HERE is a piece of research of potentially great significance. It began when Jeff Lander was having dinner at his sister鈥檚 home. She had gone back into the kitchen to microwave the pudding. Then she shouted out: 鈥淲hat time do I cook it for? The package says 3 minutes for a 650-watt machine and 2 minutes 30 seconds for a 750-watt machine, but mine is 850 watts.鈥�
Her son immediately shouted back 鈥�2 minutes鈥�, to which Lander replied: 鈥淏ut you are assuming that there is a direct relationship.鈥� However, by this time, Lander says, the family鈥檚 brains were sufficiently befuddled with alcohol for nobody to grapple with the mathematical conundrum.
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Thinking about it later, Lander realised that if there were a linear relationship between cooking time and microwave power then in this example the cooking time reduces to zero for a 1250-watt machine, while a more powerful one would give negative cooking times. At first he shrugged off the implications of this 鈥� until he checked in his freezer and found a packaged meal that had the following microwave instructions: 鈥�650-watt 鈥� 6 minutes; 750-watt 鈥� 5 minutes; 850-watt 鈥� 4 minutes.鈥�
鈥淥n the replacement cartridge for Neil Schwartz鈥檚 Hewlett Packard deskjet printer, measuring 9 by 6.5 centimetres and encased in hard plastic, are the words 鈥淗armful if swallowed鈥濃��
Lander now had three data points and, it seemed, indisputable proof of a direct relationship 鈥� and, once again, a cooking time of zero for a 1250-watt machine. With mounting excitement, he realised that the 1250-watt microwave oven is the answer to the world鈥檚 energy crisis. What鈥檚 more, above 1250 watts the microwave must become a type of time machine鈥�
Unless readers can point to the deliberate error in the logic of his story.
WE feel a strong sense of compassion for the authors of US patent application 20030004652, which has been unearthed by Greg Aharonian in his indispensable Internet Patent News Service. To our knowledge, no other patent filers have been so disarmingly frank about the fact that their invention might not be all it鈥檚 cracked up to be.
The application for a patent for 鈥淪ystems and methods for monitoring behaviour informatics鈥� reads as follows: 鈥淎 system and method used to assess animal behaviour includes a module having sensors that collects a variety of physical and biological data from a test subject. Interpretation of the data is provided to assess the test subject鈥檚 behaviour, neurology, biochemistry and physiology. The module is useful in observing the effects of a drug on the test animal and providing information on the drug鈥檚 signature. Another advantage is the module鈥檚 portability that allows it to be used in standard laboratory cages. (NOT SURE ABOUT THIS PORTABILITY.) This portability allows the animal to be tested in its own habitat, that can reduce any erroneous data due to stressing the animal when removed to a test cage鈥︹��
To use an expression that was popular in London not so long ago: bless!
A RECENT item in Countryside Focus, published by the UK Countryside Agency, gets two Feedback award nominations: one for worst pun of the week, and one for most inappropriate use of a unit of comparison.
Gerald Legg draws our attention to the piece entitled 鈥淔aecing up to the facts鈥� (ouch!) in which we are told: 鈥淎bout 9.5 tonnes of faeces are deposited in the New Forest each day by the 25,000 dogs that are walked there. That鈥檚 the equivalent of 3500 tonnes a year 鈥� the same weight as 240 double-decker buses.鈥�
LUCKY enough to fly with Estonian Air, Alan Trussler dipped into its in-flight magazine In Time. Here he found that for 8 euros he could buy a Love-stone with a very special quality: 鈥淟ove-stone may seem at a glance like ordinary, lifeless 64-billion-years-old piece,鈥� he was told. 鈥淔irst impressions are illusive. The experts know that Love-stone close to heart makes it possible to hear its heart-beat.鈥�
Considering that it is some 50 billion years older than the rest of the universe, we鈥檙e surprised there aren鈥檛 quite a few other amazing things it can do.
ANDREW HURBLATT was understandably alarmed when his computer came up with an error message saying 鈥淐atastrophic failure鈥�. He nervously clicked 鈥淥K鈥� 鈥� and everything continued as normal. Hey ho, that鈥檚 computers for you.
FINALLY, one from the department of the (literally) blindingly obvious: a paper in The Journal of Physiology entitled 鈥淰isual guidance of the foot during a step鈥� by Raymond Reynolds and Brian Day (vol 569, p 677). 鈥淰isual information enables walkers to adjust their step while their foot is in mid-swing,鈥� the press release tells us. 鈥淪uch fine control helps particularly when walking over rough terrain.鈥�
Indeed. Or to put it another way: if you walk around with your eyes shut you are more likely to fall over.