WE HAVE run several stories in recent months about signifiers that relate to obsolete concepts 鈥� either in the form of words, such as blueprints which were blue once but aren鈥檛 any more (25 June), or pictures, such as a sign showing a steam locomotive to warn of the proximity of a railway carrying modern trains (14 May), or gestures such as the 鈥渁ir signature鈥� used to order the bill in a restaurant (7 May). Now Daniel Smith directs us to a discussion on BBC news about obsolete sounds that are deliberately fabricated ().
Engineers, the article says, have taken to tweaking acoustics to make us feel good about products that are being sold to us, or for the sake of safety. Examples include the rigged 鈥渟atisfying clunk鈥� of a car door closing, the faked noise of a shutter on a digital camera, or the artificially created 鈥渆ngine sound鈥� of a silent electric car that warns pedestrians of its approach.
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Daniel notes that in this way, sounds that would otherwise be lost in the relentless progress of technology are preserved. 鈥淚magine,鈥� he says, 鈥渋f this concept of familiar sounds had been developed earlier. Would cars all make the sound of horses鈥� hooves instead of the newfangled and confusing drone of an internal combustion engine?鈥�
鈥淧rofiling port manager Don Mann, The Oregonian mentions his time on an ice-breaker ship that 鈥渃rossed the North Pole three times and the South Pole once鈥�. Ken Lassesen wants pictures鈥�
SOME kind of record is, we think, set by the notice that Ross Russell received from UK delivery company Parcelforce, inviting him to track the progress of a parcel in his general direction. It points him to a website that uses a string of 1024 characters to reference his parcel, each a digit or a letter from A to F. Assuming this is a number in the hexadecimal (base-16) system beloved of computer software, the system is set up to track 161024 separate parcels 鈥� around 101233 in mundane decimal numbers.
As Ross notes, this is considerably larger than the number of atoms in the universe 鈥� generally estimated to be around 1080. So each atom in the universe could receive 101153 parcels before Parcelforce ran out of identifiers. Even Feedback鈥檚 colleague who, doing an MA, has developed a severe second-hand book habit, manages fewer than two parcels a day鈥� it鈥檇 take her more than 101150 years to use up one atom鈥檚 allocation鈥� 101140 times the age of this universe.
Does Parcelforce, being set up for privatisation, know something about emerging markets in parallel universes that we don鈥檛? If so, they鈥檙e even weirder than we think.
Ross did something that only a Feedback reader would, and inspected the 1024-character string closely. It contained no instances of 2, 3, 5 or 6. Either this is a staggeringly improbable coincidence, or this is a very unusual number system.
We can say, though, only that we 鈥渢hink鈥� this is a record. Feedback鈥檚 fallible human memory tells us we have mentioned similarly huge numbers in the past. But can we find these mentions in the supposedly precise and omniscient electronic archive? Can we heck. Perhaps we should add tracking numbers to our stories.
Nonsensical quackery of the week
NONSENSICAL quackery of the week comes from Hydra Hi-Energy water, whose website employs a panoply of woo-woo fruitloopery to tell us: 鈥淓njoy the natural energy boost of a new level of cellular hydration. Hydra鈥檚 proprietary process restores the natural polarity and high frequency energies once found in the most healing waters on Earth鈥�
鈥淗ydra Energizer contains 50 bipolar trace minerals that are enhanced with quantum physics technology to deliver into your extracellular matrix the full range of frequencies found in your body鈥檚 energy field. This restores natural polarity to your body, which reduces stress, boosts energy production, helps protect against EMFs and improves detoxification and cell hydration.鈥�
As far as we can see, none of this means anything, but the writer qualifies for our outstanding fruitloopery of the week award.
Giving liquor vibrational frequencies
MORE twaddle of this ilk comes from a company that tellingly calls itself Vibrational Living. This offers the Water Band, a strap costing $9.95 that you place around the bottom of a glass or bottle of water 鈥渙r any beverage鈥�. This apparently 鈥淓nergizes liquids with beneficial vibrational frequencies鈥� and will 鈥渋mprove your health by truly hydrating your body to the cellular level.鈥�
Tastes just like ordinary water
FINALLY, there鈥檚 the Langenburg 鈥渙xygen water鈥� that Peter Thomson bought in a 鈥渧ery serious earth-persons鈥� caf茅鈥� while visiting friends in Eugene, Oregon. In addition to reminding him that the contents were 鈥減H balanced鈥� and 鈥渕ineral balanced鈥� (but without saying balanced to what), the label proclaimed that the water was 鈥渟tructurally restored鈥�, 鈥渕icroclustered for hydration鈥�, and contained 鈥渉igh levels of stable oxygen鈥�.
Oddly, Peter says, it tasted just like ordinary water. He is left wondering if an ice block is 鈥渕acroclustered鈥�.