Half a mile, crocodile
As lockdowns lift and restrictions begin to ease around the world, it remains more important than ever that we all continue to keep 2 metres apart. Fortunately for any northern hemispherites not blessed with an intuitive grasp of lengths, Feedback鈥檚 Australian readers have been writing in with more examples of alternative units of measurement.
Will Kemp sends us photographic evidence of a sign promoting social distancing during post-seminar drinks at Charles Darwin University, which translates 1.5 metres into 鈥�108 Gouldian finches, 8 brush-tailed rabbit rats, 3 northern brushtail possums, 1 and a half barramundi, or one reasonably sized freshwater crocodile鈥�. The notice, he informs us, was designed by zoologist Cara Penton, and so we are prepared to take her calculations on trust.
Meanwhile, Betty Wood tells us: 鈥淲hen Litchfield National Park in the Northern Territory reopened a couple of weeks ago, people were urged to keep one kangaroo apart.鈥� Elsewhere in the Northern Territory, Andrew Shead says the distance translates to 10 footballs, six boomerangs or five sea turtles. All very sensible, of course, but Feedback鈥檚 going to need a bigger backpack.
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*sad face*
Shed a crying-face emoji or two for the fate of future WhatsApp conversations. As a result of the coronavirus pandemic, , a new generation of emojis scheduled to be released in 2021 is likely to be delayed. That means making do with the same familiar faces for the foreseeable future 鈥� a task those of us in lockdown are all too used to.
When the Unicode Consortium does eventually get together to decide on new emojis to approve, Feedback hopes it reflects humanity鈥檚 newly enlarged emotional vocabulary, expanding its range to include woman-who-cut-her-own-hair emoji, man-tired-of-cooking-the-same-dinners-12-weeks-in-a-row emoji, hand-sanitiser-chapped-fingers emoji and for-the-love-of-god-Kevin-put-yourself-on-mute emoji. Do send in your own suggestions to the usual address.
Bloofish detherisms
This week鈥檚 delightful bit of AI foolishness comes to you courtesy of . On his website 鈥淭his word does not exist鈥�, you get to challenge a machine to invent definitions for entirely bloofish detherisms 鈥� which is to say, spartful-sounding collections of haplets that don鈥檛 conglomn in the English whizooosh.
The AI behind the website also invents words of its own. Feedback鈥檚 personal favourite, after hours of ill-spent time, is 鈥淓pipanemal 鈥� relating to the wallop or release of an animal鈥�, though 鈥淜umaree 鈥� a pitcher-shaped indentation that deepens when the feet reach the ground鈥� is also joyously odd.
Taking you out
Strange news from this week, after, in its words: 鈥淎 practical guide to critically appraising literature on health and social care has made a surprise appearance as one of the most popular books in Britain鈥檚 libraries.鈥� A slight comic exaggeration, perhaps, as Doing a Literature Review in Health and Social Care: A practical guide by Helen Aveyard only made it into the top 20 in the West Midlands, but who are we to cast stones.
Among the few books that bested Doing a Literature Review in the charts were The Midnight Line by Lee Child and NYPD Red by James Patterson, both classic page-turners in the best airport bookshop tradition. All of which suggests that Doing a Literature Review is, in fact, an action-packed thriller鈥�
Dr Jack Healthcare gazed through manfully narrowed eyes at the president of the exploitative scientific publishing firm. 鈥淟ower your paywall,鈥� he growled.
The other man sneeringly raised his handgun at Healthcare鈥檚 face. 鈥淎nd why should I do that?鈥� Healthcare narrowed his manful eyelids even further, until they were just narrow, manly slits in the rocky promontory of his face.
鈥淏ecause I鈥檓 doing a literature review in health and social care,鈥� he grimaced, somehow. Then, with a swift movement of his left pinky toe, a gambit outlawed in seven countries and regarded as bad manners in 12 others, he sent his adversary flying through a window. As Healthcare watched him plummet to his doom, he widened his eyes again, grimaced again, and shrugged (for the first time). 鈥淭hough maybe they should鈥檝e picked someone else鈥︹��
Kim Possible
It is always disappointing to hear that your heroes have feet of clay. Unless, I suppose, your heroes are Pingu or Wallace and Gromit, or else Swiss artist Paul Klee, but even then that鈥檚 more of a spoken joke and doesn鈥檛 really work written down.
So Feedback empathises with the residents of North Korea, who have just been told that their leaders . The Kim dynasty was long credited with the practice, referred to by South Korea鈥檚 Yonhap News Agency as chukjibeop, in an attempt to boost their quasi-mythical status. Alas, a North Korean newspaper has apparently reported that: 鈥淚n realistic terms, a person cannot suddenly disappear and reappear by folding space.鈥�
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