AFTER all the quantum wonders we鈥檝e been offered, we feel a twinge of nostalgia on encountering dear old magnetic miracle cures. Oak-panelled Victorian seance chambers come to mind鈥� but never fear, whoever is responsible for Magneurol, at , has found a 21st-century 鈥渟cientific鈥� twist. 鈥淯se This Discovery,鈥� they exhort us, 鈥渢o Surpass Current Human Capabilities by 3000 Years!鈥�
For only $49.00 plus shipping and handling we can get a 30-day supply of鈥� er鈥� let鈥檚 look at how_it_works.html on their site: 鈥淢agnetic Super Food?鈥� they call it, prudently using a question mark. 鈥淚t has long been suspected that homing pigeons鈥� magnetoreception may explain how the birds find their way home,鈥� they say. And they report an experiment in which students could navigate better blindfold than not, and less well when they had magnets strapped to their heads. (We have found such a study, by R. R. Baker, published in Science in 1980 鈥� and a 1986 review article by G. W. M. Westby and K. J. Partridge, in the Journal of Experimental Biology, reporting that eight further studies failed to replicate the finding.)
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Nevertheless, apparently, if you imbibe Magneurol then your sense of direction will improve. Since this isn鈥檛 one of the five canonical senses, this counts as extrasensory perception. Owen Smith, who alerted us to this wonderful offer, concludes that 鈥淕lobal Positioning System manufacturers will soon be going out of business.鈥� We鈥檙e not so sure. GPS receivers are cheaper.
鈥淲e won鈥檛 ask why Ken McLeod was searching for information on plutonium. And maybe it鈥檚 best to keep quiet about the inevitable offer 鈥� 鈥淕reat deals on plutonium 鈥� Shop on eBay and Save!鈥濃��
BBC RADIO 4 is running some research under the title 鈥淭he Memory Experience鈥�. Michael Rollin wanted to contribute, and reached the web page at 鈥� where he read that 鈥淭he BBC reserves the right to edit your memories鈥�.
Rollin suspects a clever ploy to make us forget to watch programmes on rival channels and tolerate endlessly repeating storylines in soap operas.
WANTING news of special offers, Sven Korsgaard tried to register for a newsletter from Ryanair. They sent him an email asking him to reply confirming that he really did want the kind of message some of us go to considerable lengths to avoid. So he did 鈥� only for his response to come straight back with a complaint that he鈥檇 sent the airline 鈥渟pam鈥�.
The reason turned out to be that his spam filter program had added a footnote to his message, boasting that it had spared him 1937 spam messages. Whether out of professional envy or some more deep-rooted binary upset, Ryanair鈥檚 spam filter program identified the footnote from Korsgaard鈥檚 spam filter as spam. The possibilities for an infinitely regressive war of the spam killers are alarming.
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THERESE SMITH was redecorating her room and needed to cover up some marks on the walls. So she bought a Stain Block Aerosol, not least because on the front of the tin it proclaims 鈥淚deal for grease marks鈥�. Back home she read the instructions on the back: 鈥淓nsure all surfaces are clean, dry and free from grease.鈥� What should she use for that?
AN INTERNET telephony company sent Farshid Azar a bill this September 鈥� with links to call breakdowns for August, September and October. Naturally he clicked on October to find out what calls he was going to make 鈥� to be informed, reasonably enough, 鈥淪orry, we do not yet support calling from the future鈥�.
IF YOU are in Tooting, south-west London, and you find that trudging along Effort Street exhausts you 鈥� don鈥檛 worry, Peter Skewes has some reassuring advice. Just nip into the alley leading to Recovery Street, he says, and you can continue your journey walking downhill.
READER Paul Galpin complained to his insurance company after it sent him a statement in a corrupted pdf file. The company replied: 鈥淲e wish to advise that our IT Department is looking into the problem and the statements will be resent as soon as the problem is rectified. Please accept our apologies for any incontinence caused.鈥�
鈥淥bviously they thought I was pissed off at them,鈥� Galpin comments.
FINALLY, he claims he says it with hesitation, but he still says it. Jeffrey Borinsky has given in to the impulse to tell us that he and his partner have just registered with a new dentist whose name is Doctor Fang.
David Telford, meanwhile, is equally unable to refrain from telling us that the winner of the conventional section of the Australian National Ploughing Championships held in Tasmania in June was Adrian Tilling of Poowong in southern Victoria. Following his success, Tilling will now represent Australia in the World Ploughing Championships to be held in Lithuania next year.