THE following is an announcement by Idan Ben-Barak, who signs himself as president of InMyTimeCorp. He has requested space for it to appear in this magazine.
鈥淚 read in the newspaper some days ago about a prominent politician who was accused of something or other but had managed by various legal manoeuvres to, as the paper put it, 鈥榖uy himself some time鈥�. Now, being an acute businessman, I immediately saw how the private sector might benefit from such measures. Discreet inquiries led me to the global distributing authority (located, as it turned out, in Greenwich) from whom, after some negotiation, I purchased some time 鈥� specifically, next Thursday. I also bid successfully for the exclusive rights to 1952 (a very good year, which I hope to put back into circulation shortly) and, as an afterthought, bought my dear wife a present.
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鈥淚 would like to take this opportunity to notify anybody who intends to be passing through next Thursday that it will now necessitate a small charge, as befits private property. 鈥楧ay-Passes鈥� are currently going for the quite reasonable sum of 拢5 per head, with concessions for numerous sectors (please enquire at your local retailer).
鈥淭hose who fail to obtain their passes will be apprehended and severely fined by my field staff. Serious offenders may not be allowed to make it through the day. Remember: physical location is immaterial. If you are in your house on my time, you are still obliged to pay.
鈥淚 urge every one of you to go out and be industrious and joyful on this day, the beginning of a new era in private initiative. If you stay at home sulking you will only be wasting my precious time.
鈥淭hank you for your time.鈥�
鈥淎 sign at Lynda Hopkins鈥檚 local multi-storey car park advises that it is open 鈥�24 hours鈥� from Monday to Sunday inclusive. It adds that there is a charge of 拢15 for releasing cars outside these hours鈥�
BACK on 19 November 2005 we ran an item about the 116 titles 鈥� Mr, Mrs, Leading Aircraftman, etc 鈥� that you can choose from a drop-down menu when submitting an electronic tax return in Australia. This represented a massive increase on the 57 titles available on the BUPA International website, and we felt sure it would not be beaten.
We were wrong. Gordon Duncan tells us that if you register with British Airways at , you can choose a title from a drop-down menu containing 203 possibilities, including exotic ones like Graaf, Jonkheer and Tan Sri Dato, not to mention Her Majesty and His Holiness. However, Duncan was disappointed not to see El Presidente, and there are probably other titles that British Airways has missed. Is there a website out there that can top the 203?
OUR report of a Dutch company trademarking 鈥渢he smell of fresh-cut grass鈥� (11 March) prompts Ian Wright to observe that that smell 鈥渋nstantly triggers my hay fever and asthma鈥�. Could he sue them for the inconvenience? Should he to talk to a no-win-no-fee lawyer?
WHY is the US mobile phone company Cingular Wireless trying to patent the use of emoticons? US patent application 20060015812 covers 鈥渁 method and system for generating a displayable icon or emoticon form that indicates the mood or emotion of a user of a mobile station鈥uch as a mobile phone鈥�. The idea seems to be pressing a key to insert an emoticon, or pick one displayed on the screen. But haven鈥檛 people been doing similar things all along with their emails and text messages?
THE day of the opinionated computer is getting closer. 鈥淰iews expressed in this email are those of the sender and not Tesco,鈥� reads the disclaimer at the foot of an email from the supermarket to Hamish Symington. Worrying, then, that the message declares at the top that it is an automatic acknowledgement of his query, so 鈥渢he sender鈥� is in fact a computer.
BILL MEASURE鈥橲 chiropodist recommended the use of aqueous cream to inhibit the formation of hard skin on the soles of his feet. On the jar he found this advice from the manufacturer: 鈥淎lways take the container of Aqueous Cream with you even if it is empty鈥�.
Measure is unsure whether his chiropodist has recommended a miracle product or a placebo. Is he in danger of getting drunk if he carries an empty bottle of alcohol? And could he save a couple of minutes in the morning by taking an empty tube of toothpaste to work with him?
FINALLY, the grip of bird flu spreads ever wider. 鈥淪hortages of goose feathers in China and tightened manufacturing regulations are pushing up prices of shuttlecocks, the feathered projectiles hit over the net in badminton,鈥� reports the Reuters news agency. 鈥淭he H5N1 epidemic has added to long-term concerns about the supply chain of feathers鈥︹��