It is all too human to feel a little jealous of others鈥� success, but what can we do when those feelings threaten to overcome us? One reader this month describes some serious resentment at a friend鈥檚 promotion: 鈥淚 just can鈥檛 help feeling bitter about what they鈥檝e achieved.鈥�
The obvious solution to envy would be to avoid comparing ourselves to the people around us, but that is easier said than done. Humans are social creatures who evolved in hierarchies, and our standing within a group would have had serious consequences for our welfare. As a result, we inevitably use others as a measure of our own success 鈥� a habit that can quickly kill any satisfaction we might have gleaned from our own achievements.
We can see this in people鈥檚 perceptions of their income. Research by at the University of Stirling, UK, and his colleagues has shown that of people鈥檚 earnings, compared with that of others within their social group, is a better predictor of life satisfaction than total take-home pay. can also influence perceptions of personal attributes like education or intelligence: it鈥檚 how we match up to others that shapes how good we feel about ourselves, rather than our standalone performance.
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Envy may be exacerbated by a 鈥渇ocusing illusion鈥�, which describes our tendency to become fixated on a single facet of someone鈥檚 life. We imagine that our successful friend is living in a constant state of joy, and forget that they have to face everyday difficulties like an argument with their spouse or the death of a pet.
In one study, at the University of Chicago and his colleagues asked participants to imagine a peer with a desirable life. Simply reminding them of the 鈥渟mall annoyances鈥� this person regularly confronted the participants鈥� envy. We can never know what emotional baggage someone may be carrying, and recognising this fact should make us think twice about wishing ourselves in another鈥檚 shoes, while also urging us to treat them with a bit more kindness.
When we are feeling bitter, we might also reframe another鈥檚 success as proof that our own ambitions are achievable. , try remembering all the things within your control to improve your lot, and make a step-by-step plan of how you might achieve that.
Why not involve the person themselves, and ask them about the challenges they faced and how they overcame them? about those difficulties will probably reduce your feelings of resentment and increase your motivation to take positive action.
We may never escape social comparison. When life gives us sour grapes, however, we can choose to make wine from those momentarily bitter fruits.
Further reading
If you are interested in learning other strategies for emotional regulation, I would thoroughly recommend psychologist Shift: How to manage your emotions so they don鈥檛 manage you (Vermilion)
David Robson is an award-winning science writer and听author of The Laws of Connection: 13 social strategies that will transform your life
For other projects visit newscientist.com/maker
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