STUCK for a seasonal gift for the geek in your life? You could just visit for a product that reader Iain Brassington describes as 鈥渦m鈥� odd鈥�. Feedback concurs: 鈥淭here鈥檚 a school of thought,鈥� the sales pitch runs, 鈥渢hat says that plants, like higher animals, have thoughts and feelings. They have an inner voice, and can tell you their life-stories, if only you could speak 鈥榩lant鈥�.鈥�
Yesss. Do we need to engage an heir to the British throne to teach us? Probably not. It鈥檚 not a difficult language to learn, apparently: 鈥淭here are only a few words to contend with, since all they seem to care about is how much water they鈥檙e getting鈥� there are no verb tenses, because plants have no concept of linear time.鈥� Fair enough.
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The original breakthrough was made, the site claims, 鈥渨hen the chief scientist at CERN, attempting to converse with a patch of catnip translated through their Milliard Gargantubrain computer, was able to discern 鈥業 CAN HAZ TWITTER?'鈥�
On a hunch, Feedback asked a young person for a translation, was informed that this phrasing and spelling is 鈥渁n Interwebz meme鈥�, and took it on faith that this new-fangled thing is鈥� new-fangled. As for the product that Botanicalls promotes to assist human-plant communication 鈥� it is amusingly retro, including as it does a circuit board and discrete transistors in little tins: some assembly required. Er鈥�
鈥淚 can haz solder burns?鈥�
THE small chainsaw that Ginny Craig bought her husband for his birthday came with safety instructions that left her wondering how he鈥檇 take the gift: 鈥淎lways stand on one side while cutting, allowing plenty of space for a severed limb to fall without causing injury.鈥�
Craig feels that it would have seemed less callous to say 鈥渇urther injury鈥�.
READERS have been arguing about their favourite 鈥渟cience fiction鈥� authors and, as ever, what science fiction is (15 November, p 46). Feedback is, as ever, sticking with the hard stuff. Stuff, that is, by Stanis艂aw Lem. How could a sciency editor fail to fall for his A Perfect Vacuum, a collection of journal review papers of fields of study yet to be named in our universe?
And now there鈥檚 more of this hard stuff than there was, despite Lem sadly dying in 2006. He wrote an opera in the late 1940s, as a medical student in Krakow, Poland, at the height of Stalinism. As the newspaper Wyborcza Gazeta : 鈥淧eople were being imprisoned or even executed for far lesser trespasses.鈥� And it was a satire on Stalin. So Lem put it in a safe place.
Readers who put things in safe places will know what鈥檚 coming next. Only this year, after a heroic 60 years of sporadic searches, has Lem鈥檚 secretary, Wojciech Zemek, found the safe place. The typescript was in a ribbon-tied grey cardboard folder labelled 鈥渂otched crime story鈥�, interleaved with the botch.
So now readers (of Polish, anyway) will be able to learn of the exploits of Soviet secret policeman Utterly Inadvisabiladze, brilliant academician Michurenko (student of the biologist Lysurin), and superhumanly intelligent and inhumanly smiling Joseph Stalin.
AUSTRALIAN clothing brand Gondwana delighted Trevor Lawson by revealing it has launched a range containing soy. And that, it says, 鈥渃ontains amino acid, which has been known to help activate collagen in the skin鈥�. Lawson wonders whether the same effect can be achieved by spilling sauces on his T-shirts. Feedback recommends satay sauce, which is particularly rich in amino acid.
鈥淭he instructions on the lamb joints that several readers purchased from Sainsbury鈥檚 supermarket advised them to cook the joints at 1900 掳C. 鈥淣ow that鈥檚 what I call well-done,鈥� says Kevin Thomas鈥�
FLORIDA CRYSTALS natural cane sugar, meanwhile, is now 鈥渃ertified as carbon-free鈥�. Storm Cunningham鈥檚 comment 鈥� 鈥淭hat鈥檚 a pretty unnatural sugar molecule鈥� 鈥� had us pondering about extraterrestrial silicon-based sugar cane skulking in the swamps.
We鈥檙e disappointed to find, , that the makers are merely failing to say that they bought carbon credits.
AND the 150-gram pack of smoked trout fillet that Ian Wakeling bought from the Co-operative supermarket had just two ingredients: 鈥淔armed Trout (96 per cent)鈥� and 鈥淪alt鈥� 鈥� but the nutrition section said it contained 鈥淪alt: 1.3 grams per 100 grams.鈥� 鈥淚t just doesn鈥檛 add up,鈥� Wakeling complains. (It can haz water, perhaps?)
CONCLUDING what鈥檚 turned into an odd edibles theme: Matt Gilfillan has a pack of 鈥淒on Carlos Finest Spanish Organic Fine Sea Salt鈥� 鈥� slogan 鈥渁 taste of the ocean鈥�. Now that sodium chloride is organic, perhaps those researching the possibility of alien life should widen their hunt beyond those Florida swamps. And a says it is 鈥渟ourced from seas that are without risk of pollution鈥�. Where are these Utopian waters?
Feedback is reminded of the certified organic sea salt proudly in the UK from the waters of the North Sea. For readers unfamiliar with this sea, let us say that it certainly looks organic.