BUYING a , reader Humphrey Evans hoped it would make him鈥� well, happy. The idea is that on dark mornings you sit close to what is essentially a small array of daylight-spectrum fluorescent tubes for up to 2 hours.
He has, however, instead become somewhat distressed by the exacting demands the instructions make when he鈥檚 matching exposure times to his distance from the unit. For a half-hour blast, the instructions say to position yourself 228.6 millimetres from the unit 鈥� moving to 685.8 mm if you are planning a 2-hour session.
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What happens if you move 0.1 mm is not specified鈥� and Evans is failing to see the bright side.
JANE ASHER writes to tell us that, like Niraj Shah, who found himself unable to follow the instruction to use both sides of the escalator at in London (9 August), she too needs a quantum solution. In Asher鈥檚 case, the dilemma is how to simultaneously exist and not exist.
鈥淗ow else,鈥� she asks, 鈥渃an I fulfil the command of the notice next to the snack machine at Trinity College of Music where I am currently rehearsing? It says: 鈥楶lease keep this area clear of food and people at all times鈥�.鈥�
WHAT do you call a self-cancelling message? Wading through our ever-exploding email inbox recently, Feedback encountered a message with the subject line 鈥�25 Top Time Wasters to Avoid鈥�. No problem. You, dear message, have just identified yourself as number 1 on your own list. We hit the 鈥渄elete鈥� key: time wasted, say 400 milliseconds.
Then we relented and followed the link. What was being promoted was an hour-long audio CD for human-resources operatives for a mere $199. (Anyone caught sniggering, or thinking the word 鈥渆fficiency鈥� sardonically, will report to HR, on Monday, at 7 am.) And what were the top two tips on offer? 鈥淗ow to identify and eliminate the 25 worst time-wasters; A simple way to say 鈥楴o鈥� without causing resentment.鈥� Yep, done that. Back in the bin.
Meanwhile, what should this phenomenon be called? Searching for a suitably techie word for such messages, we came across the wonderful phrase 鈥渘onsense-mediated decay鈥� 鈥� a cellular surveillance mechanism for messenger RNA which prevents unwanted bits of genetic code getting replicated. But such messages are not obliged to be nonsense, they just have to prevent themselves being read. They are鈥� 鈥渁utoantilectic鈥�. Have you seen any autoantilectism recently?
MOST surprising paper title of the week has to be 鈥淐utting off the nose to save the penis鈥�. This article, by Steven Schrader, Michael Breitenstein and Brian Lowe appears in the August issue of . What could it possibly be about? The online journal on the article makes things a little clearer: 鈥淣o-nose bicycle saddles improve penile sensation and erectile function in bicycling police officers.鈥�
It transpires that the traditional bicycle saddle, with its protruding nose, can cause deleterious health effects such as erectile dysfunction and groin numbness. A study of 90 bicycling police officers before and after using noseless bicycle saddles for six months found 鈥渟ignificant improvements in penile tactile sensation鈥� and 鈥渟ignificant increases in erectile function鈥�. Irwin Goldstein, editor-in-chief of the journal, found the article so rousing that he wrote an accompanying editorial entitled 鈥淭he A, B, C鈥檚 of The Journal of Sexual Medicine: Awareness, Bicycle Seats, and Choices鈥�.
鈥淭he warning label attached to a bottle of Ambien prescription sleeping pills warns, Caroline Goodall reports: 鈥淢ay cause drowsiness鈥�. Here鈥檚 hoping鈥�
OUR award for the worst headline of the week goes to the UK Medical Research Council, which recently sent out an email headed 鈥淣ational Research Prevention Initiative鈥�.
鈥淚 find it hard enough to do my research as it is without initiatives to prevent it,鈥� comments the reader who alerted us to this, and who wishes to remain anonymous.
What the headline actually refers to is a call for research into 鈥渂ehaviours associated with significant risks to health鈥� and how these can be changed to prevent diseases such as cancer and heart disease.
FINALLY, while attempting to buy a computer online from , Jaime Tamagnini got as far as entering his delivery address when he was confronted with this: 鈥淒ell Computer Corporation is a US Corporation and is therefore subject to all US Export Laws and Regulations. In view of this, please answer the following four questions for US export compliance purposes.鈥� Three relatively unremarkable questions followed, before this humdinger: 鈥淨4: Will the product(s) be used in connection with weapons of mass destruction, i.e. nuclear applications, missile technology, or chemical or biological weapons purposes? Yes/No鈥�.
Surely only an experienced terrorist or other warmonger would have the guile to sidestep this cunning trap. When we visited the site to check, Feedback was tempted to tick 鈥淵es鈥� in order to find out what happened, but didn鈥檛 dare, having just provided a real address.