from the Australian coast. Why is that astronomical, he wondered.
But as those who visit can see, a dark diagonal line crosses the photo, apparently starting in the clouds at the top left and ending in a flash near a lamp post at the bottom right 鈥� and no one knew what had made it.
An impressive exercise in collaborative deduction ensued, in which only a few of the 2072 messages posted over the following month suggested UFOs, or made sarcastic counter-claims of 鈥渕ass hysteria鈥�. The near-straightness of the line led many to the astute thought that whatever it was moved very, very fast.
More delving ensued. Someone performed a Fourier analysis to extract the frequencies of barely perceptible wiggles in the line. In a moment of inspiration, someone else tore themselves from their computer to perform an actual experiment. By gluing a dead bee to the rim of a bicycle wheel and photographing it as it spun, the experimenter succeeded in replicating the slight wigglicity of the line.
Thus a consensus was reached: the line was formed by a bug flying just in front of the lens 鈥� possibly the most discussed bug in history.
Isn鈥檛 science wonderful?
A NOTORIOUSLY violent computer game does have some redeeming social use after all, as a grandmother in Santa Fe, Texas, and her three grandsons have learned. The boys were playing Grand Theft Auto when a four-man gang of robbers broke into the house and pointed a gun at one of the boys.
The game continued running untended on the PlayStation as the intruders went about their business, until a warning ripped through the air: 鈥淪top! We have you surrounded. This is the police.鈥� The gang panicked and ran.
Unknown to them, the game was programmed to play such messages at random though its speakers. And although the police that the burglars thought had surrounded them were merely figments of the game鈥檚 digital imagination, the real police soon picked up the gang and hauled them away.
SEVERAL readers have alerted us to a butter dish offer recently advertised in the UK on the packaging of Lurpak鈥檚 鈥渟preadable鈥� butter. The ad reads: 鈥淟imited Edition Lurpak Spreadable Dish鈥�.
A picture of the dish is accompanied by the text: 鈥淥ffer closes 20/1/05. Image is for visual purposes only.鈥�
Alison Francis asks: 鈥淲hat other purpose would one have an image for 鈥� oral?鈥� She also notes that the technology behind spreadable dishes must be revolutionary, and wonders if we will soon see it extended to items such as spreadable mobile phones or furniture.
鈥淗ow appropriate that an eminent lecturer in communications research at Monash University in Australia is called Dr Yell鈥�
INTERTOURSERVICE in the former Soviet republic of Kyrgyzstan offers entomological tours anywhere in the country you choose to go, complete with guides, interpreter and transport. 鈥淪o we invite you to make fascination trip,鈥� the promotional blurb concludes, 鈥渁nd catch with your own hands any insect you are interesting in or other collectors of insects who are known to you.鈥� Sounds great fun.
FINALLY, Gail Davies feels sorry for the dusting mitt she bought recently. 鈥淭he OatesClean (TM) Enviro Dusting Mitt is so effective, it picks up more common allergies than alternative cleaning methods,鈥� the packaging told her. Poor little mitt.