THE search for alternatives to fossil fuels continues apace. So delegates at Canada鈥檚 Gas & Oil Exposition 2007 in Calgary, Alberta, were thrilled at the prospect of a presentation from S. K. Wolff, speaking for the US National Petroleum Council 鈥� which advises the Department of Energy on behalf of the oil industry 鈥� and Florian Osenberg for ExxonMobil.
The delegates were, perhaps, a little disconcerted to hear Wolff declare that current US and Canadian energy policies 鈥� including the exploitation of Alberta鈥檚 billions of tonnes of oil sands 鈥� are 鈥渋ncreasing the chances of huge global calamities鈥�. However, many showed keen interest in his proposal that in 鈥渢he worst-case scenario, the oil industry could keep fuel flowing鈥�. It could do this, he said, by transforming the millions of people who die each year into oil.
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鈥淲e鈥檙e not talking about killing anyone,鈥� he added. 鈥淲e鈥檙e talking about using them after nature has done the hard work. After all, 150,000 people already die from climate-change-related effects every year.鈥� Thus the two unveiled their 鈥淰ivoleum鈥� technology, promising to turn these multitudes of sad events to good use.
They demonstrated the product by handing out candles, which they said were made from the remains of 鈥渁n Exxon janitor鈥� who had willed his body to the common good. At this point, as delegates held candles smelling of burnt hair and watched the opening frames of the janitor鈥檚 last video testament, they started to harbour some uncomfortable suspicions.
The truth soon emerged. Wolff and Osenberg are 鈥溾��, members of the group that in 1997 registered the website spoofing the General Agreement on Tariffs and Trade, predecessor of the World Trade Organization. They told the press later that their real names are Andy Bichlbaum and Mike Bonanno and you can see photos and more at 鈥� the site having been closed for alleged trademark violation.
Follow both instructions at once鈥�
MORE from the department of illogical instructions. As we suggested on 16 June, the instruction given to passengers at stations to 鈥淟et other people off the train first鈥� means that nobody can get off until someone breaks ranks and disobeys it. People wanting to board the train fare little better. John Allwright and Liz Joyce have both puzzled over the often-heard announcement 鈥渇or their safety passengers are requested to remain behind the yellow line at all times鈥�. The line in question runs the length of the platform about half a metre from the edge, so nobody can get onto the train unless they ignore the request.
Meanwhile, Mike Collins writes to tell us of his difficulty in obeying the pedestrian safety instruction 鈥淟ook both ways鈥�. He also tells us, following an excursion in the north of England, that at in Yorkshire there are two car parks some 400 metres apart at the end of a long approach lane to the visitor centre. Signs disconcertingly ask drivers who arrive at the abbey to 鈥淯se both car parks鈥�.
Similar quantum logic applies in the case of Tony Lang鈥檚 laser pointer, which takes a single battery. The warning that comes with it states, 鈥淒o not mix old and new batteries鈥�, suggesting that the single battery is capable of being both old and new at the same time.
Lastly on this theme, Tom Trocco has seen a sign in the lavatory in the that states: 鈥淩estroom closes 15 minutes before closing鈥�. Trocco says that he has seen people go in but never come out. He assumes they get stuck in a receding recursive loop that takes them in 15-minute increments back to the big bang.
CONSCIOUS as we are that our grasp of the Icelandic tongue amounts to very little, we feel it unfair to mock errors in translation from to English for their own sake. The same applies to any other language, unless the errors are in something like a product instruction or user manual where intelligibility is vital, in which case bad translation amounts to negligence by the manufacturer.
鈥淐lare Tolson鈥檚 daughter鈥檚 new skipping rope bears the caution 鈥淜eep out of the reach of children鈥�. Happily she is over 18鈥�
Nevertheless, we join with Margaret Magee in her puzzlement that on a recent trip to Iceland she noticed that the common translation of 鈥渢oasted bagel鈥� was 鈥渞oasted beagle鈥�. This, apparently, was universal throughout the country and Magee could not help wondering how it had come about. Was there perhaps one rather bad translator who swept through the country getting it wrong at every restaurant they visited? Or did one restaurant start the whole thing, which everyone else then copied? Can anyone in Iceland shed some light on this?
Magee, who is from Ontario in Canada, is thinking of going back to Iceland 鈥� and resisting the urge to take a picture of a roasting beagle to show Icelanders just what they are offering.
FINALLY, do the staff at the UK鈥檚 harbour an unconscious belief that voting is futile? Veronica Beccabunga lives next door to one that during a recent election had a sign saying 鈥淧olling Station鈥� taped to a rubbish bin outside.