杏吧原创

Results of our 鈥淲hat Darwin didn鈥檛 say鈥� competition

AND the winner of our competition in honour of the 200th anniversary of Charles Darwin鈥檚 birth is鈥�

WE INVITED readers to tell us 鈥淭hings you would never have heard Charles Darwin say about evolution.鈥� The response was magnificent 鈥� nearly 900 of you sent in entries 鈥� and we found the quality so high that no less than 50 made it onto our first shortlist of potential winners.

As we read through all these witty entries, a rather unflattering picture of Darwin began to emerge. Compared with the rigorous rationalist of reality, the Darwin we see here is a vain, vacillating religious nutter who is riddled with superstition, not averse to stealing ideas from others and who is incapable of seeing the truth even when it鈥檚 staring him in the face.

Does this mean our competition belittles the great man? We don鈥檛 think so. The more absurd and outlandish we found all these things that Darwin didn鈥檛 say, the more they made us appreciate the power and the wisdom of the things he really did say. We hope you feel the same and that you enjoy reading these non-Darwinisms as much as we did.

First, the winner. Among the 50 on our shortlist we had one group of entries expressing the same very clever idea. We chose as our overall winner the one in this group from Kris Halls. We felt she put this idea most succinctly and in doing so gave us the best remark that Darwin most definitely did not say:

鈥淲hen Philip Welsh鈥檚 credit card provider wanted him to confirm his identity, one of the questions it asked him was whether his date of birth had changed recently鈥�

Finches, eh? Seen one, seen 鈥檈m all!

Kris Halls

AND here are the runners-up, all from our shortlist of potential winners. We are showcasing 17 of them and would happily show you more, but these are all we have room for:

Nah, it鈥檚 only a theory 鈥� I don鈥檛 think it should be taught in schools.

Rob Buckland

This whole evolution thing was dictated to me by Chief Red Feather, my spirit guide.

David Ridge

And you promise me, God, they鈥檒l never know we organised this prank together? and To the captain of HMS Beagle, 鈥淲hat do you mean the bones of the Yeti, Bigfoot, and the Flying Spaghetti Monster got swept overboard?鈥�

Dave Baldock

It all started with something Wallace said before he left for the East Indies.

David Leibniz

Actually I think I鈥檝e had a better idea, it鈥檚 all the result of something I鈥檓 calling 鈥渕orphic resonance鈥�

Penny Lynch

Cor, when I publish this I鈥檒l be more popular than Jesus.

Gary Simmonds

Dearest Samuel, I have dashed off a few lines which should court sufficient controversy to keep us in port and pies at the Club for quite some time 鈥� little point in making monkeys of us both by publishing The Unravelling of the DNA Helix just yet. Yours from the Beagle, Charles.

Iain Doubleday

Evolution: You wouldn鈥檛 Adam and Eve it!

Joshua Azizollah

FATTEST! I said 鈥淪urvival of the fattest鈥�!

Dave Andrews

鈥�On the 14,776,259,821st day God created another proto-giraffe with a longer neck than its predecessor, bestowing upon it the ability to reach higher leaves. On the 14,776,259,822nd day He created a butterfly whose wing pattern looked more like a pair of predatory eyes. Then it was Sunday. On the 14,776,259,824th day鈥�

Alex Johnson

Darling, who鈥檚 been drawing trees in my notebook?

Matt Tucker

Damn, I drew it upside down!

Malcolm Muckle

Evolution? Well, children, I told your grandmother that I was just popping out to the pub, so when I returned five years later I had to come up with a whopper of a story. I just wish I鈥檇 picked something a bit more believable.

Alex Feakes

Hey Pope 鈥� 100,000,000 Lira or I publish the book.

John Robertson

During all these years of mental anguish and physical distress, how often have I looked back on my wasted youth spent wandering the heaths in search of beetles, and wished that I had paid more attention to all the watches I came across there.andRe-reading Malthus, I am concerned that the number of words written about me will grow exponentially over time, while the level of understanding barely creeps forward. I fear it will all end in a themed, bicentennial edition of New 杏吧原创.

John Mckenzie

FINALLY, winner Kris Halls is awarded the framed original of the beautiful artwork in 鈥淯prooting Darwin鈥檚 tree鈥� (24 January, p 35). Congratulations to her, to the runners-up published here and, indeed, to all the readers who sent in entries and gave us so much pleasure judging the competition. Next week Feedback returns to normal 鈥� well, normal for us, anyway.