THE IT department at the firm where Robert Wisniowski works likes to put up notices in capital letters. Maybe they think this attracts attention, or maybe they can鈥檛 resist the urge to shout. Anyway, a label next to a temperamental printer said: 鈥淚F PAPER GETS JAMMED, DO NOT RIP IT OUT 鈥� CONTACT IT FOR ASSISTANCE.鈥�
Says Wisniowski: 鈥淲e must have extra helpful paper in our office. While in the throes of agony, jammed in the innards of the printer, it will still try to help you get it out of its predicament. My only question is: how do I know what it鈥檚 saying?鈥�
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THE in-car litter bag that Dianne Jackson bought recently had an illustration of the bag in action on the packaging, with the helpful qualification: 鈥淐ontents not included鈥�. By the time she鈥檇 unwrapped it and disposed of the packaging in it, however, it was half full. So some contents were included.
WE HAVE previously celebrated the creative freedom enjoyed by those who devise disclaimers on web pages, assured of a readership of zero 鈥� until, that is, they are mentioned in Feedback (16 December 2006). 鈥淗ow appropriate,鈥� Alexander Croll observes, 鈥渢hat the same edition dealt with plagiarism鈥� (p 48). He pasted the phrase 鈥渟earch the very threads of time for the throbbing of your heartbeat鈥� 鈥� the stark consequences of violating the copyright of www.derbyshireguide.co.uk that we reported 鈥� together with 鈥渓eather鈥� and 鈥渄emon鈥� into a Famous Web Search Engine.
Strangely, substantially the same warning of retaliation by 鈥渁 leather-winged demon of the night鈥� also appears on other pages such as from Ontario, and on from Washington state.
鈥淧erhaps,鈥� Croll muses, 鈥渢he leather-winged demon is even now filing a flight plan.鈥�
AND here鈥檚 another quirky legal disclaimer that directly supports our view regarding the degree to which anyone pays any attention to this literary form. The bottom of a press release from i-to-i travel company reads: 鈥淲e鈥檝e been arguing for weeks: does anyone ever read these legal footers? Our lawyers reckon that they do鈥� Everyone else in the business is convinced that we could quote a passage from The Cat in the Hat and no one would give a monkey鈥檚! So if you鈥檙e honestly interested in this kind of thing or are desperately in need of a little sleep鈥� read on. Any use of bad grammar, shoddy spelling or tired clich茅s should not be seen as an indication of our abilities as a company. This email is confidential鈥� If you have received it in error, please notify us immediately at postmaster@i-to-i.com, delete it from your system and note that you may not copy, distribute or use its contents.
鈥溾�滶motions Play Major Role in Teen Condom Use鈥� 鈥� thank you HealthDay News for that startling update, forwarded by T. H. Umbreit鈥�
SPOTTED in a Welsh forest by John Gilbey, a notice affixed to a tree: 鈥淗eavy plant operating鈥�. Just how heavy does a plant have to be to deserve its own warning label, Gilbey wondered. An elderly acquaintance of Feedback invariably used to respond to 鈥淗eavy Plant鈥� warnings with the gnomic comment, 鈥淎h, triffids.鈥�
TALKING recently with an insurance expert, Feedback asked whether it really would help passengers in an air crash to adopt the 鈥渂race鈥� position 鈥� with head bowed down towards knees. It does help, said the expert, but only to identify bodies after a crash. In the bracing position there is more hope of intact teeth to check against dental records.
While on the subject, we asked about life jackets. Are they really worth putting on when an aircraft ditches in freezing water? Oh yes, the expert assured us, they make it much easier to find, count and identify the bodies.
All this has a horrible ring of truth about it. So could someone please tell us it isn鈥檛 true?
FEEDBACK was thrilled when a pair of enterprising birds in our neck of the woods found a broken air vent and built a nest inside. So thrilled we went out and bought a spy camera with miniature infrared lamps that let the wide-angle lens see in the dark.
Obviously anxious to stay on the right side of the law when selling electronics with potentially dubious uses, the makers package the camera with dire warnings such as 鈥渋f the product is used in illegal purposes, the offender will be subject to severe punishments鈥�.
What a pity, then, that the installation instructions contain a particularly unfortunate typo: 鈥淚nstall to the desired position鈥� in pubic places.鈥�
FINALLY, many thanks to the more than 1000 readers who sent suggestions for Feedback鈥檚 new name. We鈥檙e sifting through them.