NEEDING a heavy-duty bag to carry 鈥渧arious bits and pieces鈥�, Alastair Gentleman had a look at the website of a leading UK motoring accessories chain. He found one that looked suitable. While it was described as a 鈥淟arge Tool Bag鈥� no dimensions were given, so he called the nearest store to ask for clarification.
鈥淭here鈥檚 no size on the bag in the store,鈥� he was told.
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鈥淐ould you measure it for me?鈥� he asked.
鈥淚 don鈥檛 have access to the equipment,鈥� was the response, though Alastair knew the store sold tools.
He tried the next nearest store.
鈥淲hat size is the large tool bag?鈥�
鈥淚 don鈥檛 know. It鈥檚 just a bag.鈥�
鈥淵es, but what size is it?鈥澛犅犅犅犅犅犅犅�
鈥淵ou want me to measure it?鈥澛犅犅犅犅犅�
鈥淭hat would be helpful.鈥澛犅犅犅犅犅犅犅�
鈥淏ut measuring it wouldn鈥檛 tell you anything about the size. It鈥檚 just a bag.鈥�
鈥溾�ut if you got a ruler and put it beside the longest side of the bag, that would help.鈥�
鈥淣ot really. It doesn鈥檛 have any size. It鈥檚 just a bag.鈥�
Alastair gave up. Following on from Feedback鈥檚 discussion of 6D cinemas (7 April), he has decided that he has been dealing with a zero-dimensional bag 鈥� one that is just a point in space-time.
THE wrapping on the loaf from Roger Williams鈥檚 local IGA supermarket in Burradoo, New South Wales, Australia, told him that every 100 grams of it contained 380 grams of sodium
Quantum chronological asynchrony
WHILE she was using her iPod, Kathi Hori received the following error message: 鈥淨uantum chronological asynchrony error: The site you are trying to access is not a part of your current timeline. Please recalibrate and try again.鈥�
Kathi wants to know if anyone else has had this message 鈥� and is there something going on that Apple isn鈥檛 telling us? Feedback鈥檚 best guess is that someone at Apple has been reading Kurt Vonnegut鈥檚 The Sirens of Titan, in which a particular kind of disturbance in the space-time continuum is called a chronosynclastic infundibulum.
Discussing this possibility in the New 杏吧原创 office, as one does, prompted a colleague to attempt merging Vonnegut with Mary Poppins, producing what we can confidently assert is the longest word Feedback has ever published: Chronosynclasticsupercalifragilistic-expialidociousinfundibulum.
All we need now is a meaning for this splendid word 鈥� and perhaps before very long it will, like 鈥渘ominative determinism鈥�, attain the glory of appearing in Wikipedia.
Give your DNA a good talking to
A HEADLINE in an online magazine called caught Sal Hunter鈥檚 eye. It said: 鈥溞影稍磗 prove DNA can be reprogrammed by words and frequencies.鈥�
Sal is impressed 鈥� or pretends to be: 鈥淲hy bother investing in gene therapy or even research into ageing? We should have known all along that all we needed to do was give our misbehaving DNA a good talking to.鈥�
The impression of loopiness given by the headline and by Feedback鈥檚 quick scan of the article is borne out by the advertisements sitting beside it, such as the one that suggests: 鈥淟earn EXCLUSIVE secrets of quantum physics, mind secrets, psychic powers鈥︹��
Yes, folks, you鈥檝e guessed it, we are in fruitloopery land again.
READER Jeanette Hammann wonders if the Audi Q3 SUV with its internal capacity of 鈥�1365 cubic litres鈥� (11 February) really is nine-dimensional 鈥� and if so whether it could benefit from a different kind of driving surface? A possible candidate for this, she suggests, might be the Auto Club Speedway in Fontana, California. She reports that in his pre-race run-up to the 25 March NASCAR Sprint Cup Series, Fox Sports race analyst Larry McReynolds predicted , that 鈥渢he drivers will use every ounce of the width of this track鈥�.
Meanwhile, Alex Saragosa notes that the Audi Q3 SUV may not be the only multidimensional vehicle around. on a new ion engine developed by a European collaboration tells us that: 鈥淭he motor, designed to be mounted on satellites as small as 10x10x10 cm3, is extremely compact but highly efficient.鈥� Alex reckons that these satellites will be working in the 27th dimension. Does that mean the Audi is too?
Diamond-tipped wand works wonders
FINALLY, diamonds are forever, Duncan Hutchinson reminds us 鈥� 鈥渁nd so is the credulity surrounding them鈥�. He sends a gushing article by one Sarah Feeley from a UK west-country magazine called Exeter Living. Feeley visited Exeter鈥檚 Courtenay Stamp Cosmetics. 鈥淚 reclined and relaxed,鈥� she writes, 鈥渨hile Dr Charlotte gently stroked a diamond-tipped wand across my face.鈥�
Apparently this 鈥渢reatment鈥� constitutes a 鈥渕icrodermabrasion treatment which stimulaties [sic] collagen and improves the appearance of lines and wrinkles鈥� restoring natural luminosity鈥�. Feedback is not sure whether the statement 鈥渋t鈥檚 not a magic wand 鈥� but it鈥檚 close鈥� is more of a promotion or a disclaimer.