ANOTHER day, and another 鈥渟camference鈥� invitation arrives 鈥� this one to a 鈥淐limate Change Volunteer Conference 2012鈥�. It鈥檚 supposed to take place at the 鈥淩oyal Eco Hotel鈥�, 26 Brook Street, London, W1K 5DQ 鈥� which turns out to be the same shoe shop as the 鈥淟ondon Eco Hotel鈥� venue of the 鈥淐limate Change International Conference鈥� to which we were previously invited (9 June).
Meanwhile, marine researcher Phil Clapham writes to say that, 鈥渢ired of receiving endless invitations to money-making conferences in China with no relevance whatsoever to what I do, [I have] started submitting ridiculous paper titles, authored by my dog鈥�.
Advertisement
Thus the organisers of a meeting on 鈥渁rtificial intelligence and automated control鈥� received a proposal for a paper by Borzoi, Cleo V, entitled 鈥淎rtificial intelligence in ziphiid whales and its application to automated control during the d鈥橫edici papacy, with reference to nutritional benefits.鈥� It was accepted immediately.
Funny you should mention that, Phil. We, too, had sent off a proposal for a paper for the climate change volunteer conference, penned by 鈥淛o De Selby of Dalkey University, Argentina鈥�. Entitled 鈥淗ermeneutics of innovation in the panopticon鈥�, it will consider the hypothesis that new technology gives innovators 鈥渁ccess to a library of all possible plagiarism (Borges, 1941)鈥�, referring to the Argentinian surrealist鈥檚 short story The Library of Babel. Further, innovators鈥� 鈥渆ndeavours and the memetic relations between them (Dawkins, 1976) are open to inspection. A methodology for deriving metrics for their inspirational networks will be presented.鈥�
For good measure, De Selby also promises to 鈥渆xplore the effects of nominative determinism (Cavonius, 17 December 1994) on the propagation, funding and implementation of proposals鈥�.
Imagine our joy when the paper was accepted! We are attempting to reserve a room at the alleged hotel and should have more to report soon.
Carol Miles reports that her local supermarket sells packets of 鈥淰egetarian meatballs in sauce鈥� from the Bean Supreme company. What kind of animal would those be from?
A RECENT article in the Queensland Courier Mail in Australia attempted to quantify the combined force of three 鈥済iant鈥� Rugby League players due to play for New South Wales in a match against Queensland. NSW forwards James Tamou, Tony Williams and Tim Grant weigh a combined total of nearly 350 kilograms.
The Courier Mail consulted 鈥淎ustralia鈥檚 premier orthopedic surgeon鈥�, Merv Cross, who has been studying collisions between players in rugby league games.
鈥淚t鈥檚 the momentum of the force that hits you,鈥� he told the Mail. 鈥淭hat force is mass by acceleration. The longer their run-up, the harder the force. If all three hit you at once, it would be like colliding with a rhinoceros.鈥�
We don鈥檛 know if the three players involved were flattered or insulted by this analogy.
鈥淐OLOUR your hair as nature intended,鈥� says the ad for Herbatint hair dye that Emily Dubberley forwards to us. Herbatint, the ad claims, 鈥渉arnesses the power of plant and herb extracts to not only gently colour your hair but also protect and nourish it鈥�.
The promo goes on to suggest: 鈥淐heck out our 鈥楶ick A Colour, Any Colour鈥� for inspiration from Lana Del Rey鈥檚 strawberry blonde, Lauren Conrad鈥檚 pink tips or Katy Perry鈥檚 purple hue.鈥�
Emily is sceptical. 鈥淪urely,鈥� she says, 鈥渘ature intended my hair to be the colour it grows out of my scalp, rather than pink or purple.鈥�
HOW is this for an example of circular bureaucratese? Bill Corner鈥檚 son Sean came across this statement in a US Inland Revenue form he was completing. Line 9a of Part II of states: 鈥淔or treaty purposes, a person is a resident of a treaty country if the person is a resident of that country under the terms of the treaty.鈥�
Very illuminating.
READER John Gledhill sends us a photo of a sign in a toilet with a picture of a cigarette with a line through it. It says in red letters: 鈥淲ARNING. Toilet is fitted with automatic smoke detectors.鈥�
John is bemused. 鈥淚 wonder how you would install a non-automatic smoke detector,鈥� he says. 鈥淧erhaps a little chap with a sensitive nose and a big buzzer?鈥�
FINALLY, belated thanks to the several readers who commented on the advertisement placed in New 杏吧原创 by Gwent Police in Wales, UK (page 55, 23 June). The advertisement seeks a 鈥溞影稍� (Footwear/Glass) [to] examine and analyse evidence relating to glass, to examine and make comparisons with footwear from suspects and scenes and to prepare statements and attend court and give expert evidence in relation to these examinations.鈥�
Tony Harker presumes Gwent police are getting ready for the pantomime season. Steve Tunnicliff, on the other hand, notes with approval that the advertisement does not go so far as to suggest that preference may be given to applicants named Buttons.