杏吧原创

Feedback is our weekly column of bizarre stories, implausible advertising claims, confusing instructions and more

Well-trained electrons

鈥淎t the core of the Power Optimizer energy saving device is our patented semiconductor chip. This chip utilizes specific wavelengths of infrared light to stabilize the vibration state of 鈥榮pinning鈥� electrons.鈥�

This quote can be found, Colin Stone informs us, at poweroptimizer.com, which goes on to claim that the device works by 鈥渢raining the electrons to flow more efficiently鈥�. This, we are told, will reduce your energy consumption and hence your bills, and at the same time will 鈥渙ptimize the operating efficiency of your electrical systems and equipment鈥�.

Feedback is impressed. It鈥檚 about time someone got round to training those unruly electrons.

Stephen Stent sends us a photo of a sign by the road in Whangarei, New Zealand, offering 鈥淒RY T-TREE FIREWOOD $100 CM²鈥�. What can that possibly mean?

Pre-announcing bad news

DO THE writers of adverts never take a step back to consider how people 鈥� who may include Feedback readers 鈥� might parse their prose? In our latest example, Andy Johnson-Laird is deeply confused by an email from IDM Computer Solutions proudly 鈥淧re-Announcing UltraEdit v19.20鈥�.

鈥淭hat鈥檚 it!鈥� he concludes: 鈥淚t鈥檚 a quantum superposition of the announcement and the wave function that precedes it.鈥� He went so far as to look up the . There we find that they are an increasingly common workaround for the strictures of US financial regulation.

A firm that sits on news which could depress its results may be at risk of being sued by those who bought its stock while the company was saying nothing. So firms pre-announce bad news to the world before they Announce it (with a capital 鈥淎鈥�) to the Securities and Exchange Commission.

So, remember, advertisers: pre-announcements are therefore by definition bad news. Take care.

Invitation to lie

THE 鈥� used to compile the electoral register 鈥� appears to embody an official requirement to lie, observes reader Edward Blackbourne.

鈥淚n order to be included on the electoral register,鈥� the form he received in September told him, 鈥測ou must have lived in Northern Ireland for the three months before 15 October 2013 and indicate this by ticking the relevant box in the residence section of the form.鈥�

The form went on to warn that it 鈥渟hould be returned as soon as possible and no later than Registration Day 鈥� 27 September 2013鈥�.

But on 27 September 2013, no one could possibly have known if they had lived in Northern Ireland for the three months before 15 October 2013. To have declared so would amount to providing false information 鈥� and this, the form warned, 鈥渋s a criminal offence for which you could be sent to prison for up to six months or fined 拢5000 or both鈥�.

Even so, we suspect that everyone who fills in this form cheerfully ticks the relevant box 鈥� although Edward wisely does not tell us what he did.

Enigma of Type X machine

THE exhibition at the Science Museum in London to mark the centenary of Alan Turing鈥檚 birth is in its last weeks. Turing devised the computers used at Bletchley Park, UK, to crack the German Enigma code in the 1940s.

The exhibition reminded a colleague of his time training to repair military electronics while he was a conscript in the Royal Air Force.

The RAF course lasted nearly a year and covered mostly radio equipment. But every week there was a session in a windowless hut protected by armed guards.

Inside, after everyone had signed the Official Secrets Act, an instructor taught the students how to use a Type X encryption machine 鈥� which our colleague later discovered was closely based on Enigma.

The instructor showed them how to take Type X apart, clean the contact wheels and put it back together. This was very tricky, so everyone made careful notes, but at the end of each session the guards collected all the notebooks and stored them until the following week.

This made revision for the test at the end of the course impossible. But, not to worry, assured the guards 鈥� and with good reason. The questions on Type X in the final test were multiple-choice ones, along the lines of: 鈥淲hat powers Type X 鈥� gas, clockwork, pedal power or electricity?鈥� So everyone passed with flying colours.

Fortunately, our colleague was never posted to a war zone, and never had to repair a broken Type X machine on which everyone鈥檚 lives depended.

That will be anyone, then

FINALLY, the membership renewal form for Steve Tunnicliff鈥檚 local family history society bears an invitation to sign a statement under the heading: 鈥淗ave you signed the Data Protection Act?鈥�

The statement says: 鈥淚 agree that my name and address may be supplied to any person requesting it, either within or outside of the European Economic Area.鈥�

Steve comments: 鈥淭hat will be, like, anyone, then.鈥�