鈥淵OU cannot be serious,鈥� tennis ace John McEnroe famously shouted when the umpire ruled one of his shots as 鈥渙ut鈥�. Reader John Mulligan suspects that the patent officer felt the same way about Timothy Wace Roberts鈥檚 patent application for a 鈥淏usiness method protecting jokes鈥�.
The abstract of his US patent office application 200602593306 opens: 鈥淭he specification describes a method of protecting jokes by filing patent applications therefor, and gives examples of novel jokes to be thus protected. Specific jokes to be protected by the process of the invention include stories about animals playing ball games, in which alliteration is used in the punchline; a scheme for raising money for charity by providing dogs for carriage by Underground passengers; and the joke that consists in filing a patent application to protect jokes.鈥�
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We don鈥檛 know what the first jokes referred to are, but suspect the second relates to notices beside London Underground escalators saying 鈥淒ogs must be carried鈥�. As for the third 鈥� does this mean Wace Roberts鈥� patent application is evidence of 鈥減rior art鈥�, making itself invalid 鈥� or is it valid and in breach of itself? Wace Roberts attempts to resolve the problem with a further claim: 鈥淎 novel type of patent application, one that claims itself, and hence is termed 鈥榟omoproprietary鈥�, is disclosed.鈥�
鈥溾�漌arning, danger of suffocation鈥� advises a notice on the safe in a room at a Swindon hotel in southern England. Colin Deady says the safe was barely large enough to contain his mobile phone, let alone his head鈥�
WE ARE not sure how many words a picture is worth these days, but we have just come across one on the front page of last November鈥檚 MIT Media Lab newspaper Frames that certainly adds value. It is attached to an article about doctoral student Noah Vawter鈥檚 experiment in transforming noise into music. His device picks up ambient sounds, adds rhythm and harmony, and 鈥渃hanges the annoying sounds around us into music鈥�. The photo shows him standing in the middle of a street near MIT, eyes staring into the distance as he soaks in the music through his headphones, oblivious to the bus bearing down on him from behind.
STILL on the topic of transforming things into music: what is the sound of a protein folding? Cat Wilson alerts us to , where you can listen to the answer.
How is it done? Mary Anne Clark鈥檚 technique involves assigning synthesiser notes to each of the 20 amino acids that make up proteins. Another 鈥渋nstrument鈥� plays (we think) the DNA bases that code for these.
Listening to the serotonin transporter protein 5-HTT warbling away sounds like early-20th-century composer Claude Debussy writing ambient music for a late-20th-century chill-out room 鈥� though technically, one might add, it seems to have more in common with the serial music of Arnold Schoenberg and others.
That鈥檚 our analysis. Wilson鈥檚 analysis is more pithy: 鈥淪o that鈥檚 what the strange voices in my head are.鈥�
Chlorine dioxide minus chlorine
IN PURSUIT of healthy, 鈥渃hemical-free鈥� outdoor pursuits, Sasha Lauer ended up perusing the FAQs at Gossamer Gear鈥檚 website. She was reassured to read, in the section covering water sterilising tablets: 鈥淚s there chlorine in chlorine dioxide? No, there is no chlorine in chlorine dioxide. Although chlorine dioxide has the word chlorine in its name, the two chemicals have completely different chemical structures.鈥�
Perhaps Gossamer Gear鈥檚 copywriters would now like to answer another question that is likely to be asked rather frequently: who taught you chemistry?
SEVERAL readers have told us about their Sony Ericsson K800i camera phones. They say that the imaging section of the user guide announces: 鈥淭ake nine pictures each time the camera button is pressed (ranging from just before to just after you press the button).鈥�
How on earth does the camera achieve such prophetic abilities? Michael Gantry has a theory: 鈥淧erhaps it means that it buffers everything you point it at, and just stores a sequence from either side of the moment of your button press.鈥�
Even so, Gantry is now looking forward to a phone that tells you someone is going to call you a couple of minutes before they dial your number, so you can find a quiet spot to take the call. Feedback, meanwhile, hopes to borrow Gantry鈥檚 camera and take it to the races.
WRITTEN on the label of a bottle of Batemans Autumn Fall Multigrain Beer: 鈥淎s it contains no fish based finings [substance used for clarifying liquid] it is vegan friendly. Ideal as an accompaniment to traditional pies and spicy Lincolnshire sausages.鈥�
John Berry asks: 鈥淲hich part of the word vegan do they not understand?鈥�
FINALLY, can anyone help Olaf Lipinski? The other day he bought a shirt with black and white stripes. He was delighted with it until he read the label which says: 鈥淲ash dark colours separately鈥�. Now he just doesn鈥檛 know what to do.