THE county of Norfolk in eastern England is noted, in Noel Coward鈥檚 words, for being 鈥渧ery flat鈥�. But could it really be the hottest place in the world too? When James Brown tried out Microsoft鈥檚 new search engine, MSN Search, earlier this month, he was intrigued by the claim that by using information in Microsoft鈥檚 Encarta encyclopedia it could answer questions as well as search by keywords. So, after confirming that the normal human body temperature is 37 掳C and that Ouagadougou is still the capital of Burkina Faso, he asked it to tell him the 鈥渉ottest place in the world鈥�.
The first item gave him in response to this was another world, 鈥淰enus (planet)鈥�. This was followed by two plants, 鈥減omegranate鈥� and 鈥渃amellia鈥�, and then a genus of birds, 鈥�Anhinga鈥�. The fifth item was finally something that actually was a place and was in this world: 鈥淣orfolk (county, England)鈥�. 鈥淣orfolk,鈥� it went on to explain helpfully, 鈥渋s particularly famous for turkey and geese.鈥�
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Brown, who happens to live in Norfolk, acknowledges that the winter has been very mild and the daffodils are coming out unusually early this year, but is thinking that perhaps he should replant his garden with sagebrush and cactus. And he looks forward to camels grazing in the field next to his house instead of the geese for which Norfolk is indeed famous 鈥� about the only thing that MSN Search got right.
鈥淚f you do a Google search for 鈥渇ree CDs鈥�, one of the results that appears is an advertisement that reads: 鈥淔ree CDs. Huge selection of free CDs in stock at discount prices!鈥濃��
WE have believed for some time now that the music industry has been wasting its time and money on the new 鈥渟uper hi-fi鈥� disc systems DVD-Audio and Super Audio CD. However good they may be, most music lovers are perfectly happy with the already super sound of CD and ordinary DVD. And the record companies have hardly done themselves any favours by promoting the new discs as being harder to copy.
So it was with special pleasure that we read a press release from Japanese hi-fi company Denon: 鈥淭he Denon DVD-1910 DVD Player eschews SACD & DVD-A,鈥� writes the company鈥檚 spokesman. 鈥淚n a practical move designed to benefit the average user, the 1910 deliberately does NOT have unnecessary SACD or DVD-A circuitry. These formats are being totally ignored by general consumers and at this price point their inclusion is a waste of time and money.鈥�
When it does because it doesn鈥檛
BACK in the 25 December 2004 issue, we reported on Mark Hodson鈥檚 belief that he had come across the only example of a recursive malapropism, when a colleague who found herself supernumerary to a task commented 鈥淚 think I鈥檓 erroneous here鈥� 鈥� which she wasn鈥檛 until she said it, but then she was, so she wasn鈥檛.
Nobody has yet been able to supply another example of this that meets the full criteria, but we still like the one sent in by Mark Appleby, even though no malapropism is involved. His partner, he says, complaining about their vacuum cleaner鈥檚 woefully limited ability to pick up dust, commented, 鈥淭his vacuum cleaner really sucks.鈥� Which, Appleby points out, it did, because it didn鈥檛. So it did.
EMAILS with truncated subject lines continue to bemuse readers. Peter Bleackley got one saying: 鈥淔luconazole is an azole antifungal used to treat or prevent fun.鈥� Could this be useful for puritans with athlete鈥檚 foot, he wondered. Meanwhile, Tom Baring wondered if the spammers had turned soft when he received one saying: 鈥淗ave you ever wanted to impress your girl with a hug鈥︹�� He realised they hadn鈥檛 when he read the rest of the subject line, but we鈥檒l leave it to you to guess what that said.
JOHN Wooller had to ring his bank to give his new address. When he got through, he was treated by way of on-hold music to a Ronan Keating song with a chorus that goes: 鈥淵ou say it best when you say nothing at all.鈥� Whereupon the line went dead before he had been connected to anybody. Just a coincidence, of course.
DUNCAN Simpson is amazed at what you can find on these days 鈥� like packs of 12,000 eggs of the parasitic Trichogramma pretiosum wasp for biological control of garden pests: 鈥�Trichogramma wasps are tiny parasites that attack the eggs of over 200 species of moths and caterpillars,鈥� Amazon explains. 鈥淭hey are extremely small.鈥�
Along with this surprising product Amazon gives us some surprising comments from customer reviewers, including a recipe for a T. pretiosum omelette. It begins: 鈥淐arefully crack 12,000 Trichogramma pretiosum eggs into pan over medium heat鈥︹�� Apparently, 19 out of 28 people who read this review found it 鈥渦seful鈥�.
FINALLY, the walls of London鈥檚 underground stations were plastered not so long ago with ads for a horror movie declaring, 鈥淭hirteen ghosts. Terror has multiplied.鈥� Greg Roughan tells us how much he regrets not decorating them with graffiti saying: 鈥淢ultiplied by what, dumb-ass? Thirteen is a prime number.鈥�