I was at a friend鈥檚 birthday party recently when I聽found myself sitting next to a writer聽I聽didn鈥檛聽know. Oh聽good, I thought聽optimistically, we might be able to聽bond over the joys and pains of the job. Two hours later, I knew the ins聽and聽outs of the surrealist聽novel he was writing, but聽he found out聽very little聽about me, since聽he聽didn鈥檛聽ask a single question聽in return.聽
I聽am sure聽this will be familiar to many readers, so I was delighted to come across some new work on 鈥渋nterpersonal curiosity鈥� by聽, a professor of聽applied聽psychology at New York University. She suggests that, from聽a young age,聽Western聽patriarchal聽culture subtly discourages us from聽demonstrating聽an interest in others 鈥� an idea聽reinforced by masculine stereotypes. Fortunately, she has plenty of suggestions for ways to cultivate it in ourselves and our children.聽
Way聽tells me that she was inspired by聽her聽personal experience聽of聽moving to Shanghai聽for a few months聽with her young children in 2007. It was, she says,聽鈥渁 transformative experience鈥�.聽When she returned聽to the US, however, she聽tried聽to talk聽to聽her friends about聽the amazing time that聽she鈥檇聽had, with little success.聽鈥淣o one, literally nobody,聽asked me questions about it,鈥澛爏he says. 鈥淎nd I remember saying, what is going聽on with people鈥檚 curiosity?鈥澛犅�
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Nearly 20聽years later, she is finally answering that question.聽Previous聽research on curiosity, she聽says, had聽聽in the physical,聽material聽and natural world, while聽largely聽neglecting聽to measure聽people鈥檚聽inquisitiveness聽about聽others鈥櫬爈ives聽and its consequences.聽聽聽
As a developmental psychologist, Way has聽so far focused her efforts on children and adolescents.聽She and her colleagues聽asked聽389聽school students聽aged 11-13聽to describe聽the two questions that they would聽most like to聽ask their closest friend,聽teacher聽and primary caregivers. They received a wide variety of responses.聽Some聽of the聽participants聽reported having no questions at all, while聽others聽opted聽for simple information-seeking (such as 鈥淲hen is dinner?鈥� or 鈥淲hat is the point of this work?鈥�).聽Those who wished to probe聽others鈥櫬爌ersonal lives and relationships, however,聽had聽better friendships and greater overall wellbeing.聽
Such findings are聽perhaps unsurprising:聽supportive relationships聽are聽known to be central to our health and happiness, and asking聽others聽questions about their lives is surely one of the best ways to build those bonds.聽鈥淚t really is the secret sauce of all human connection,鈥� says Way.聽
The big question, then, is why we聽don鈥檛聽do it more often.聽Way suggests that we聽have聽been聽conditioned to think that it is rude to pry into others鈥櫬爈ives, and the rise of individualism means that we聽also聽simply care less about the people around us.聽In their study of聽adolescent聽students, however, Way and her colleagues聽found that聽boys聽were about twice as likely to report having 鈥渘o questions鈥� than girls 鈥� suggesting that聽gender roles may play a large part.聽
Earlier this year, Way published聽. To measure their adherence to masculine stereotypes,聽each聽adolescent聽was asked聽to聽rate their agreement with statements such as 鈥淚 do not let it show to my friends when my feelings are hurt鈥� and 鈥淚t is necessary for me to fight others in order to聽gain respect.鈥澛燗s聽hypothesised,聽the team聽found that these scores were inversely correlated with interpersonal curiosity, meaning that the more someone endorsed macho values, the less likely they were聽to say they enjoyed hearing others鈥櫬爏tories. And this, in turn, seemed to have聽a big聽influence聽on the quality of their friendships, measured by things like the amount of free time they spent with their closest friend and the amount of social support they received from them.聽
You may imagine that this聽affected聽only聽the boys聽鈥� and the connection was indeed much stronger for those who identified as male. Although some聽girls聽,聽and internalised the associated behaviour, this聽didn鈥檛聽seem to be so聽closely linked聽to interpersonal curiosity, which independently predicted their聽relationship quality.聽
Sexist assumptions about interpersonal curiosity may even explain why it has been understudied in science.聽鈥淲e think聽that聽interpersonal curiosity is feminine, and聽we don鈥檛 value what we鈥檝e deemed feminine,鈥� says聽Way, whose book聽聽explores these themes. 鈥淏ut this 鈥榮oft鈥� side is essential for our social species.鈥澛犅�
Can we ever overcome this cultural conditioning?聽Way聽argues聽that聽children are born to be interpersonally curious,聽and that innate interest聽can be reawakened聽with the right education. To do so, she designed the Listening with Curiosity Project, a 26-lesson curriculum for聽adolescent聽students聽in New York Public Schools. It includes advice on asking open-ended questions聽and techniques to encourage people to聽open聽up聽about their experiences with greater nuance and detail聽鈥� with plenty of opportunity for practice.聽The聽聽suggests聽it聽works:聽by the end聽of the curriculum, the students showed greater curiosity and increased聽friendship quality,聽with聽boys showing聽the biggest gains.聽
Way聽thinks聽that plenty of adults could also聽benefit聽from a bit of practice.聽You might start out with someone you know, by asking them about their favourite childhood memory, a topic that most people enjoy discussing. You can聽then聽use this聽opportunity to show your genuine interest in what they say through lots of follow-up聽questions.聽
You could even try it at a party, she suggests.聽Simply聽explain that聽you鈥檝e聽been reading about the聽benefits聽of asking deep聽questions,聽then pick a topic to begin聽with.聽
You may聽feel shy聽about getting started, but Way reassures me that聽. When she encourages her students to try the exercise, they聽almost all聽take pleasure in the experience.聽鈥淲e聽are starving to be asked real questions,鈥澛爏he聽says.聽鈥淛ust do it.鈥澛�
David Robson鈥檚 latest book is聽The Laws of Connection: 13 social strategies that will transform your life. If you have a question that you would like answered in his column, please send him a message at聽鈥�
