杏吧原创

A COUPLE of weeks ago, I stumbled across a strange video on called 鈥淪ANS ICS HyperEncabulator鈥�. In it, a suave man in a suit explained this new 鈥渃ybersecurity鈥� machine, gesturing at an impressive refrigerator-sized device, hailing its ability to be 鈥渟inosinclastic without sacrificing both normative reality and AI-informed modalities鈥�. He then explained that a previous generation of this device, the retro-encabulator, was made with 鈥減refabulated amulite surmounted by a malleable logarithmic casing鈥�. Not so with the HyperEncabulator! Unlike its predecessors, he said, the HyperEncabulator 鈥渙perates totally under the principle of colonic effluvium expulsion鈥�.

I had to know more. After a few searchulations and intertronular queries, I discovered that there is a rich history of encabulation. This technobabble satire actually started back in 1944, when a student named John Hellins Quick described a 鈥渢urbo-encabulator鈥� for the student journal of the . Quick noted that the 鈥渢wo spurving bearings were in a direct line with the pentametric fan鈥�. That was important because 鈥渢he latter consisted simply of six hydrocoptic marzelvanes, so fitted to the ambifacient lunar waneshaft that side fumbling was effectively prevented鈥�.

His engineering in-joke went viral 鈥� or at least the 1940s version of viral 鈥� when a Time magazine columnist referenced the turbo-encabulator in a 1946 article about new inventions. Amused readers building on the joke, enquiring about the 鈥渄ingle arm鈥� and noting that 鈥渋f the bearings are lubricated with warm smortch they will not grunch鈥�.

Throughout the encabulator鈥檚 history, Quick鈥檚 words have been used and reused 鈥� even in the HyperEncabulator pitch I saw from 2022. In nearly every retelling, we hear about avoiding 鈥渟ide fumbling鈥� and learn about 鈥減refabulated amulite鈥�. Many of the film versions include Quick鈥檚 entire description, while adding their own embellishments.

The first known movie about this astonishing device came in the late 1970s. According to , he and his crew had just finished making some corporate films for GMC Trucks in Detroit, Michigan, and were messing around in the studio with voice-over actor Bud Haggert. Haggert had made hundreds of industrial instruction films and was sick of reading technobabble, so he asked if Rondot would film him reading a script about what he called the 鈥渢urbo-encabulator鈥�.

The result was hilarious. He describes a weird device with 鈥減refabulated amulite鈥� that had the astonishing ability to avoid all those pesky problems with 鈥渟ide fumbling鈥�. For nearly 2 minutes, he gestures at a drawing of what looks like some kind of fuel injector, extolling the benefits of its ability to 鈥渁utomatically synthesise cardinal grammeters鈥� in a rich monotone. Not to be outdone, Chrysler quickly created its own .

The people making these videos weren鈥檛 engineers satirising engineering papers, they were communications specialists making fun of their corporate educational materials. And the corporations were in on the joke, allowing their brands to appear in these videos. Encabulator movies were a humblebrag, a way of showing off the company鈥檚 technological prowess without seeming too elitist.

It was inevitable that the encabulator joke would move into the realm of computers. After all, the computer industry currently reigns supreme when it comes to highly technical but nonsensical claims about its products.

In 1997, electronics and software company Rockwell Automation created a 鈥渞etro encabulator鈥� video. Noah Rosenberg, who worked at Rockwell at the time, told me that it was 鈥渢he actor having fun, just blowing off steam鈥�. The film itself, he said, was an 鈥渆arly example of a meme鈥� These things would get bootlegged on physical media, people who had two VCRs would make you a copy鈥� Back then if 100 people saw something you made it was a hit.鈥� And the hit lives on. The SANS ICS video I saw was a direct sequel to Rockwell鈥檚 retro encabulator video, even using the same actor.

What has fuelled this peculiar meme for almost 80 years? There is the obvious answer: engineers have a pretty good sense of humour about absurd technical language. But something else is being satirised too: the way that marketing often uses scientific-sounding phrases to trick people into buying things they don鈥檛 need 鈥� especially if we are worried about side fumbling!

Most of the pitches I get for NFTs and crypto-coins sound like they are coated in prefabulated amulite. As long as we stay thirsty for scammy tech that promises us the world but gives us empty wallets instead, the encabulator will never get old.