SEARCHING for metaphors to illuminate the meaning of numbers can all too often lead writers into dark places. Mary Vango, for example, was a bit surprised by what the magazine of the UK consumer rights group Which? had to say in a report on food packaging: 鈥淭he average bacon packet was nearly 15 grams and we [in the UK] eat about 50 million packets of bacon a year. That鈥檚 7500 tonnes of packets, the equivalent of 50 blue whales.鈥�
We can鈥檛 help thinking: 鈥淢mm 鈥� blue whale rashers.鈥� We also can鈥檛 help thinking, like reader Jeff Gottfred (24 April): 鈥淲hat鈥檚 that in elephants?鈥�
Advertisement
Enter UK newspaper The Guardian, which announced in an article about : 鈥溞影稍磗 put the annual net loss of ice and water from the ice sheet at 300 to 400 gigatonnes鈥� 鈥� and then reached for 鈥溾�quivalent to a billion elephants being dropped in the ocean鈥�. The paper later removed the metaphor, but not before reader Martin Midgley sent us this comment: 鈥淎ccording to my maths, that means an average elephant weighs in at 300 to 400 tonnes. The story is quite terrifying enough without visions of these gargantuan beasts, each almost as heavy as a million squirrels, or 70鈥� er鈥� elephants.鈥�
Worrying as that sounds, it is apparently nothing compared with the number of elephants that already exist in the ocean. Several readers were quick to inform us last month that on the Australian ABC News website states: 鈥淎n army of bacteria weighing as much as 240 billion elephants is lurking in the depths of the oceans, researchers say.鈥�
And there鈥檚 more from Mary Vango, who spotted the BBC鈥檚 Focus magazine stating confidently: 鈥淭he total amount of water in a typical cloud weighs as much as 200 bull elephants鈥�. Would those be African elephants, the smaller Indian ones, or the gargantuan Guardian-reading elephants that keep falling on our heads?
It is all getting rather difficult to comprehend 鈥� but James McMillan takes us into the murkiest territory yet. He reports the Discovery Channel getting stuck in its attempt to quantify pressure and ending up telling us that special concrete for bank vaults is 鈥渢en times stronger than normal concrete: it can withstand pressure of up to 12,000 pounds per square inch鈥� That鈥檚 the equivalent of 100 elephants dancing on stilts鈥�.
At this point, we give up on the elephants. Our imagination just can鈥檛 cope any more.
鈥淐harles Plumb is rather concerned about a question raised by his mother鈥檚 Samsung GT S3650 cellphone, which asks 鈥淒o you want to erase history?鈥�
WHAT a shame. Our piling system has only just unearthed the flyer sent by Frank Wellwood about what must have been a fun day in Exeter, Devon, UK, on 28 March. This was a Quantumwave Laser Presentation and Training day, and was billed as: 鈥淭he first of its kind using the world鈥檚 newest cold laser technology combined with state of the art quantum scalar waves to address every aspect of stress, health and pain relief鈥�.
Entry to the event at Exeter鈥檚 Gipsy Hill Hotel was free, with lunch and refreshments included. Best of all, it was presided over by Jacqueline Kareh, who is a 鈥淨ualified Quantumwave Laser Trainer鈥�.
Where, we wonder, does one pick up such a qualification, other than in La La Land?
TRYING to reach an engineer in a large aerospace company, a colleague only managed to get through to voicemail. It told him, not so helpfully, that the person he called 鈥溾�s out of the office and will not be checking messages. When you hear the tone, please leave a message鈥�.
DILIGENTLY reading the terms and conditions on his new school bus pass, Ewan Edington from Cambridge, UK, was struck by Item 4: 鈥淎 鈥楴o Smoking Policy鈥� is enforced on all home-to-school transport and is non-transferable鈥�. So is smoking allowed on the return journey, Ewan wonders?
Ewan鈥檚 father Murray asks in addition whether Cambridge County Council has previously encountered pupils who believed the no-smoking policy was transferable. To what or to where could it be transferred?
MORE on schools: reader Adrian Rose鈥檚 daughter Katherine goes to one in Hampshire, UK, that seems to be a hotbed of nominative determinism. Dr Otter is the head of biology, the head of food technology is Mrs Curry, the head of maths is Mr Power and the head of science was until recently Mr Unit.
Take Granny to be microchipped
FINALLY: End worries over wandering elderly relatives now! 鈥淔ree microchipping for retired people鈥� is on offer in the English seaside town of Ilfracombe, according to the sign shown in Andrew Blackie鈥檚 photo.
The clip-art pictures of pooches below the slogan may offer a clue to what the Ilfracombe Rehoming Centre really intends to offer senior citizens: the microchipping is for their dogs, not them.