JUST how World Cup obsessed are your friends and workmates? What would it be worth to prove to them that, yes, you were there when your national team scored that crucial goal?
Feedback has just received an email from plugging an offer to provide fake documentation of a World Cup trip. For just 拢99.99 you get ticket stubs, flight and coach details, a 鈥渧irtual phone number鈥� to field calls and a beer-stained shirt.
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Naive as we are, our first thought on receiving this was that fakealibi.com had reversed the normal flow of alibi. That, we assumed, would be to prove to your boss, who has unaccountably failed to understand the life-or-death nature of this sporting fixture, that you were, in fact, dutifully attending an ISO 9000 Quality Assurance Review Day in Swindon, UK 鈥� not painting your face in Dortmund, Germany.
But then we lifted our eyes from the bare text and noticed the slightly disturbing signature graphic on the site. It depicts a blonde person, oscillating sinusoidally on what appears to be a hotel bed. That, the site seems to imply, could be the reason why a person might want to pretend they were at the World Cup.
MANY are the pitfalls that await a scientist writing a job or funding application. They include knowing what previous jobs to pass over, divining how much to go on about making links with industry 鈥� and choosing the right typeface.
鈥淭he Adobe Updater must update itself before it can check for updates, it informs Richard Howland-Bolton. 鈥淲ould you like to update the Adobe Updater now?鈥�
You might think that all representations of the alphabet are equal. You would be wrong. You must understand, or at least accept, that there are whole professions 鈥� designers in particular 鈥� who are aroused to passionate fury by certain sets of characters.
For example, there are at least half a million web pages mentioning 鈥淐omic Sans鈥� and the word 鈥渒ill鈥�. John Davies draws our attention to 鈥� and its glum prediction, based on exponentially increasing usage, that by the year 2025 103 per cent of all text will be in the odious 鈥渨acky鈥� style.
Naughtily, Ban Comic Sans produces stickers bearing a photo of the font鈥檚 designer, Vincent Connare 鈥� who points out in response that it was designed for use only in, err, comics. In particular, it was commissioned for the ill-fated 鈥淢icrosoft Bob鈥� office assistant program 鈥� like the hated Microsoft paper clip, but even more annoying. Connare insists he dislikes inappropriate uses such as the 鈥淓nglish coach line鈥� (unnamed) that uses it 鈥減ainted on the side in half-metre lettering鈥�.
But鈥hy? Feelings run high when discussing this set of squiggles. A friend of Feedback鈥檚 points out that a menu in Comic Sans suggests jelly and custard (that would be Jello with Rich鈥檚 Whip Topping, transatlantically). As for the job application, even if you have just gained a PhD as a microbiologist, using Comic Sans would imply that your deepest ambition is to join Toys 鈥淩鈥� Us as a signwriter.
LONDON Underground has many faults, as its regular users will be aware. But credit where credit is due: it does on occasion make exceptionally accurate announcements, Noam Weingarten tells us. One morning last week, when Weingarten was getting the Circle Line from King鈥檚 Cross St Pancras, the announcer said that 鈥渢he next train will be at the platform in approximately a few minutes鈥�.
FOR a truly sick-making use of childish typography in rainbow hues 鈥� amazingly evocative of the multicoloured crank post that Feedback received in the days before email 鈥� go to , where you will also find some wonderful examples of what our lawyers prefer us to call 鈥渋maginative鈥� science.
鈥淣ow you can WEAR rather than swallow your vitamins, minerals and nutrients,鈥� it proclaims. Yes, two Tri-Vib wrist or ankle bracelets that last five years cost just $225! A snip, since among the dozens of nutritious ingredients are 鈥淪uper Soy Sprouts 鈥� Non Legume鈥�, which must present a challenge to taxonomists everywhere.
Connoisseurs of the odd will also want to check the essay on purple skies and the proprietor鈥檚 snaps from South Africa. We simply can鈥檛 do them justice in this boring old monochrome type.
IT SEEMS that life for consultants is getting pretty tough 鈥� they are now an endangered species. So it would appear, at any rate, from the collection of reports put out by English Nature at . The list of reports spotted by Nic Plum begins: 鈥淧rotected species advice note: Badgers; Protected species advice note: Bats & newts; Protected species advice note: Consultants鈥︹��
FINALLY, one from the department of superfluous warnings: Jack Gilding saw this on the men鈥檚 toilet door at Adelaide Airport: 鈥淎delaide Airport Limited uses recycled water for toilet flushing 鈥� DO NOT DRINK鈥�.