WHAT would you think if you found someone in possession of the following list: 鈥淢ow lawn; do laundry; buy groceries; clean gutters; do homework; trim trees; mail anthrax; pick up dry-cleaning鈥�?
Doran Amos has this list. Doran Amos is not a suburban teenage terrorist. We definitely believe this reader should not be subject to 鈥渆xtraordinary rendition鈥�, nor made to wear orange.
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Amos鈥檚 story, and he is sticking to it, is that he was just trying out the experimental 鈥淪ets鈥� program at . Type in a few words or phrases, such as 鈥渕ow lawn鈥�, 鈥渂uy groceries鈥� and 鈥渄o laundry鈥�, and it tries to create a list of other related words by checking its vast database for words that go together on web pages.
The program is not very good at culturally specific lists: feeling peckish in London, we typed in 鈥渇ish鈥� and 鈥渃hips鈥� and got 鈥渟ausage, beer, bread鈥� and so on鈥� and when, given the German flavour of that response, we tried 鈥淲urst鈥� and 鈥淏ier鈥�, we got a list including 鈥淲intersport鈥� and 鈥淏austoffe鈥� 鈥� building materials.
But it does seem to be rather good at the international language of physics: 鈥渂oson, lepton鈥� produces 鈥渂aryon, gluon, fermion鈥� and so on. But how do 鈥淜yoto鈥� and 鈥淏ush鈥� go with 鈥淣irvana鈥�?
鈥淎t London鈥檚 Heathrow Airport, Tom Nielsen-Marsh saw a sign in the front window of a police car saying: 鈥淓xplosive police dog鈥�. Presumably its bang is worse than its bite鈥�
And, yes, when we tried 鈥渕ow lawn, do laundry, buy groceries鈥�, we got the same list as Amos did. We vividly picture alarm bells going off at the National Security Agency as soon as this item gets onto our IT network. Please, nice Mister Spook, it wasn鈥檛 us. It was the computer. It was the web. Honest.
HAVE you ever had a bright idea that you thought would make a great book or movie, but you lacked the time or energy to sit down and do all the tedious storytelling? Why not patent the idea instead, says Andrew Knight, a registered patent agent based in Washington DC.
As any movie fan can testify, there are only a limited number of storylines around, and Hollywood continually recycles them with minor variations. Patent the plots, and you can make film-makers pay you megabucks in royalties.
Knight鈥檚 website () says that he has 鈥渃onceived of a variety of unique fictional storylines鈥�. But instead of pounding the keyboard for endless hours to create the great American screenplay, he has turned his ideas into patent applications.
Knight concedes that the courts have yet to approve the concept, but he reckons it鈥檚 only a matter of time. He recommends filing your own applications early 鈥渂efore the Federal Circuit approves storyline patents and the floodgates open鈥�.
We are already at work on a patent application for a story in which an attorney files patents on storylines, and look forward to a comfortable retirement on the French Riviera when Hollywood buys the rights.
THE online newsletter of Fitness First Australia has a section on 鈥淭he secret life of enzymes鈥� which states: 鈥淓nzymes are essential for proper digestion. Without them you are not able to digest your food properly. It simply takes too long, and your body eliminates the food before you have received the benefit of any of the food鈥檚 nutrition.鈥�
What follows took Keith Lapidge by surprise: 鈥淭he body produces most of its enzymes first thing in the morning, as the sun comes up. It continues producing enzymes through the noon hour as the sun peaks and stops producing enzymes around 6.30 pm, as the sun sets. So, for most effective digestion and nutritional absorption, it is essential to eat a big breakfast, preferably early in the morning, when your enzyme production is at its maximum. It is best to eat your big meal at lunch, when you are still producing adequate enzymes, and to eat a smaller dinner, preferably before 6.30 pm, when your body stops producing enzymes.鈥�
This startling revelation has given Lapidge a brilliant idea for a book, which he will call The Sunset Diet or, perhaps, The Nocturnal Diet. All it will recommend is that people who don鈥檛 want to put on weight eat as little as possible during the day and as much as they like at night, when, if Fitness First is to be believed, everything they eat will simply be eliminated before it can make them fat. Lapidge believes this idea will make him rich.
Tongue-twisting circumlocution
FROM the department of technobabble: a member of John Hastings鈥檚 family has been prescribed an oral analgesic, fentanyl, in a form which the manufacturers, Cephalon, describe as a 鈥渃ompressed lozenge with integral oromucosal applicator鈥�. When you open the packet, Hastings tells us, it鈥檚 a lollipop.
FINALLY, Giovanni Barbieri can鈥檛 resist telling us that the professor in probability and statistics at the California Polytechnic State University in San Luis Obispo is called Doctor Chance.